Riding the Yo-Yo

A month before I saw that dreaded number of 432.2, I put together a plan to produce a real change in my lifestyle. A plan to produce real weight loss and get myself healthy. This plan came from a wide range of experiences in the dieting world. Although the experiences varied, they were unsuccessful for multiple reasons. In this post, I share most of these programs and methods that I have experienced. I am not an expert by any means, but through these opportunities, I gained a pretty strong perspective on what I should do and what I should not do. This may not be my most uplifting post, but it is a reality for myself and an important piece of who I am and my plan.

My dieting journey started when I was about 11 years old. My doctor gave my mom a diet plan that is similar to the diabetic diet. At 11 years old, I wasn't slim and I wasn't obese, but I wanted to be thinner. I didn't like being considered fat by other kids and adults. I had become very conscious about how I was viewed and fitting into the mold that didn't get you made fun of or looked at differently. Guess what? Didn't work. The next plan was Weight Watchers (WW) at age 12. It was too difficult for a kid and really not geared for one either. This program was very different than the WW plan of today. Over the next year or two, I intermittently took diet pills in secret with little success. Then slim fast, which lasted less than a week. I mean seriously, that "delicious shake" tasted grainy and was like a milkshake prelude to a real meal.

The first two years of high school, I didn't really worry about dieting. My hope was that I would hit a growth spurt and it would all go away - it didn't and I kept gaining weight. However, towards the end of my junior year I received "the challenge". My football coach challenged me to lose weight and get down under 200 from 235 in order to be considered for playing time going into the season. I did everything possible to lose weight with a very limited knowledge of what I should do, eat, and how I should exercise. I wanted to play football more than anything else and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I kept working out with the team, but then began taking diet pills, missing meals, wearing plastic sweat suits to get the weight off. Luckily, nothing damaging happened to me, but I was only able to shed 20 lbs before the season - failed. I want to stop here for a moment. Does anyone see anything wrong with giving a teenager this challenge without any guidance? Kids blindly follow those who they look up to and this person gave little concern to how I was losing weight or what the consequences would be if it goes wrong. I would have done anything to take the weight off and I was engaging in some dangerous behaviors to make it happen. Overall, I am glad that "the challenge" did not work, except for paying up on a side bet.

I bet a friend that I would make the weight. The stakes, if I won he would have to have my number shaved in his hair, if I lost I would have his number shaved in my hair. Needless to say, I hated having that 61 carved into my hair. However, I earned playing time during some games of my senior year, after I recovered from a serious car accident, which is another story for another day.

My high school years end with a different doctor recommending me to take Fen-Phen. I remember my mom getting angry and moving our family out of that practice. I couldn't understand why. If the drug could help me and make this problem go away, then let's do it. Thank God for my mom! Fen-Phen was later considered dangerous and linked to a variety of serious birth defects in the children of those who took this drug. Thanks again mom!

During my college years, I tried to watch what I was eating and the amount of food I was taking in and I stayed in the 250 to 275 range. I had an extended tour of college with a couple of stops on the way. I went to Youngstown State University (YSU) for a year and wanted to be a college football coach, but that gave way to the belief that I was destined to be a pastor. Some of you know this and remember my enthusiasm; and those that know me now have just passed out. The karaoke icon - a pastor?!?! Yep, its true, but the reality is that it didn't take. That was not my path in life. I believe that God leads us in a lot of different directions, but we don't know why at the time. Later it may be revealed to us, but no guarantees. I left YSU for Pensacola, Florida and Pensacola Christian College (PCC). I spent three years at PCC only to realize that my calling was in education. I transferred back to YSU with enough credits to be a senior, but not having any that applied to my program. This meant that I would have to work almost four more years to get my degree in education to become a social studies teacher and football coach.

The first three years of my return to YSU, I stayed steady at the 270 - 290 mark. But I was still trying to lose weight. I was bouncing back and forth trying fad diet after fad diet: the 3-Day Diet, more slim fast, starvation cycles, I was exposed to the cabbage soup diet, and the revolutionary Atkins diet; only to gain back and then some when all was said and done. During this time, I also worked with a nutritionist and I started to gain information that would be imperative for true weight loss. Unfortunately, when someone starts telling me something radically different than what I am used to and comfortable with, the natural reaction is to not believe, resist, or twist the information to meet my comfortable parameters. I did this and eventually abandoned the nutritionist. In the spring of my last year at YSU and that following summer, I had a back injury from work that severely limited my ability to be active. I then had to fight for a year to get the appropriate treatment with the Bureau for Workers' Compensation and people who I thought cared about me. At the same time, I believe that I was battling through depression (self-diagnosed) as I struggled to find a job coaching or teaching. During this struggle, I turned to food for comfort and I saw my weight skyrocket to 370 lbs. All this before I would even enter the classroom as a professional teacher.

