As I began to see benefits from my work regarding my mindset and realized that a positive outlook was not too far out of reach, I started on another point or pillar of my wellness program- creating an infrastructure of support. As I took this step, I quickly realized that this was the hardest part of my process. How can I tell people what I am doing, when I don't know if I will succeed? Will I quit this process like all the other programs I've tried? Will I let myself down again? Will I let down those who support me? One thing is certain; if I don't bring people in, then I cannot succeed. But if I bring them in and fail, I fear that I will reach a new low; to fail myself is one thing, to fail them is another. I know they won't judge me, but if I lose this time I will intensify the judgment on myself.
Another obstacle was the question of "how do I want people to help?" Surely, I can't expect anyone to approach this with the same intensity and I don't want them to watch over me. I just need some support. I thought about this dilemma for a long time. It has been an issue that has created uncertainty amongst my friends and family. How can they help me?
At first, I didn't think anyone could help. I did not want to burden anyone with my problems. In some ways, I am an extremely private person, and my weight struggle is smack in the center of that privacy. At times I wondered, "Does anyone really care about this?" We all have so much going on, I don't want to burden my friends and family. However, they do care. They care more than I could ever imagine. Ultimately, I didn't know how their help should look, so I started slow, one step at a time.
First, I told Michele, my wonderful wife, that I was making this change. I told her about the program and what I intended to do. Needless to say, she was behind me and consistently has made sacrifices to make certain that I can get the help I need. She is the backbone of this operation and she has encouraged, tolerated, and supported every effort I have made to regain my life and fitness. Next, I told the two women who are cornerstones of my everyday life, Kris, who is one of my closest friends and a co-worker; and Mary who is my co-worker and guardian. Kris and I spend an inordinate amount of time together and eat at least one meal a day together. Outside of my wife, she has proven to be my MVP in many many ways. Mary is our building secretary and quite possibly a superhero. She guarded my door from allowing temptation to enter and derail my focus on nutrition and fitness. Mary and Kris would be pivotal in my early and continued success.
I asked Mary and Kris to help me by making sure no one brought tempting foods into my office to share. It wasn't because I wanted to be anti-social, but early in my fight I did not know what could or would trigger me to eat poorly, so I had to ban it all. Mary was especially effective at this, because she was at the point of attack, right outside of my office. She would banish pizzas, donuts, and cookie trays to the guidance office; everyone else knew it was there, but I was unaware of its presence due to her intervention. This was a tremendous help.
Kris kept a vigilant eye as well, but as our assistant principal, she was often out of the office, in the halls, in meetings, or in classrooms. In the midst of all of that, she was deeply invested in my cause. It took me about a month from the beginning of my journey to enlist her help, but her help was nothing short of powerful. Early in my fight, I sat in my office, engrossed in a parent meeting and I was missing a group lunch celebration, which was not unusual. Normally when I would miss something like this, someone would stop by after and tell me where the leftovers were and I would proceed to eat alone and too much due to being extremely hungry. However on this day, Kris was two steps ahead. As the parent left my office, I heard someone shout, "I'll tell him." and Kris immediately reply with "No. I got it." A minute or two later, she appeared with two plates of salad, fruit, and water. I can't say that I was excited, realizing that there was real food down the hall, but "I asked for this," I thought to myself.
First, let me say that the salad was very healthy and to my surprise it tasted amazing. Second, I went back for seconds and had no desire to have anything else. You may not be shocked, but I never had that feeling before about a salad. Kris and I had a healthy lunch together, talked work as usual, and went about the rest of our day. This moment was a catalyst for change. In the following days and weeks, Kris would bring in healthy lunches to share over and over again. This set me on a course to really look into my thoughts regarding nutrition and the foods I was eating. The foods she brought tasted amazing and were very healthy. She helped me get over some of the hardest temptations early on by showing me a different way to approach lunch. I began to think, "Help is good."
The next steps were out of necessity. Even though Kris and Mary were helping me and I had sworn them to secrecy, we needed to let others know that I was avoiding foods that were harmful. I expanded my circle of trust to include others at work and some of my closest friends, but I could not push it further. Let me rephrase this, I would not push it further. I feared the uncertain. If people knew about this would they feel guilty eating around me? I hope not, but it has happened before. If people knew about my efforts, would they still invite me to social events? I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or have to think too much about my problem. My biggest obstacle to letting more people in on the plan was the fear that if everyone knew what I was doing, then they would be watching. Guess what - they were watching anyway; but before they were watching me self-destruct. Everyone needd to know about my plan, so I could have a greater accountability in what I was doing. I needed to be out of the proverbial dieting closet - exposed as someone who has made a commitment to getting healthy and fit.
