In order for my plan to work and before I could take action, I realized that I had to give up. I had to give up my belief that I had been there done that. I had to give up my doubts and my negative thoughts about myself. I had to give up my ability to rationalize unhealthy behavior. I had to give up my personal notion that I knew more than the experts. I had to be willing to get uncomfortable in this process and then accept a new normal in my approach to eating and fitness. I had to give up and come to the realization that what I knew was not enough to produce real change in my life. Sure, I have lost weight before, but I have never produced the long-term change it takes to stay healthy.
I often thought that I had enough experience going through so many programs and methods that I could coach anyone to lose weight. I also thought that I could do it, if I really wanted to do it. This was a total act of lying to myself. I desperately wanted to be fit, but felt powerless to make another attempt. I convinced myself that I was waiting for motivation, inspiration, or an ultimatum from my doctor that would scare me straight. In my eyes, these moments never came; but the road was paved with warning signs. I kept seeing the signs, but hoping for something more, something monumental that would bring it all together. I now realize that this was inspirational Russian roulette; hoping the inspiration arrives before the bullet. I now believe that "Rocky moments" are few and far between in life. Frankly, I am wondering if they are real at all. This process to gain a higher quality of life is hard and is often void of inspiration. Yet, it has to be hard because the reward is worth it.
This concept of giving up proved to be a major challenge for me in many ways. I felt as though I knew a lot about weight loss. When you ride the yo-yo (previous post) like I had for 20+ years, I began to believe that I was very knowledgeable and knew it all. But since I perceived that I knew so much, I became hopeless about my lack of weight loss. My thinking spiraled downward into negativity, self spin or escape. I found flaws- some valid- in every line of thought, program, or effort to lose weight. The big question remained; buried deep inside, it kept rising up no matter how hard I tried to bury it. If I knew so damn much and had all this knowledge, why couldn't I change?!?
I then attempted to actively fool myself into believing things weren't as bad as I thought or that the problems could disappear. I was only trying to hide my past failure. Let me use a football analogy to explain my thinking, I was down by 28 points heading into the half and I was waiting for a moment to bring it all together. Instead of embracing the opportunity to have a monumental comeback, I kept internally destroying every method I observed, heard, and thought of to take action. In reality, I was at 432.2 lbs and 37 years old; I was insane to believe that by sudden inspiration or my cynicism I would find a path victory. Finally, I gave up.
It was in the acknowledgment of my shortcomings and my reality, that I reached out for help. And help, as I am finding out, is a powerful thing! The help I am referring to is through many special people. Some help by their example, some by their focus, some through their expertise, and some through their undying support. Why didn't I ask for help sooner? I will attempt to explain.
I have always viewed asking for help as weakness. I preached a great game about not being too proud (or stupid) to ask for help, but I have always been focused on carrying my own weight (no pun intended). Whether I was at work, in sports, in school, or in life, I wanted to be strong and dependable, a leader, self-sufficient, and someone who inspired others. I never wanted to burden anyone. I wanted to be a self made man in every aspect of life. Yet, my pride was burdening everyone in my life with the thought that Brian is slowly killing himself through obesity. I was down 28 points in the second quarter and was telling everyone that we would pull this thing out no problem. They didn't buy it, neither did I. I realized, it was time to give up.
Now that I had given up; I could begin my fight. And once I committed to this fight the words of Jim Valvano began to echo in my head, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** I am excited to report that I have eliminated 4.6 lbs this week and weigh 401.2 lbs. That is a total of 31 lbs since I began making changes in my life. However, this has been a tough week as temptation has been everywhere. If you think of it, please say a prayer for my continued strength and focus on my health. Thank you!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
7 Points to Victory - The Plan
***As I explain my plan, I want to preface everything by saying that I am not an expert, but I am being guided by experts. However, this is what I believe I need to do in order to produce a real change in my life.***
Have you ever come across the person who could stop addictions, habits, or living trends cold turkey? They have no use or need of support systems or programs. These "cold turkeys" do one thing, in the words of Droopy Dog, "they make me mad". Believe it or not, I actually come from a line of these cold turkeys. My grandfather successfully quit alcohol and smoking; and my parents quit smoking; not without some struggle, but they overcame their addictions to find greener pastures. I always hoped I could be one of these cold turkeys when it came to my food issues. However, being a cold turkey was not to be a part of my path in life.
I do believe that as a part of this life we are meant to struggle and through that struggle we become stronger. Just like the old adage, "that which does not kill me, can only make me stronger." For the first time, I am seeing my struggle as an opportunity to become a better person, a better father, a better husband, a better friend, and better role model. I am fighting this battle that I may live a higher quality of life, but I find it interesting that I am finding more reasons every day as I continue my fight. As promised here is the plan, and my path to its discovery. This plan is designed with one purpose- to bring about real change in my life.
