A Force From Within

I found that going to counseling was a great experience and the right way to jump start my program.  During my sessions, I realized that a force from within was sabotaging me and was pushing me down a path of self-destruction.  This force was my thought process, self-talk and self-image.  This realization came as I was given suggestion after suggestion by my counselor as to how I could help improve my situation.  As I heard myself explaining time after time, why things wouldn't work, why I couldn't lose weight, and why every suggestion was impossible for me to attempt; a freight train hit me.  When did I become so negative?  When did I focus on what couldn't be done?  How have I strayed so far from the quotes that I hold dear and have driven me to succeed in life?

I enjoy finding inspiration, motivation, and encouragement through quotes.  A select few have been the fueled me throughout my life.  They have guided me through tough times and many challenges.  They are the foundational phrases of how I approach a challenge.  Below you will find the quotes that inspire me to succeed.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13

"Some men see things as they are and ask why?  I dream things that never were and ask why not?”
 - George Bernard Shaw

"The only thing we can do is play the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
- Charles Swindoll

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."
- Vince Lombardi

"Don't give up.  Don't ever give up."
- Jim Valvano

“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?”
- Bluto (from Animal House) aka. John Belushi

I cannot find in any of these quotes any sense of self-defeat, self-pity, or negativity.  Yet these concepts had infiltrated my thinking.  My view of myself had changed so drastically because of my weight and my outward appearance that I could not say anything positive about myself to myself.  On the outside, I tried to stay confident and brash, but on the inside, I was filled with doubt and self-disgust.  What made matters worse, is that this thinking began to change who I was; it was attacking me from within.  Before, I could change my nutrition and fitness levels, I had to change my thinking.  The battle of negativity had to be fought and won.

During my first few sessions with my doctor, I consistently resisted ideas, strategies, and any nutritional advice.  I felt that she was no guru and didn’t know anything about the subject.  I kept thinking that she didn’t understand and the stuff she would say to do was so clichéd.  Over the course of our first three sessions, basic concepts kept arising.  In summary, she told me to stay away from high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), say a couple of daily affirmations, read a book (Addiction and Grace), go to Weight Watchers, and put myself first.  My responses were simple, "not possible HFCS is in everything, that is ridiculous and too touchy feely for me, I don't have time, I hate those meetings because its only geared towards women and they talk about food the entire meeting, and I would love to, but I don't have time to worry about me."  Yes, I actually said these things to her.  As I consistently made these statements, she finally said to me, “do you really want my help?”  I replied with a quick yes.  Then she said, “I am the doctor, you are the patient.  You need to do what I am telling you or this is a waste of our time.”  Normally, I would fire back something mean and witty to let her know that I am in charge, but instead I took it and responded with a simple, “I’ll try.  No, I will.”

I don’t know if she could decipher what I was really going on in my head, but I was protecting myself.  If she had a code book to what I was saying, she would hear: I don't know if I can give up the foods that are staples in my life.  I feel silly and weird saying a daily affirmation.  What if I don't believe it?  I would rather watch TV than read a book.  I don't want to go, because in the past I struggled with getting connected and didn't find the help that I needed at Weight Watcher meetings, more often I found temptation.  Plus, I don't want to get up early on Saturday to weigh in.  Finally, I don't know how to put myself first.  Will that make me seem arrogant or indifferent?  I want to pull my own weight and make a difference in the lives of others.  You can’t do that and put yourself first – can you?

Yet these statements did not come out.  What came out was a stream of  I can't, I'll try, that's not for me, I don't have time, that won't work because, and many more versions of negative thoughts.  I came into the process saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to get healthy, because I want to be here for my children."  However, that thinking was quickly choked out by negative, self-defeating, self-pitying, excuse ridden and destructive self-talk.  I needed that verbal slap as a way to wake up and realize that I was mentally defeating myself.

How can anyone change if the enemy is inside of them?  I had to give up some comfort and take things one step at a time.  I began to take her advice and do things step by step.  I wasn’t going to make a wholesale short-term change.  I wanted this change to be real and lasting.  In order for that to happen, I had to stay with it.  I must refuse to give in.  I won’t give up.  I won’t ever give up.

***Weekly Update*** After another difficult week to stay on track, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read 395.2 on the scale yesterday morning.  This is a 3.0 lb elimination from last week and an overall weight loss of 37 lbs to date.  I am so thankful for all the encouraging words and posts.  You guys have helped keep me going, THANK YOU!!!