In the coming weeks and months, I took one step after the other: telling my parents, telling more friends, telling several co-workers, and everyone who brought me sweets at work. However, I still felt as though I was holding back. This brings me to the magic of Facebook. At the time, I had just joined Facebook and was really enjoying connecting with old friends and classmates from my hometown. They knew me when I was rockin the speedo at the Poland Swim Club and when I fronted the one night only performance of Heavy B and the Leddicks. It was almost as if I was remembering myself as I reconnected with old friends. A flood of positive memories came back to me as I found more and more people who I had lost touch with over the years. It was this social networking tool and the inspiration of one of the most courageous individuals I know that pushed me to do more and go further.
For two years, I have been mocking my friend Brent and his Wentworth Chronicles blog and Mike McD and his technology addiction. On February 25, 2010, Brent posted a blog titled, "Courage" it was about Mike and his upcoming surgery to amputate his right leg below the knee. I actually read it and was inspired by his words about Mike. A little over a month later, Mike started his own blog about his life change and how excited he was about it. I was again inspired. If Mike could talk about this and face this with so much hope and courage, I could do it too. It was my friends who made me realize the power of the internet for inspiration, support, and accountability. A day after Mike posted his first blog, I posted the beginning of my story. I linked it to Facebook and announced it to the world of almost all who know me. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I led off with a post that would prove to help others help me, it was titled, "How Can I Help."
I feared many things about posting my story. I feared that I would be bothering people with my texts about the link or Facebook updates. I didn't want to do it for attention and worried about that perception. I just wanted to gain the accountability of knowing that everyone was aware of my struggle and my mission, but instead something incredible happened. Many friends joined me in the fight. The words of encouragement, support, and information has helped me gain strength and impacted me deeply. I have considered it a blessing and have taken to heart each comment, knowing that you are behind me. I thank you all very much.
Through all of this, one territory remained. Tthere was one last place to hide - work. Yes, some people knew what I was doing at work, but not many. When you are in a leadership position of any kind, being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do. You often need to be tough, focused, and strong. However, I needed to let everyone in on my struggle and my focus. Finally, in the middle of April, I told our staff what I had been going through and that I vowed to make a change in my life. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. In the end, they responded with understanding and support. I am lucky to work with a great group of people.
I had all the major players on board, there was no choice but to refuse to lose. This support network has been a true inspiration and motivator. I consistently say to myself, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** This Saturday, I weighed in at 390.2 lbs, which is an elimination of 2.2 lbs for the week and a total of 42 lbs overall. I am happy to have passed the 40 lb marker, but I am focused on reaching my 10% reduction goal. I have had to keep my focus on fitness and nutrition over numbers. I continually stress to myself that it is not about the numbers, but about how I feel. Thanks again for all of your support. Have a great week!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley
The realization of my negative state of mind, produced shocking and scary thoughts. I firmly believe that if we believe we will fail - we will. If we allow negativity to permeate our thinking the proverbial dark cloud will follow us and make it nearly impossible for us to overcome great obstacles. I cannot succumb to the sense of "woe is me". I must turn this thought process around. If I can't turn this around internally, it's over before it begins. So the question arises: How do I turn my self-defeating mentality into quiet confidence and belief that I can do this, I can get healthy and fit? I knew that this whole process would be tough, but suddenly I realized that I was fighting for more than just my health, but for myself. The application of the anonymous quote, "anything worth having is worth fighting for" applies here. It is my turn to answer the bell and fight for my mentality and all that I believed I was and wanted to be in life. I thought that I had to get out of my comfort zone, my box, and listen to another perspective. Without regard to how touchy feely, weird, or ridiculous I felt it was, I began to follow the advice of my counselor.