In December, 2009, as I sat at my computer, I was playing an online game called Evony. I remember waiting on my troops to attack an opponent and I began to think about the process I used to coordinate this attack. I would love to tell you that I designed this plan through some amazing opportunity, through some life changing experience, or that I was on a beach at sunrise and God spoke to me, but its not that fantastic or romantic. It happened in the trenches of my pathetic attempts to maintain childhood. LOL! My train of thought on this does not necessarily follow normal standard trains, as I like to say, "follow the crazy, if you can." As, I was waiting for my attack to hit, I began to think about the amount of coordination and different types of fighting units needed to win a battle in this game. Then, I began to think about how difficult it was to synchronize all these units, which led to me wondering why it was so difficult to synchronize the clocks in my house. Then, I thought; I really should be doing some projects around the house, instead of wasting time at the computer (my wife could not agree more). I have to shovel the driveway at least. Also, if I shovel, that would be great exercise, but it could give me a heart attack too. I bet I could just exercise by going for a walk. No, its too cold. I would have to get dressed in layers just to go for a walk, and I probably couldn't walk for very long. Its just not worth the hassle. I need to get in shape, but its so hard. ("That's what she said." beat you to it!) I don't need to just get into shape, I need to change how I live. How do I change habits that have been established over 37 years? BINGO!!! I finally thought something worth thinking. It is my million dollar question. How do I change??? I kept asking myself that question over and over. I stood up and began to sketch the areas of life that I have to address in order to produce a real change in my quality of life and develop healthy habits. This is what I wrote on the board.
In no particular order:
1. Infrastructure: I need to create an infrastructure of support. I need people to support me, to know what I am doing, and stay with me as I struggle in this fight.
2. Behavioral: I need to address my behavior. I need someone to help me identify the triggers, patterns, and factors involved in my past failures and current behavior.
3. Mental: I need to adjust my mindset. Overall, I have a negative outlook on food and my relationship with it. I need questions answered: Why do I do this? What I am I trying to get from food? Why I am I causing my own self destruction?
4. Physical: I need to address the physical aspects of fitness. I need to reexamine what I know about fitness and exercise. I need someone who can push me and keep me going, when I can only think of quitting.
5. Nutritional: I need to address my nutrition levels. The food I was putting in my mouth was not giving me energy, it was sapping the little energy that I had; and it held some strange addictive powers. I kept wanting more and more of the bad stuff and the healthy options always tasted, well unappetizing.
6. Medical: I need to maintain a level of medical supervision and safety. Too often, I have engaged in fad diets, supplements, and dangerous practices to drop weight, and I needed someone to steer me in a healthy direction. This also would function as a support when I started to plateau; it can reveal the unseen benefits of what I was doing and buoy my efforts in those tough phases.
7. Spiritual: I needed to address my spiritual side. If I did not lean on the power of God to produce real change, I was ultimately alone and potentially powerless. I decided that part of my fight had to be done in prayer.
After I was done, my Evony attack landed and victory was claimed, but I really just stared at the marker board. I thought about all the programs I had utilized in my past. I spent time thinking about what worked, what was good, what was flawed, and how I responded to each aspect. I developed a strong feeling that if I was meant to change my behavior, my thought process, and my health, that this was my only hope. That feeling began to turn to confidence and a sneaky feeling that I had stumbled upon something that had never been in my past programs. It was the beginnings of a program designed for me, not just part of me (physical, nutritional, or behavioral), but for all of me.
I believe that changing me is the hardest task I have to accomplish. It is the scary skeleton in my closet. I could change jobs, houses, cities, become a father three times, and experience life, but I was afraid to change myself. However, the habits that had become so comforting, safe, and at times defined me, were also slowly choking the life out of me. If I changed, I was challenged with the thought of losing a group of adjectives that had become synonymous with who I was...big, fat, chunky, chubby, thick, fluffy, pleasantly plump, or even morbidly obese. Unfortunately, I have attributed a lot, if not all, of who I am to these labels. However, I must, can and will embrace this change. I will move toward a new life with fear, anticipation, anxiety, and hope that I can be defined without those labels. This is a new challenge with a tough battle, but I believe that those seven points I have gathered will lead me to victory. I firmly believe that all of us have the ability to overcome great obstacles and whatever challenge you may face in your life, you can beat it as well. Just remember, don't let it get the best of you, fight with all that you have, and don't give up, don't ever give up.
Have a great week!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Riding the Yo-Yo
A month before I saw that dreaded number of 432.2, I put together a plan to produce a real change in my lifestyle. A plan to produce real weight loss and get myself healthy. This plan came from a wide range of experiences in the dieting world. Although the experiences varied, they were unsuccessful for multiple reasons. In this post, I share most of these programs and methods that I have experienced. I am not an expert by any means, but through these opportunities, I gained a pretty strong perspective on what I should do and what I should not do. This may not be my most uplifting post, but it is a reality for myself and an important piece of who I am and my plan.
