I'm Giving Up!

In order for my plan to work and before I could take action, I realized that I had to give up. I had to give up my belief that I had been there done that. I had to give up my doubts and my negative thoughts about myself. I had to give up my ability to rationalize unhealthy behavior. I had to give up my personal notion that I knew more than the experts. I had to be willing to get uncomfortable in this process and then accept a new normal in my approach to eating and fitness. I had to give up and come to the realization that what I knew was not enough to produce real change in my life. Sure, I have lost weight before, but I have never produced the long-term change it takes to stay healthy.

I often thought that I had enough experience going through so many programs and methods that I could coach anyone to lose weight. I also thought that I could do it, if I really wanted to do it. This was a total act of lying to myself. I desperately wanted to be fit, but felt powerless to make another attempt. I convinced myself that I was waiting for motivation, inspiration, or an ultimatum from my doctor that would scare me straight. In my eyes, these moments never came; but the road was paved with warning signs. I kept seeing the signs, but hoping for something more, something monumental that would bring it all together. I now realize that this was inspirational Russian roulette; hoping the inspiration arrives before the bullet. I now believe that "Rocky moments" are few and far between in life. Frankly, I am wondering if they are real at all. This process to gain a higher quality of life is hard and is often void of inspiration. Yet, it has to be hard because the reward is worth it.

This concept of giving up proved to be a major challenge for me in many ways. I felt as though I knew a lot about weight loss. When you ride the yo-yo (previous post) like I had for 20+ years, I began to believe that I was very knowledgeable and knew it all. But since I perceived that I knew so much, I became hopeless about my lack of weight loss. My thinking spiraled downward into negativity, self spin or escape. I found flaws- some valid- in every line of thought, program, or effort to lose weight. The big question remained; buried deep inside, it kept rising up no matter how hard I tried to bury it. If I knew so damn much and had all this knowledge, why couldn't I change?!?

I then attempted to actively fool myself into believing things weren't as bad as I thought or that the problems could disappear. I was only trying to hide my past failure. Let me use a football analogy to explain my thinking, I was down by 28 points heading into the half and I was waiting for a moment to bring it all together. Instead of embracing the opportunity to have a monumental comeback, I kept internally destroying every method I observed, heard, and thought of to take action. In reality, I was at 432.2 lbs and 37 years old; I was insane to believe that by sudden inspiration or my cynicism I would find a path victory. Finally, I gave up.

It was in the acknowledgment of my shortcomings and my reality, that I reached out for help. And help, as I am finding out, is a powerful thing! The help I am referring to is through many special people. Some help by their example, some by their focus, some through their expertise, and some through their undying support. Why didn't I ask for help sooner? I will attempt to explain.

I have always viewed asking for help as weakness. I preached a great game about not being too proud (or stupid) to ask for help, but I have always been focused on carrying my own weight (no pun intended). Whether I was at work, in sports, in school, or in life, I wanted to be strong and dependable, a leader, self-sufficient, and someone who inspired others. I never wanted to burden anyone. I wanted to be a self made man in every aspect of life. Yet, my pride was burdening everyone in my life with the thought that Brian is slowly killing himself through obesity. I was down 28 points in the second quarter and was telling everyone that we would pull this thing out no problem. They didn't buy it, neither did I. I realized, it was time to give up.

Now that I had given up; I could begin my fight. And once I committed to this fight the words of Jim Valvano began to echo in my head, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."

***Weekly Update*** I am excited to report that I have eliminated 4.6 lbs this week and weigh 401.2 lbs. That is a total of 31 lbs since I began making changes in my life. However, this has been a tough week as temptation has been everywhere. If you think of it, please say a prayer for my continued strength and focus on my health. Thank you!