First, I began to attend Weight Watcher (WW) meetings every Saturday morning. I never went to the actual meeting, but I had been back and forth to that same group so much over the past four years, they knew me by name, and I had developed a rapport with two of the ladies who took the weekly weigh-ins. I found myself getting personal attention and advice from them. They cheered my successes and gave me encouragement when I fell. They were always positive no matter what I had done that week. If I had gained, they would often share tips and stories of when they had a hard time and how they kept with it. If I had lost, no matter how little, they would celebrate with me. To this day, I have not gone to a single WW meeting; I simply weigh-in and leave, but that interaction is all I need.
The second piece of advice that I took was to begin saying two daily affirmations. Does anyone remember Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live? Al Franken played a strangely positive, yet bizarre self-help guru on this segment who seemed addicted to his affirmations. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me." was his favorite saying and he did so in a way to mock the whole self-help culture. This is a hilarious segment and something that I have done an impression of for years. However, I couldn't get past that image. Seriously, I'm going to look at myself and whisper sweet nothings into my own ear? I must be seriously cracked! Wait a minute. We do this all the time. I began to realize that this is just the act of making sure your self-talk isn't always negative. How many times have you looked in the mirror and said, I look awful. I am too fat. Or thought to yourself, this is too much. I can't do this. I can't..., won't..., am ... Our lives are filled with daily affirmations or destructive comments. A daily affirmation is simply taking the time to say something positive to yourself. It doesn't have to be hokey or even something you believe whole-heartedly, but it has to be something that you say that is positive to offset the destructive nature of your negative comments to yourself.
What if you don't believe it? This was my question when told this was something I needed to do. "It doesn't matter. You will eventually," was the response. This reminded me of something I heard years ago regarding politics and political viewpoints. I often wondered why politicians said outrageously polarizing and fear mongering comments when dealing with issues, so I asked about it in one of my classes at Youngstown State University. The response by my professor was that if you say it long enough and strong enough, people will believe it. It made total sense and it does again now. If you say it long enough and strong enough to yourself - you will believe it. That is how I became negative, that is how I will began to think differently about myself, and that is how I will begin to climb out of this hole. Now, I take a moment every day to look in the mirror and say two positive things to myself. They are too personal to share via internet, but I can attest that I am benefiting from a more positive mindset.
The next step was to incorporate an aspect of spirituality into my fight. As I drive to work everyday, I spend time in prayer. In doing so, I always ask God to help me stay focused on my health and fitness. I ask for the strength and focus to do what is right for my nutrition and family's health. This is important for two reasons. I say it as one of the first things I ask for because it helps me focus on these concepts and it allows me to realize that in order to take care of others, I must take care of myself. The second, but significantly more important concept is that I am asking for the power of God to intervene and to help me win this fight. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
No successful mission to gain self-confidence and positive self-speak is without a moment of great grace or success. My moment came in January on a rainy and cold night. I was working at the school, which is 35 minutes from home, and I was obsessing about a craving. This craving had haunted me all week long and was getting ready to erupt like a volcano. I had resisted the temptation to stop at this particular fast food place on the way to work, but it was about 7 o'clock and I was now starving for dinner. As I drove home, the battle raged within my head. I not only lost the battle, but went way overboard. I ordered way too much of this sandwich and did so without conscience. I didn't care at the moment. I just wanted to give in to this temptation. No thought of long-term impact or consequences were in my mind, just sweet relief from the obsession. As I was gorging in the parking lot on this food, I came to a realization. I can't really taste this. I was eating it so fast that the taste I was desiring was non-existent. So I slowed down. As I began to taste this food, I began to think, "this doesn't taste as good as I thought it would. I can't believe I am craving this." I heard myself say the words, "After this, I am done with fast food." Just like that, I finished the last of the items, threw the trash away and drove out of that parking lot. I have not eaten any fast food since. I have had my cravings, but resisted based on those feelings and experience of that night. I needed this in the worst way. This one success gave me a platform to rebuild my confidence in myself. Everyone needs a little success, I think that I found it and held on so dearly that it became a bigger impact than what it had been initially.
As I reported my success to my counselor and explained the events of that night, she asked me to read a book, "Addiction and Grace" by May. This book began to open my eyes further to the fight I was facing. She began to talk to me about my problem being an addiction, and as I read this book I observed some striking similarities. I do not believe that I am dealing with anything that resembles the grim realities of drug addiction, but in viewing my struggle in this light, I started to understand how to facilitate my plan in a greater, more specific way. I know more than ever that this was a struggle not just for me, but for all those who care about me. I continued to say to myself, "don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** As of yesterday morning, Saturday, May 21, 2010, I weighed in at 392.4 llbs. This marks an 2.8 lb elimination from the previous week and a 39.8 lb elimination overall. I am approximately 4 lbs away from meeting my 10% reduction in body weight. I am feeling great and have a great group of people in my life to thank for it! Have a great week!