My dieting journey started when I was about 11 years old. My doctor gave my mom a diet plan that is similar to the diabetic diet. At 11 years old, I wasn't slim and I wasn't obese, but I wanted to be thinner. I didn't like being considered fat by other kids and adults. I had become very conscious about how I was viewed and fitting into the mold that didn't get you made fun of or looked at differently. Guess what? Didn't work. The next plan was Weight Watchers (WW) at age 12. It was too difficult for a kid and really not geared for one either. This program was very different than the WW plan of today. Over the next year or two, I intermittently took diet pills in secret with little success. Then slim fast, which lasted less than a week. I mean seriously, that "delicious shake" tasted grainy and was like a milkshake prelude to a real meal.
The first two years of high school, I didn't really worry about dieting. My hope was that I would hit a growth spurt and it would all go away - it didn't and I kept gaining weight. However, towards the end of my junior year I received "the challenge". My football coach challenged me to lose weight and get down under 200 from 235 in order to be considered for playing time going into the season. I did everything possible to lose weight with a very limited knowledge of what I should do, eat, and how I should exercise. I wanted to play football more than anything else and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I kept working out with the team, but then began taking diet pills, missing meals, wearing plastic sweat suits to get the weight off. Luckily, nothing damaging happened to me, but I was only able to shed 20 lbs before the season - failed. I want to stop here for a moment. Does anyone see anything wrong with giving a teenager this challenge without any guidance? Kids blindly follow those who they look up to and this person gave little concern to how I was losing weight or what the consequences would be if it goes wrong. I would have done anything to take the weight off and I was engaging in some dangerous behaviors to make it happen. Overall, I am glad that "the challenge" did not work, except for paying up on a side bet.
I bet a friend that I would make the weight. The stakes, if I won he would have to have my number shaved in his hair, if I lost I would have his number shaved in my hair. Needless to say, I hated having that 61 carved into my hair. However, I earned playing time during some games of my senior year, after I recovered from a serious car accident, which is another story for another day.
My high school years end with a different doctor recommending me to take Fen-Phen. I remember my mom getting angry and moving our family out of that practice. I couldn't understand why. If the drug could help me and make this problem go away, then let's do it. Thank God for my mom! Fen-Phen was later considered dangerous and linked to a variety of serious birth defects in the children of those who took this drug. Thanks again mom!
During my college years, I tried to watch what I was eating and the amount of food I was taking in and I stayed in the 250 to 275 range. I had an extended tour of college with a couple of stops on the way. I went to Youngstown State University (YSU) for a year and wanted to be a college football coach, but that gave way to the belief that I was destined to be a pastor. Some of you know this and remember my enthusiasm; and those that know me now have just passed out. The karaoke icon - a pastor?!?! Yep, its true, but the reality is that it didn't take. That was not my path in life. I believe that God leads us in a lot of different directions, but we don't know why at the time. Later it may be revealed to us, but no guarantees. I left YSU for Pensacola, Florida and Pensacola Christian College (PCC). I spent three years at PCC only to realize that my calling was in education. I transferred back to YSU with enough credits to be a senior, but not having any that applied to my program. This meant that I would have to work almost four more years to get my degree in education to become a social studies teacher and football coach.
The first three years of my return to YSU, I stayed steady at the 270 - 290 mark. But I was still trying to lose weight. I was bouncing back and forth trying fad diet after fad diet: the 3-Day Diet, more slim fast, starvation cycles, I was exposed to the cabbage soup diet, and the revolutionary Atkins diet; only to gain back and then some when all was said and done. During this time, I also worked with a nutritionist and I started to gain information that would be imperative for true weight loss. Unfortunately, when someone starts telling me something radically different than what I am used to and comfortable with, the natural reaction is to not believe, resist, or twist the information to meet my comfortable parameters. I did this and eventually abandoned the nutritionist. In the spring of my last year at YSU and that following summer, I had a back injury from work that severely limited my ability to be active. I then had to fight for a year to get the appropriate treatment with the Bureau for Workers' Compensation and people who I thought cared about me. At the same time, I believe that I was battling through depression (self-diagnosed) as I struggled to find a job coaching or teaching. During this struggle, I turned to food for comfort and I saw my weight skyrocket to 370 lbs. All this before I would even enter the classroom as a professional teacher.
After I went to court and won, I was able to get the appropriate treatment for my back, which ended up being surgery and physical therapy. I spent more time on Atkins, experimenting with my own ideas, and then I ran into another "miracle drug" - Xenadrine. I say this completely tongue in cheek. As this was popular in a lot of weight loss supplements. I took Xenadrine for about three weeks, lost 25 lbs, and had a doctor immediately remove me from it, due to extremely high blood pressure and heart rate. Oh well, it kind of worked. Shortly after my doctor intervened, Xenadrine was pulled from the shelves as people were hurt from its effects. I went to another nutritionist again with no success and then tried a program that will forever be know as Fat People Anonymous (FPA) for two reasons. One, I can't remember the real name. Two, I referred to the program as FPA to entertain my friends and share with them some of the stuff that I experienced in this program, it seemed fitting. FPA was a program through The Ohio State University and seemed to be a precursor to getting gastric bypass surgery. This program was about $700 for twelve weeks and included group meetings, two sessions with a behavioral counselor, supplements, and a couple of sessions with a nutritionist. This program was a flop for me and all but one person in the group. I think it was a flop because of the lack of individualization, the readiness levels of the group, and the lack of connection with the counselors. However, this was the first time that I believed there was more to weight loss than just diet and exercise. I just needed a break after this program. I started to think that the multiple failures meant something. I began to accept the belief that I was meant to be big. I would think to myself, "maybe I'm just different that way. I think I need to embrace who I am." So I did. I became proud of what I could eat.