After I went to court and won, I was able to get the appropriate treatment for my back, which ended up being surgery and physical therapy. I spent more time on Atkins, experimenting with my own ideas, and then I ran into another "miracle drug" - Xenadrine. I say this completely tongue in cheek. As this was popular in a lot of weight loss supplements. I took Xenadrine for about three weeks, lost 25 lbs, and had a doctor immediately remove me from it, due to extremely high blood pressure and heart rate. Oh well, it kind of worked. Shortly after my doctor intervened, Xenadrine was pulled from the shelves as people were hurt from its effects. I went to another nutritionist again with no success and then tried a program that will forever be know as Fat People Anonymous (FPA) for two reasons. One, I can't remember the real name. Two, I referred to the program as FPA to entertain my friends and share with them some of the stuff that I experienced in this program, it seemed fitting. FPA was a program through The Ohio State University and seemed to be a precursor to getting gastric bypass surgery. This program was about $700 for twelve weeks and included group meetings, two sessions with a behavioral counselor, supplements, and a couple of sessions with a nutritionist. This program was a flop for me and all but one person in the group. I think it was a flop because of the lack of individualization, the readiness levels of the group, and the lack of connection with the counselors. However, this was the first time that I believed there was more to weight loss than just diet and exercise. I just needed a break after this program. I started to think that the multiple failures meant something. I began to accept the belief that I was meant to be big. I would think to myself, "maybe I'm just different that way. I think I need to embrace who I am." So I did. I became proud of what I could eat.

As I became an assistant principal, I remember using food as a stress reliever. This lead to me taking on and promoting food challenges and never losing. I would eat it all and look for more; and for a short time, I was able to keep my weight in check. If any of you watch the show Man v. Food, I could have buried that guy.

As I was taking down these food challenges, a new reality show hit the airwaves, The Biggest Loser. What an amazing inspirational show for health and weight loss! Is it realistic though? The people on there are in a bubble, they don't have to deal with the world. Wait!!! Maybe that's what I need, I could be on that show - I'm going for it! I'm going back to Cali, Cali, I'm going back to Cali - hmmm, I don't think so. What am I thinking?!?! I can't leave my home, job, and family for months to do this; how will I pay the mortgage? No, this isn't the path for me. Even though, I firmly believe that I would have become the next "IT" guy for Hollywood. This would eventually land me some cameos, then TV/movie roles, but then eventually on the Belushi/Farley path. Nope, I'm not going to be the next E True Hollywood Story.

I digress, the people on this show made me realize one thing; this weight can come off. Shortly after this show started airing, I began to see more shows pop up that dealt with obesity success stories and then The Biggest Loser challenges started at work. We decided to put some money on the line and get in shape as an administrative team. We all ponied up about $50 and began the challenge. I opted for another go at Weight Watchers (WW) and I was fired up and ready to go. In the end, I won! I took all those punks down. Its over, right? I kept going, right? Unfortunately, no.

I soon put the weight back on and then some. I remember a good friend telling me a year later, that I should be ashamed of myself for putting the weight back on. I laughed it off, but behind the laugh I was more than ashamed. I had started to hate myself, not dislike, hate. I began to lose belief in myself, my abilities, my control, and my worth as a person. My career was booming, but I was hurting like never before and I worked hard at making sure no one could know my pain. How did I do it? I got funnier, more outrageous, put on a front of total confidence and focus, and I consumed myself with my career. If everyone saw how successful I was, then everyone will be proud of me, everyone will forget about my size, that is what I wanted, right?. Wrong! I wanted to gain approval from myself. Ironically, the approval from others came, my career soared and I found that my internal dialogue did not change. I also discovered that it could counteract any external positives. No matter what anyone said, I was still fat and that was how I defined myself. God, I hate that word. No other word brings up such fear, loathing, and discomfort for me than fat.

In a plot twist, it was this negative self speak that triggered something in me, it kept eating at me, I could not get rid of this one instinct - to FIGHT! Let me explain, I grew up in a very nice suburb of a tough steel town (also a mob town), and suburb or city, you learn three things growing up in Youngstown, Ohio: loyalty, work ethic, and don't go down without a fight. Now, combine that will to fight, with the experience-based knowledge that I had gained, and perspective from two more reality shows that dealt with addiction, and I had the inspiration and know how to develop a plan.

Before I go down this road, I am not comfortable saying I am dealing with an addiction that is anywhere near as powerful as drug addiction, but I do see some similarities. Watching how these people battled substance abuse made me think. Almost everything I have done to fight my battle with obesity has been limited, single or double faceted. Since I see similarities in my condition, with those who are battling substance addiction, why not incorporate a more whole person approach? It obviously wouldn't be the same, but what if I put every concept together that I have experienced (that were healthy and positive) and added some pieces that would support real change in my life? After all, the hardest thing to do for a person is to change their behaviors, habits, and way of thinking. It hit me. This can't be done with one method. It has to be done with all methods in a coordinated effort. My battle is not just with what and how I eat, my level of exercise/activity, my behavior, or my mind and its workings; its with all of it. That is the epiphany I had while sitting at the computer, playing a game, listening to the song about 10,000 lightening bugs giving me a thousand hugs. Creepy, doesn't this guy have any raid or a wiffle ball bat?

Now I realize that this is not my funniest post and please know that I am not looking for any sympathy. Sympathy actually makes me uncomfortable and I am in such a good place now that it would irritate me. I am putting this out there, because it is a part of my process of going from here to there. If anything look at this post through the lens of the old proverb, "it is always darkest before the dawn". Because I'm coming back baby!

Weight Update: As of April 10, 2010, I weighed in at 407.6 lbs; a loss of 6.6 lbs for the week and a total of 24.6 lbs since that fateful day. More importantly, I am feeling better and getting stronger.

My next post, will start to give you a look into the plan and some of the successes that are coming out of it. Until then, I hope everyone enjoys life and has a great week. And remember, don't give up. Don't ever give up.