First, I began to attend Weight Watcher (WW) meetings every Saturday morning. I never went to the actual meeting, but I had been back and forth to that same group so much over the past four years, they knew me by name, and I had developed a rapport with two of the ladies who took the weekly weigh-ins. I found myself getting personal attention and advice from them. They cheered my successes and gave me encouragement when I fell. They were always positive no matter what I had done that week. If I had gained, they would often share tips and stories of when they had a hard time and how they kept with it. If I had lost, no matter how little, they would celebrate with me. To this day, I have not gone to a single WW meeting; I simply weigh-in and leave, but that interaction is all I need.
The second piece of advice that I took was to begin saying two daily affirmations. Does anyone remember Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live? Al Franken played a strangely positive, yet bizarre self-help guru on this segment who seemed addicted to his affirmations. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me." was his favorite saying and he did so in a way to mock the whole self-help culture. This is a hilarious segment and something that I have done an impression of for years. However, I couldn't get past that image. Seriously, I'm going to look at myself and whisper sweet nothings into my own ear? I must be seriously cracked! Wait a minute. We do this all the time. I began to realize that this is just the act of making sure your self-talk isn't always negative. How many times have you looked in the mirror and said, I look awful. I am too fat. Or thought to yourself, this is too much. I can't do this. I can't..., won't..., am ... Our lives are filled with daily affirmations or destructive comments. A daily affirmation is simply taking the time to say something positive to yourself. It doesn't have to be hokey or even something you believe whole-heartedly, but it has to be something that you say that is positive to offset the destructive nature of your negative comments to yourself.
What if you don't believe it? This was my question when told this was something I needed to do. "It doesn't matter. You will eventually," was the response. This reminded me of something I heard years ago regarding politics and political viewpoints. I often wondered why politicians said outrageously polarizing and fear mongering comments when dealing with issues, so I asked about it in one of my classes at Youngstown State University. The response by my professor was that if you say it long enough and strong enough, people will believe it. It made total sense and it does again now. If you say it long enough and strong enough to yourself - you will believe it. That is how I became negative, that is how I will began to think differently about myself, and that is how I will begin to climb out of this hole. Now, I take a moment every day to look in the mirror and say two positive things to myself. They are too personal to share via internet, but I can attest that I am benefiting from a more positive mindset.
The next step was to incorporate an aspect of spirituality into my fight. As I drive to work everyday, I spend time in prayer. In doing so, I always ask God to help me stay focused on my health and fitness. I ask for the strength and focus to do what is right for my nutrition and family's health. This is important for two reasons. I say it as one of the first things I ask for because it helps me focus on these concepts and it allows me to realize that in order to take care of others, I must take care of myself. The second, but significantly more important concept is that I am asking for the power of God to intervene and to help me win this fight. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
No successful mission to gain self-confidence and positive self-speak is without a moment of great grace or success. My moment came in January on a rainy and cold night. I was working at the school, which is 35 minutes from home, and I was obsessing about a craving. This craving had haunted me all week long and was getting ready to erupt like a volcano. I had resisted the temptation to stop at this particular fast food place on the way to work, but it was about 7 o'clock and I was now starving for dinner. As I drove home, the battle raged within my head. I not only lost the battle, but went way overboard. I ordered way too much of this sandwich and did so without conscience. I didn't care at the moment. I just wanted to give in to this temptation. No thought of long-term impact or consequences were in my mind, just sweet relief from the obsession. As I was gorging in the parking lot on this food, I came to a realization. I can't really taste this. I was eating it so fast that the taste I was desiring was non-existent. So I slowed down. As I began to taste this food, I began to think, "this doesn't taste as good as I thought it would. I can't believe I am craving this." I heard myself say the words, "After this, I am done with fast food." Just like that, I finished the last of the items, threw the trash away and drove out of that parking lot. I have not eaten any fast food since. I have had my cravings, but resisted based on those feelings and experience of that night. I needed this in the worst way. This one success gave me a platform to rebuild my confidence in myself. Everyone needs a little success, I think that I found it and held on so dearly that it became a bigger impact than what it had been initially.