As I became an assistant principal, I remember using food as a stress reliever. This lead to me taking on and promoting food challenges and never losing. I would eat it all and look for more; and for a short time, I was able to keep my weight in check. If any of you watch the show Man v. Food, I could have buried that guy.
As I was taking down these food challenges, a new reality show hit the airwaves, The Biggest Loser. What an amazing inspirational show for health and weight loss! Is it realistic though? The people on there are in a bubble, they don't have to deal with the world. Wait!!! Maybe that's what I need, I could be on that show - I'm going for it! I'm going back to Cali, Cali, I'm going back to Cali - hmmm, I don't think so. What am I thinking?!?! I can't leave my home, job, and family for months to do this; how will I pay the mortgage? No, this isn't the path for me. Even though, I firmly believe that I would have become the next "IT" guy for Hollywood. This would eventually land me some cameos, then TV/movie roles, but then eventually on the Belushi/Farley path. Nope, I'm not going to be the next E True Hollywood Story.
I digress, the people on this show made me realize one thing; this weight can come off. Shortly after this show started airing, I began to see more shows pop up that dealt with obesity success stories and then The Biggest Loser challenges started at work. We decided to put some money on the line and get in shape as an administrative team. We all ponied up about $50 and began the challenge. I opted for another go at Weight Watchers (WW) and I was fired up and ready to go. In the end, I won! I took all those punks down. Its over, right? I kept going, right? Unfortunately, no.
I soon put the weight back on and then some. I remember a good friend telling me a year later, that I should be ashamed of myself for putting the weight back on. I laughed it off, but behind the laugh I was more than ashamed. I had started to hate myself, not dislike, hate. I began to lose belief in myself, my abilities, my control, and my worth as a person. My career was booming, but I was hurting like never before and I worked hard at making sure no one could know my pain. How did I do it? I got funnier, more outrageous, put on a front of total confidence and focus, and I consumed myself with my career. If everyone saw how successful I was, then everyone will be proud of me, everyone will forget about my size, that is what I wanted, right?. Wrong! I wanted to gain approval from myself. Ironically, the approval from others came, my career soared and I found that my internal dialogue did not change. I also discovered that it could counteract any external positives. No matter what anyone said, I was still fat and that was how I defined myself. God, I hate that word. No other word brings up such fear, loathing, and discomfort for me than fat.
In a plot twist, it was this negative self speak that triggered something in me, it kept eating at me, I could not get rid of this one instinct - to FIGHT! Let me explain, I grew up in a very nice suburb of a tough steel town (also a mob town), and suburb or city, you learn three things growing up in Youngstown, Ohio: loyalty, work ethic, and don't go down without a fight. Now, combine that will to fight, with the experience-based knowledge that I had gained, and perspective from two more reality shows that dealt with addiction, and I had the inspiration and know how to develop a plan.
Before I go down this road, I am not comfortable saying I am dealing with an addiction that is anywhere near as powerful as drug addiction, but I do see some similarities. Watching how these people battled substance abuse made me think. Almost everything I have done to fight my battle with obesity has been limited, single or double faceted. Since I see similarities in my condition, with those who are battling substance addiction, why not incorporate a more whole person approach? It obviously wouldn't be the same, but what if I put every concept together that I have experienced (that were healthy and positive) and added some pieces that would support real change in my life? After all, the hardest thing to do for a person is to change their behaviors, habits, and way of thinking. It hit me. This can't be done with one method. It has to be done with all methods in a coordinated effort. My battle is not just with what and how I eat, my level of exercise/activity, my behavior, or my mind and its workings; its with all of it. That is the epiphany I had while sitting at the computer, playing a game, listening to the song about 10,000 lightening bugs giving me a thousand hugs. Creepy, doesn't this guy have any raid or a wiffle ball bat?
Now I realize that this is not my funniest post and please know that I am not looking for any sympathy. Sympathy actually makes me uncomfortable and I am in such a good place now that it would irritate me. I am putting this out there, because it is a part of my process of going from here to there. If anything look at this post through the lens of the old proverb, "it is always darkest before the dawn". Because I'm coming back baby!
Weight Update: As of April 10, 2010, I weighed in at 407.6 lbs; a loss of 6.6 lbs for the week and a total of 24.6 lbs since that fateful day. More importantly, I am feeling better and getting stronger.
My next post, will start to give you a look into the plan and some of the successes that are coming out of it. Until then, I hope everyone enjoys life and has a great week. And remember, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
My dieting journey started when I was about 11 years old. My doctor gave my mom a diet plan that is similar to the diabetic diet. At 11 years old, I wasn't slim and I wasn't obese, but I wanted to be thinner. I didn't like being considered fat by other kids and adults. I had become very conscious about how I was viewed and fitting into the mold that didn't get you made fun of or looked at differently. Guess what? Didn't work. The next plan was Weight Watchers (WW) at age 12. It was too difficult for a kid and really not geared for one either. This program was very different than the WW plan of today. Over the next year or two, I intermittently took diet pills in secret with little success. Then slim fast, which lasted less than a week. I mean seriously, that "delicious shake" tasted grainy and was like a milkshake prelude to a real meal.
The first two years of high school, I didn't really worry about dieting. My hope was that I would hit a growth spurt and it would all go away - it didn't and I kept gaining weight. However, towards the end of my junior year I received "the challenge". My football coach challenged me to lose weight and get down under 200 from 235 in order to be considered for playing time going into the season. I did everything possible to lose weight with a very limited knowledge of what I should do, eat, and how I should exercise. I wanted to play football more than anything else and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I kept working out with the team, but then began taking diet pills, missing meals, wearing plastic sweat suits to get the weight off. Luckily, nothing damaging happened to me, but I was only able to shed 20 lbs before the season - failed. I want to stop here for a moment. Does anyone see anything wrong with giving a teenager this challenge without any guidance? Kids blindly follow those who they look up to and this person gave little concern to how I was losing weight or what the consequences would be if it goes wrong. I would have done anything to take the weight off and I was engaging in some dangerous behaviors to make it happen. Overall, I am glad that "the challenge" did not work, except for paying up on a side bet.
I bet a friend that I would make the weight. The stakes, if I won he would have to have my number shaved in his hair, if I lost I would have his number shaved in my hair. Needless to say, I hated having that 61 carved into my hair. However, I earned playing time during some games of my senior year, after I recovered from a serious car accident, which is another story for another day.
My high school years end with a different doctor recommending me to take Fen-Phen. I remember my mom getting angry and moving our family out of that practice. I couldn't understand why. If the drug could help me and make this problem go away, then let's do it. Thank God for my mom! Fen-Phen was later considered dangerous and linked to a variety of serious birth defects in the children of those who took this drug. Thanks again mom!
During my college years, I tried to watch what I was eating and the amount of food I was taking in and I stayed in the 250 to 275 range. I had an extended tour of college with a couple of stops on the way. I went to Youngstown State University (YSU) for a year and wanted to be a college football coach, but that gave way to the belief that I was destined to be a pastor. Some of you know this and remember my enthusiasm; and those that know me now have just passed out. The karaoke icon - a pastor?!?! Yep, its true, but the reality is that it didn't take. That was not my path in life. I believe that God leads us in a lot of different directions, but we don't know why at the time. Later it may be revealed to us, but no guarantees. I left YSU for Pensacola, Florida and Pensacola Christian College (PCC). I spent three years at PCC only to realize that my calling was in education. I transferred back to YSU with enough credits to be a senior, but not having any that applied to my program. This meant that I would have to work almost four more years to get my degree in education to become a social studies teacher and football coach.
The first three years of my return to YSU, I stayed steady at the 270 - 290 mark. But I was still trying to lose weight. I was bouncing back and forth trying fad diet after fad diet: the 3-Day Diet, more slim fast, starvation cycles, I was exposed to the cabbage soup diet, and the revolutionary Atkins diet; only to gain back and then some when all was said and done. During this time, I also worked with a nutritionist and I started to gain information that would be imperative for true weight loss. Unfortunately, when someone starts telling me something radically different than what I am used to and comfortable with, the natural reaction is to not believe, resist, or twist the information to meet my comfortable parameters. I did this and eventually abandoned the nutritionist. In the spring of my last year at YSU and that following summer, I had a back injury from work that severely limited my ability to be active. I then had to fight for a year to get the appropriate treatment with the Bureau for Workers' Compensation and people who I thought cared about me. At the same time, I believe that I was battling through depression (self-diagnosed) as I struggled to find a job coaching or teaching. During this struggle, I turned to food for comfort and I saw my weight skyrocket to 370 lbs. All this before I would even enter the classroom as a professional teacher.