As I reported my success to my counselor and explained the events of that night, she asked me to read a book, "Addiction and Grace" by May. This book began to open my eyes further to the fight I was facing. She began to talk to me about my problem being an addiction, and as I read this book I observed some striking similarities. I do not believe that I am dealing with anything that resembles the grim realities of drug addiction, but in viewing my struggle in this light, I started to understand how to facilitate my plan in a greater, more specific way. I know more than ever that this was a struggle not just for me, but for all those who care about me. I continued to say to myself, "don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** As of yesterday morning, Saturday, May 21, 2010, I weighed in at 392.4 llbs. This marks an 2.8 lb elimination from the previous week and a 39.8 lb elimination overall. I am approximately 4 lbs away from meeting my 10% reduction in body weight. I am feeling great and have a great group of people in my life to thank for it! Have a great week!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Force From Within
I found that going to counseling was a great experience and the right way to jump start my program. During my sessions, I realized that a force from within was sabotaging me and was pushing me down a path of self-destruction. This force was my thought process, self-talk and self-image. This realization came as I was given suggestion after suggestion by my counselor as to how I could help improve my situation. As I heard myself explaining time after time, why things wouldn't work, why I couldn't lose weight, and why every suggestion was impossible for me to attempt; a freight train hit me. When did I become so negative? When did I focus on what couldn't be done? How have I strayed so far from the quotes that I hold dear and have driven me to succeed in life?
I enjoy finding inspiration, motivation, and encouragement through quotes. A select few have been the fueled me throughout my life. They have guided me through tough times and many challenges. They are the foundational phrases of how I approach a challenge. Below you will find the quotes that inspire me to succeed.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13
"Some men see things as they are and ask why? I dream things that never were and ask why not?”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The only thing we can do is play the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
- Charles Swindoll
"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."
- Vince Lombardi
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
- Jim Valvano
“Was it over when the Germans bombedPearl Harbor ?”
- Bluto (from Animal House) aka. John Belushi
I cannot find in any of these quotes any sense of self-defeat, self-pity, or negativity. Yet these concepts had infiltrated my thinking. My view of myself had changed so drastically because of my weight and my outward appearance that I could not say anything positive about myself to myself. On the outside, I tried to stay confident and brash, but on the inside, I was filled with doubt and self-disgust. What made matters worse, is that this thinking began to change who I was; it was attacking me from within. Before, I could change my nutrition and fitness levels, I had to change my thinking. The battle of negativity had to be fought and won.
During my first few sessions with my doctor, I consistently resisted ideas, strategies, and any nutritional advice. I felt that she was no guru and didn’t know anything about the subject. I kept thinking that she didn’t understand and the stuff she would say to do was so clichéd. Over the course of our first three sessions, basic concepts kept arising. In summary, she told me to stay away from high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), say a couple of daily affirmations, read a book (Addiction and Grace), go to Weight Watchers, and put myself first. My responses were simple, "not possible HFCS is in everything, that is ridiculous and too touchy feely for me, I don't have time, I hate those meetings because its only geared towards women and they talk about food the entire meeting, and I would love to, but I don't have time to worry about me." Yes, I actually said these things to her. As I consistently made these statements, she finally said to me, “do you really want my help?” I replied with a quick yes. Then she said, “I am the doctor, you are the patient. You need to do what I am telling you or this is a waste of our time.” Normally, I would fire back something mean and witty to let her know that I am in charge, but instead I took it and responded with a simple, “I’ll try. No, I will.”
I don’t know if she could decipher what I was really going on in my head, but I was protecting myself. If she had a code book to what I was saying, she would hear: I don't know if I can give up the foods that are staples in my life. I feel silly and weird saying a daily affirmation. What if I don't believe it? I would rather watch TV than read a book. I don't want to go, because in the past I struggled with getting connected and didn't find the help that I needed at Weight Watcher meetings, more often I found temptation. Plus, I don't want to get up early on Saturday to weigh in. Finally, I don't know how to put myself first. Will that make me seem arrogant or indifferent? I want to pull my own weight and make a difference in the lives of others. You can’t do that and put yourself first – can you?
Yet these statements did not come out. What came out was a stream of I can't, I'll try, that's not for me, I don't have time, that won't work because, and many more versions of negative thoughts. I came into the process saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to get healthy, because I want to be here for my children." However, that thinking was quickly choked out by negative, self-defeating, self-pitying, excuse ridden and destructive self-talk. I needed that verbal slap as a way to wake up and realize that I was mentally defeating myself.
How can anyone change if the enemy is inside of them? I had to give up some comfort and take things one step at a time. I began to take her advice and do things step by step. I wasn’t going to make a wholesale short-term change. I wanted this change to be real and lasting. In order for that to happen, I had to stay with it. I must refuse to give in. I won’t give up. I won’t ever give up.
***Weekly Update*** After another difficult week to stay on track, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read 395.2 on the scale yesterday morning. This is a 3.0 lb elimination from last week and an overall weight loss of 37 lbs to date. I am so thankful for all the encouraging words and posts. You guys have helped keep me going, THANK YOU!!!
I enjoy finding inspiration, motivation, and encouragement through quotes. A select few have been the fueled me throughout my life. They have guided me through tough times and many challenges. They are the foundational phrases of how I approach a challenge. Below you will find the quotes that inspire me to succeed.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13
"Some men see things as they are and ask why? I dream things that never were and ask why not?”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The only thing we can do is play the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
- Charles Swindoll
"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."
- Vince Lombardi
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
- Jim Valvano
“Was it over when the Germans bombed
- Bluto (from Animal House) aka. John Belushi
I cannot find in any of these quotes any sense of self-defeat, self-pity, or negativity. Yet these concepts had infiltrated my thinking. My view of myself had changed so drastically because of my weight and my outward appearance that I could not say anything positive about myself to myself. On the outside, I tried to stay confident and brash, but on the inside, I was filled with doubt and self-disgust. What made matters worse, is that this thinking began to change who I was; it was attacking me from within. Before, I could change my nutrition and fitness levels, I had to change my thinking. The battle of negativity had to be fought and won.
During my first few sessions with my doctor, I consistently resisted ideas, strategies, and any nutritional advice. I felt that she was no guru and didn’t know anything about the subject. I kept thinking that she didn’t understand and the stuff she would say to do was so clichéd. Over the course of our first three sessions, basic concepts kept arising. In summary, she told me to stay away from high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), say a couple of daily affirmations, read a book (Addiction and Grace), go to Weight Watchers, and put myself first. My responses were simple, "not possible HFCS is in everything, that is ridiculous and too touchy feely for me, I don't have time, I hate those meetings because its only geared towards women and they talk about food the entire meeting, and I would love to, but I don't have time to worry about me." Yes, I actually said these things to her. As I consistently made these statements, she finally said to me, “do you really want my help?” I replied with a quick yes. Then she said, “I am the doctor, you are the patient. You need to do what I am telling you or this is a waste of our time.” Normally, I would fire back something mean and witty to let her know that I am in charge, but instead I took it and responded with a simple, “I’ll try. No, I will.”
I don’t know if she could decipher what I was really going on in my head, but I was protecting myself. If she had a code book to what I was saying, she would hear: I don't know if I can give up the foods that are staples in my life. I feel silly and weird saying a daily affirmation. What if I don't believe it? I would rather watch TV than read a book. I don't want to go, because in the past I struggled with getting connected and didn't find the help that I needed at Weight Watcher meetings, more often I found temptation. Plus, I don't want to get up early on Saturday to weigh in. Finally, I don't know how to put myself first. Will that make me seem arrogant or indifferent? I want to pull my own weight and make a difference in the lives of others. You can’t do that and put yourself first – can you?
Yet these statements did not come out. What came out was a stream of I can't, I'll try, that's not for me, I don't have time, that won't work because, and many more versions of negative thoughts. I came into the process saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to get healthy, because I want to be here for my children." However, that thinking was quickly choked out by negative, self-defeating, self-pitying, excuse ridden and destructive self-talk. I needed that verbal slap as a way to wake up and realize that I was mentally defeating myself.
How can anyone change if the enemy is inside of them? I had to give up some comfort and take things one step at a time. I began to take her advice and do things step by step. I wasn’t going to make a wholesale short-term change. I wanted this change to be real and lasting. In order for that to happen, I had to stay with it. I must refuse to give in. I won’t give up. I won’t ever give up.