After I went to court and won, I was able to get the appropriate treatment for my back, which ended up being surgery and physical therapy. I spent more time on Atkins, experimenting with my own ideas, and then I ran into another "miracle drug" - Xenadrine. I say this completely tongue in cheek. As this was popular in a lot of weight loss supplements. I took Xenadrine for about three weeks, lost 25 lbs, and had a doctor immediately remove me from it, due to extremely high blood pressure and heart rate. Oh well, it kind of worked. Shortly after my doctor intervened, Xenadrine was pulled from the shelves as people were hurt from its effects. I went to another nutritionist again with no success and then tried a program that will forever be know as Fat People Anonymous (FPA) for two reasons. One, I can't remember the real name. Two, I referred to the program as FPA to entertain my friends and share with them some of the stuff that I experienced in this program, it seemed fitting. FPA was a program through The Ohio State University and seemed to be a precursor to getting gastric bypass surgery. This program was about $700 for twelve weeks and included group meetings, two sessions with a behavioral counselor, supplements, and a couple of sessions with a nutritionist. This program was a flop for me and all but one person in the group. I think it was a flop because of the lack of individualization, the readiness levels of the group, and the lack of connection with the counselors. However, this was the first time that I believed there was more to weight loss than just diet and exercise. I just needed a break after this program. I started to think that the multiple failures meant something. I began to accept the belief that I was meant to be big. I would think to myself, "maybe I'm just different that way. I think I need to embrace who I am." So I did. I became proud of what I could eat.
As I became an assistant principal, I remember using food as a stress reliever. This lead to me taking on and promoting food challenges and never losing. I would eat it all and look for more; and for a short time, I was able to keep my weight in check. If any of you watch the show Man v. Food, I could have buried that guy.
As I was taking down these food challenges, a new reality show hit the airwaves, The Biggest Loser. What an amazing inspirational show for health and weight loss! Is it realistic though? The people on there are in a bubble, they don't have to deal with the world. Wait!!! Maybe that's what I need, I could be on that show - I'm going for it! I'm going back to Cali, Cali, I'm going back to Cali - hmmm, I don't think so. What am I thinking?!?! I can't leave my home, job, and family for months to do this; how will I pay the mortgage? No, this isn't the path for me. Even though, I firmly believe that I would have become the next "IT" guy for Hollywood. This would eventually land me some cameos, then TV/movie roles, but then eventually on the Belushi/Farley path. Nope, I'm not going to be the next E True Hollywood Story.
I digress, the people on this show made me realize one thing; this weight can come off. Shortly after this show started airing, I began to see more shows pop up that dealt with obesity success stories and then The Biggest Loser challenges started at work. We decided to put some money on the line and get in shape as an administrative team. We all ponied up about $50 and began the challenge. I opted for another go at Weight Watchers (WW) and I was fired up and ready to go. In the end, I won! I took all those punks down. Its over, right? I kept going, right? Unfortunately, no.
I soon put the weight back on and then some. I remember a good friend telling me a year later, that I should be ashamed of myself for putting the weight back on. I laughed it off, but behind the laugh I was more than ashamed. I had started to hate myself, not dislike, hate. I began to lose belief in myself, my abilities, my control, and my worth as a person. My career was booming, but I was hurting like never before and I worked hard at making sure no one could know my pain. How did I do it? I got funnier, more outrageous, put on a front of total confidence and focus, and I consumed myself with my career. If everyone saw how successful I was, then everyone will be proud of me, everyone will forget about my size, that is what I wanted, right?. Wrong! I wanted to gain approval from myself. Ironically, the approval from others came, my career soared and I found that my internal dialogue did not change. I also discovered that it could counteract any external positives. No matter what anyone said, I was still fat and that was how I defined myself. God, I hate that word. No other word brings up such fear, loathing, and discomfort for me than fat.
In a plot twist, it was this negative self speak that triggered something in me, it kept eating at me, I could not get rid of this one instinct - to FIGHT! Let me explain, I grew up in a very nice suburb of a tough steel town (also a mob town), and suburb or city, you learn three things growing up in Youngstown, Ohio: loyalty, work ethic, and don't go down without a fight. Now, combine that will to fight, with the experience-based knowledge that I had gained, and perspective from two more reality shows that dealt with addiction, and I had the inspiration and know how to develop a plan.
Before I go down this road, I am not comfortable saying I am dealing with an addiction that is anywhere near as powerful as drug addiction, but I do see some similarities. Watching how these people battled substance abuse made me think. Almost everything I have done to fight my battle with obesity has been limited, single or double faceted. Since I see similarities in my condition, with those who are battling substance addiction, why not incorporate a more whole person approach? It obviously wouldn't be the same, but what if I put every concept together that I have experienced (that were healthy and positive) and added some pieces that would support real change in my life? After all, the hardest thing to do for a person is to change their behaviors, habits, and way of thinking. It hit me. This can't be done with one method. It has to be done with all methods in a coordinated effort. My battle is not just with what and how I eat, my level of exercise/activity, my behavior, or my mind and its workings; its with all of it. That is the epiphany I had while sitting at the computer, playing a game, listening to the song about 10,000 lightening bugs giving me a thousand hugs. Creepy, doesn't this guy have any raid or a wiffle ball bat?
Now I realize that this is not my funniest post and please know that I am not looking for any sympathy. Sympathy actually makes me uncomfortable and I am in such a good place now that it would irritate me. I am putting this out there, because it is a part of my process of going from here to there. If anything look at this post through the lens of the old proverb, "it is always darkest before the dawn". Because I'm coming back baby!
Weight Update: As of April 10, 2010, I weighed in at 407.6 lbs; a loss of 6.6 lbs for the week and a total of 24.6 lbs since that fateful day. More importantly, I am feeling better and getting stronger.
My next post, will start to give you a look into the plan and some of the successes that are coming out of it. Until then, I hope everyone enjoys life and has a great week. And remember, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Where I Am
"It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it. " (Jim Valvano, ESPY Award Speech, 1993)
In December of 2009, I had an epiphany that led to the creation of my plan to regain control of my health and as I started the process of implementation in January, I did so without urgency. Its not that I didn't care, sometimes you just need a spark to get things started. Well that spark came in early February in the form of a number, 432.2, my God what have I done! I don't like that the spark had to come from panic, but its here nonetheless. I have tried to hide this number from everybody, including my wife. Ultimately, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to admit to anyone let alone everyone. However, I am doing it because I believe that it is critical to my success and to let everyone know that it is never too late to change.
Let's take a step back and catch everyone up to speed. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would become this out of shape or heavy. Yes, my mom bought me husky jeans growing up, but really they were quite manly. Hey baby, you like dogs? Cause I'm a husky (one eyebrow raised and a wink). I mean seriously, the older chicks at the swim club totally dug it when I posed on the high dive in my swim team speedo (this was pre-Goonies and the truffle shuffle days). OK back to reality, I was always thicker, but not obese. I was athletic, I was on the swim team, played football, baseball and later softball, and I loved being active. What happened???!!!
Things started slowly, never too drastic or outrageous. I started my senior year of high school at about 218 and ended it around 235. I went to college and pushed up to 270. I started coaching football and went to 290. This all happened over the course of 7 years. It was done in small increments, easily justified, and easily ignored. Next, I hurt my back at work and went from 290 to 370 in a year. This scared me, but I was limited in what I could do and I ended up fighting down to around 340 after I healed. Things stayed steady for a while, but then work stress went through the roof as I became a school administrator and well, I put my health on the back burner. The numbers didn't scare me, although I tried to find any motivation to change, I was healthy and able to do almost everything I could do before. I mean seriously, I was doing the worm and dancing the soldier boy at pep rallies, and to my friends I became a karaoke icon. I could do it all baby!
However, when I hit 432, I became more worried about my overall quality of life and ability to live life. I mean the number greatly concerns me, but its being out of breath all the time, not being able to play with my kids, or giving friends BS excuses as to why I can't play golf or whatever to hide the fact that I can't function the way I want to function.
The strange thing is and was, I was not eating bad foods all the time. I tried to exercise at times, I kept working on dieting, but I seemed powerless at times for the inevitable weight gain. My biggest problem was a combination of lack of knowledge, destructive routines and wishful thinking. I thought if I ever crossed the 250 pound mark I would get fit, then it was 300 lbs, then it was 325, 350, 400, and so on it went; a new rationale, a new reality, and a whole new set of excuses to not deal with my worsening condition: I know I can do anything I set my mind to, just not right now; this is going to be too hard; I can’t afford healthy food; I don’t have any time to work on this; that looks so good – tomorrow I’ll do it, I promise; and so on it goes.
I always thought that the magical tomorrow would arrive some day and in Rocky Balboa type fashion, it would all kick in and I would overcome this physical condition that is choking the life out of me.
That gets us to where I was in February. Where I am now, and Where do I want to be? I will give a more detailed look in future posts, but let me just say this, I have a comprehensive plan that is working, some actual numbers that I want to reach, but overall I just want to be healthy and fit.
I will be sharing my progress giving you an update on pounds eliminated (I try not to say lost, because inevitably I find them again- haha). My ultimate goal is to be fit, live life, and touch the lives of others with my story. I am as excited as I have ever been to recapture what I have lost and regain my inner studness. I know, many of the ladies are saying - you always have been a stud. I know, but I'm raising the bar! :) Till next time - dont' give up. Don't ever give up.
In December of 2009, I had an epiphany that led to the creation of my plan to regain control of my health and as I started the process of implementation in January, I did so without urgency. Its not that I didn't care, sometimes you just need a spark to get things started. Well that spark came in early February in the form of a number, 432.2, my God what have I done! I don't like that the spark had to come from panic, but its here nonetheless. I have tried to hide this number from everybody, including my wife. Ultimately, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to admit to anyone let alone everyone. However, I am doing it because I believe that it is critical to my success and to let everyone know that it is never too late to change.
Let's take a step back and catch everyone up to speed. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would become this out of shape or heavy. Yes, my mom bought me husky jeans growing up, but really they were quite manly. Hey baby, you like dogs? Cause I'm a husky (one eyebrow raised and a wink). I mean seriously, the older chicks at the swim club totally dug it when I posed on the high dive in my swim team speedo (this was pre-Goonies and the truffle shuffle days). OK back to reality, I was always thicker, but not obese. I was athletic, I was on the swim team, played football, baseball and later softball, and I loved being active. What happened???!!!