***Weekly Update*** After another difficult week to stay on track, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read 395.2 on the scale yesterday morning. This is a 3.0 lb elimination from last week and an overall weight loss of 37 lbs to date. I am so thankful for all the encouraging words and posts. You guys have helped keep me going, THANK YOU!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Analyze This Part 2
So there I was staring down the notion that surgery was the only way out, realizing that it wasn't for me. I began to feel overwhelmed. I was bombarded with feelings of hopelessness and well-wishing for future miracles of modern medicine to take a way this burden. The thoughts of a magic pill to make this all happen flew around in my head as I contemplated my next steps. I began to doubt the validity of my plan. I began to doubt me, again. Who do I think I am? Come on do you really think you can create a plan that works when you failed on so many others? These doubts led to "woe is me wonder" where I was interrogating myself to understand why I couldn't just say no to food. As some folks know, I love to ask the big questions and I like to look behind actions to determine why people do what they do. So, I continued my internal quest of asking myself why I do what I do. However, I couldn't grasp it. I could not figure out why I was destroying myself with food. I couldn't answer the hundreds of questions I posed to myself. I needed to gain some insight and then deal with the root causes of my food and weight issues. If I can't do it, then I know who can help me. I needed to drop the pride and do something that I feared. I made an appointment to see a psychologist.
The process of finding a psychologist who could help me with my situation was extraordinarily difficult. People didn't know how to respond when I said that I was looking for someone to help me understand why I felt an obsession or controlled by food. They sort of avoided the topic and wanted to put me into a box that they could define. Here is a summary of multiple initial conversations with schedulers:
"Are you bulemic?"
"No."
"Are you anorexic?"
"No... I am looking for someone to help me find my patterns, triggers, and underlying causes as to why I go to food for comfort and happiness; boredom and activity; rain or shine."
"Oh, I'm not sure that we do that."
"What the hell!?" crossed my mind several times during these calls. America is dying from obesity and no one can help me figure out my behavioral patterns that lead to obesity.
I began to think that these people did not realize how difficult it is for someone to call for counseling. This isn't like going to the doctor for a checkup or illness (although, I have to be forced to do that at times). A psychologist is out of the norm for many people. The images that this foreign process conjures up in our heads scare even the strongest and most secure person. It makes us deal with our lack of control and in many ways, it feels creepy to divulge personal information to someone who does not know us and may be judging us.
Add into this equation my background. I reference the tough mentality of Youngstown, OH as a strength as to who I am; however in this piece of my plan it was a hindrance. I felt that going to a psychologist would represent great weakness. Am I displaying a lack of mental toughness? Can't I just get over this on my own? A Youngstown therapy session would be your parents, friends, or a coach/mentor chewing you out and telling you to suck it up and work your way out of it. Get tough! Quit being a wimp! Suck it up! (If you are from Youngstown you are either nodding your head or chuckling thinking of an example in your past). I heard these phrases in my head over and over. This mentality has provided me great strength in this process and has put me smack dab where I am today; but to see a counselor with this in your belief system - extremely difficult.
Even with the ghosts of Youngstown trying to psych me up to think I can do this on my own, I continued to call other counselors. After making far too many calls to locate help, I found two people who would take my appointment. One appointment I kept and the other I didn't. Why did I go to one and not the other? The initial appointment was so difficult for me to attend and go through that I couldn't put myself through that process again. The first person I met with became my counselor by default- not by fit.
I took this step as a means to address two of my points or pillars of my plan. If I could gain insight into the reasons why I am self-destructing, then I would have a solid grasp on the behavioral and mental points to my plan. However, I found so much more than a clinical view. Jumping over this hurdle and through going to counseling, I found the person that I could be, and the beginning of the way to get him back. I was gaining strength through action and didn't realize it. Overall, I was still struggling, but I realized that my spirit was telling me, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** After stumbling mid-week, I have experienced another elimination of .8 lbs. This brings my overall total to 34 lbs eliminated. I now weigh 398.2 lbs. Losing .8 lbs is a bit of a mental discouragement, but I must stay focused on how I am feeling and the realization that this is a journey for health. Sometimes, I lose sight and get sucked into believing that this is a numbers game, but it truly is not. The numbers motivate me and help me to experience success, but the numbers will come as I make the changes to create a better life. Ultimately, I didn't put this on in a day and I won't take it off in a day. I continue to approach this one step at a time. I refuse to focus on an end goal (in fact I haven't even set it), because it can be discouraging and daunting to think of this as a big process or a big task. Instead, I am refusing to look past my next goal of a 10% reduction in body weight (388.8 lbs). It is then and only then, when I will decide on my next benchmark goal.