Things started slowly, never too drastic or outrageous. I started my senior year of high school at about 218 and ended it around 235. I went to college and pushed up to 270. I started coaching football and went to 290. This all happened over the course of 7 years. It was done in small increments, easily justified, and easily ignored. Next, I hurt my back at work and went from 290 to 370 in a year. This scared me, but I was limited in what I could do and I ended up fighting down to around 340 after I healed. Things stayed steady for a while, but then work stress went through the roof as I became a school administrator and well, I put my health on the back burner. The numbers didn't scare me, although I tried to find any motivation to change, I was healthy and able to do almost everything I could do before. I mean seriously, I was doing the worm and dancing the soldier boy at pep rallies, and to my friends I became a karaoke icon. I could do it all baby!
However, when I hit 432, I became more worried about my overall quality of life and ability to live life. I mean the number greatly concerns me, but its being out of breath all the time, not being able to play with my kids, or giving friends BS excuses as to why I can't play golf or whatever to hide the fact that I can't function the way I want to function.
The strange thing is and was, I was not eating bad foods all the time. I tried to exercise at times, I kept working on dieting, but I seemed powerless at times for the inevitable weight gain. My biggest problem was a combination of lack of knowledge, destructive routines and wishful thinking. I thought if I ever crossed the 250 pound mark I would get fit, then it was 300 lbs, then it was 325, 350, 400, and so on it went; a new rationale, a new reality, and a whole new set of excuses to not deal with my worsening condition: I know I can do anything I set my mind to, just not right now; this is going to be too hard; I can’t afford healthy food; I don’t have any time to work on this; that looks so good – tomorrow I’ll do it, I promise; and so on it goes.
I always thought that the magical tomorrow would arrive some day and in Rocky Balboa type fashion, it would all kick in and I would overcome this physical condition that is choking the life out of me.
That gets us to where I was in February. Where I am now, and Where do I want to be? I will give a more detailed look in future posts, but let me just say this, I have a comprehensive plan that is working, some actual numbers that I want to reach, but overall I just want to be healthy and fit.
I will be sharing my progress giving you an update on pounds eliminated (I try not to say lost, because inevitably I find them again- haha). My ultimate goal is to be fit, live life, and touch the lives of others with my story. I am as excited as I have ever been to recapture what I have lost and regain my inner studness. I know, many of the ladies are saying - you always have been a stud. I know, but I'm raising the bar! :) Till next time - dont' give up. Don't ever give up.
How Can I Help?
Over the years I have been privileged to have great friends who care deeply about me. Sometimes they care so much, they are afraid to approach me about my weight for fear that it would cause an argument or an uncomfortable spot in our friendship. If this applies to you, don't worry about it, because I already am on the path to health. However, if you are interested in joining me, there are 5 things below that you can do to help me accomplish my goal of health.
Please understand that this is not your problem or responsibility to work through. I don't want to burden anyone with responsibility that should fall on my shoulders or have someone else deal with the consequences of my past actions that have led me to this point. I am simply putting this out there because people ask from time to time, "how can I help?".
So getting down to the nitty gritty, here is how you can help:
1. Don't make any changes or feel obligated to do anything differently around me. I am in charge of myself and I want you to feel normal around me. I have the power to say no or steer away from my week spots.
2. If I say no to food or a situation, please don't keep asking me to eat, take food home, or do something I don't feel comfortable doing. I have the power to say no, but it is tough sometimes.
3. Don't give gifts of food, unless you feel strongly that it is something that I feel is healthy for me. An encouraging word or note is much better.
4. Please continue to include me in parties, get-togethers, and social events. I am developing the tools and strength to work through these situations, so "Party on Wayne! Party on Garth!"
5. Overall, just be my friend and feel free to spread the word that I am making a change for the better.
Please understand that this is not your problem or responsibility to work through. I don't want to burden anyone with responsibility that should fall on my shoulders or have someone else deal with the consequences of my past actions that have led me to this point. I am simply putting this out there because people ask from time to time, "how can I help?".
So getting down to the nitty gritty, here is how you can help:
1. Don't make any changes or feel obligated to do anything differently around me. I am in charge of myself and I want you to feel normal around me. I have the power to say no or steer away from my week spots.
2. If I say no to food or a situation, please don't keep asking me to eat, take food home, or do something I don't feel comfortable doing. I have the power to say no, but it is tough sometimes.
3. Don't give gifts of food, unless you feel strongly that it is something that I feel is healthy for me. An encouraging word or note is much better.
4. Please continue to include me in parties, get-togethers, and social events. I am developing the tools and strength to work through these situations, so "Party on Wayne! Party on Garth!"
5. Overall, just be my friend and feel free to spread the word that I am making a change for the better.
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