The process of finding a psychologist who could help me with my situation was extraordinarily difficult. People didn't know how to respond when I said that I was looking for someone to help me understand why I felt an obsession or controlled by food. They sort of avoided the topic and wanted to put me into a box that they could define. Here is a summary of multiple initial conversations with schedulers:
"Are you bulemic?"
"No."
"Are you anorexic?"
"No... I am looking for someone to help me find my patterns, triggers, and underlying causes as to why I go to food for comfort and happiness; boredom and activity; rain or shine."
"Oh, I'm not sure that we do that."
"What the hell!?" crossed my mind several times during these calls. America is dying from obesity and no one can help me figure out my behavioral patterns that lead to obesity.
I began to think that these people did not realize how difficult it is for someone to call for counseling. This isn't like going to the doctor for a checkup or illness (although, I have to be forced to do that at times). A psychologist is out of the norm for many people. The images that this foreign process conjures up in our heads scare even the strongest and most secure person. It makes us deal with our lack of control and in many ways, it feels creepy to divulge personal information to someone who does not know us and may be judging us.
Add into this equation my background. I reference the tough mentality of Youngstown, OH as a strength as to who I am; however in this piece of my plan it was a hindrance. I felt that going to a psychologist would represent great weakness. Am I displaying a lack of mental toughness? Can't I just get over this on my own? A Youngstown therapy session would be your parents, friends, or a coach/mentor chewing you out and telling you to suck it up and work your way out of it. Get tough! Quit being a wimp! Suck it up! (If you are from Youngstown you are either nodding your head or chuckling thinking of an example in your past). I heard these phrases in my head over and over. This mentality has provided me great strength in this process and has put me smack dab where I am today; but to see a counselor with this in your belief system - extremely difficult.
Even with the ghosts of Youngstown trying to psych me up to think I can do this on my own, I continued to call other counselors. After making far too many calls to locate help, I found two people who would take my appointment. One appointment I kept and the other I didn't. Why did I go to one and not the other? The initial appointment was so difficult for me to attend and go through that I couldn't put myself through that process again. The first person I met with became my counselor by default- not by fit.
I took this step as a means to address two of my points or pillars of my plan. If I could gain insight into the reasons why I am self-destructing, then I would have a solid grasp on the behavioral and mental points to my plan. However, I found so much more than a clinical view. Jumping over this hurdle and through going to counseling, I found the person that I could be, and the beginning of the way to get him back. I was gaining strength through action and didn't realize it. Overall, I was still struggling, but I realized that my spirit was telling me, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** After stumbling mid-week, I have experienced another elimination of .8 lbs. This brings my overall total to 34 lbs eliminated. I now weigh 398.2 lbs. Losing .8 lbs is a bit of a mental discouragement, but I must stay focused on how I am feeling and the realization that this is a journey for health. Sometimes, I lose sight and get sucked into believing that this is a numbers game, but it truly is not. The numbers motivate me and help me to experience success, but the numbers will come as I make the changes to create a better life. Ultimately, I didn't put this on in a day and I won't take it off in a day. I continue to approach this one step at a time. I refuse to focus on an end goal (in fact I haven't even set it), because it can be discouraging and daunting to think of this as a big process or a big task. Instead, I am refusing to look past my next goal of a 10% reduction in body weight (388.8 lbs). It is then and only then, when I will decide on my next benchmark goal.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Analyze This Part 1
Now that I had my plan and I surrendered myself to making and being open to change, I began my first steps to a new life. As I looked at my plan, it inspired me, but it also seemed huge. How could I ever accomplish this? How should these 7 points look in practice? How can I change?
***Weekly Update*** As of this post, I have weighed in at 399.0 lbs. This is a 2.2 lb elimination from last week and at total elimination of 33.2 lbs since I began my journey. I can't believe that I am happy to be in the 300s, but I will take it for now.
This takes me to my first benchmark goal of getting under 400 lbs! My second goal is to get to 389.0 lbs, which will mark the loss of slightly more than 10% of my starting body weight. Thanks for all the kind words and prayers. It definitely paid off this week as I struggled to stay focused and really felt the enormity of this process.
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