A Little Help From My Friends

As I began to see benefits from my work regarding my mindset and realized that a positive outlook was not too far out of reach, I started on another point or pillar of my wellness program- creating an infrastructure of support.  As I took this step, I quickly realized that this was the hardest part of my process.  How can I tell people what I am doing, when I don't know if I will succeed?  Will I quit this process like all the other programs I've tried?  Will I let myself down again?  Will I let down those who support me?  One thing is certain; if I don't bring people in, then I cannot succeed.  But if I bring them in and fail, I fear that I will reach a new low; to fail myself is one thing, to fail them is another.  I know they won't judge me, but if I lose this time I will intensify the judgment on myself.

Another obstacle was the question of  "how do I want people to help?"  Surely, I can't expect anyone to approach this with the same intensity and I don't want them to watch over me.  I just need some support.  I thought about this dilemma for a long time.  It has been an issue that has created uncertainty amongst my friends and family.  How can they help me?

At first, I didn't think anyone could help.  I did not want to burden anyone with my problems.  In some ways, I am an extremely private person, and my weight struggle is smack in the center of that privacy.  At times I wondered, "Does anyone really care about this?"  We all have so much going on, I don't want to burden my friends and family.  However, they do care.  They care more than I could ever imagine.  Ultimately, I didn't know how their help should look, so I started slow, one step at a time.

First, I told Michele, my wonderful wife, that I was making this change.  I told her about the program and what I intended to do.  Needless to say, she was behind me and consistently has made sacrifices to make certain that I can get the help I need.  She is the backbone of this operation and she has encouraged, tolerated, and supported every effort I have made to regain my life and fitness.  Next, I told the two women who are cornerstones of my everyday life, Kris, who is one of my closest friends and a co-worker; and Mary who is my co-worker and guardian.  Kris and I spend an inordinate amount of time together and eat at least one meal a day together. Outside of my wife, she has proven to be my MVP in many many ways.  Mary is our building secretary and quite possibly a superhero.  She guarded my door from allowing temptation to enter and derail my focus on nutrition and fitness.  Mary and Kris would be pivotal in my early and continued success.

I asked Mary and Kris to help me by making sure no one brought tempting foods into my office to share.  It wasn't because I wanted to be anti-social, but early in my fight I did not know what could or would trigger me to eat poorly, so I had to ban it all.  Mary was especially effective at this, because she was at the point of attack, right outside of my office.  She would banish pizzas, donuts, and cookie trays to the guidance office; everyone else knew it was there, but I was unaware of  its presence due to her intervention.  This was a tremendous help.

Kris kept a vigilant eye as well, but as our assistant principal, she was often out of the office, in the halls, in meetings, or in classrooms.  In the midst of all of that, she was deeply invested in my cause.  It took me about a month from the beginning of my journey to enlist her help, but her help was nothing short of powerful.  Early in my fight, I sat in my office, engrossed in a parent meeting and I was missing a group lunch celebration, which was not unusual.  Normally when I would miss something like this, someone would stop by after and tell me where the leftovers were and I would proceed to eat alone and too much due to being extremely hungry.  However on this day, Kris was two steps ahead.  As the parent left my office, I heard someone shout, "I'll tell him." and Kris immediately reply with "No. I got it."  A minute or two later, she appeared with two plates of salad, fruit, and water.  I can't say that I was excited, realizing that there was real food down the hall, but "I asked for this," I thought to myself. 

First, let me say that the salad was very healthy and to my surprise it tasted amazing.  Second, I went back for seconds and had no desire to have anything else.  You may not be shocked, but I never had that feeling before about a salad.  Kris and I had a healthy lunch together, talked work as usual, and went about the rest of our day.  This moment was a catalyst for change.  In the following days and weeks, Kris would bring in healthy lunches to share over and over again.  This set me on a course to really look into my thoughts regarding nutrition and the foods I was eating.  The foods she brought tasted amazing and were very healthy.  She helped me get over some of the hardest temptations early on by showing me a different way to approach lunch.  I began to think, "Help is good."

The next steps were out of necessity.  Even though Kris and Mary were helping me and I had sworn them to secrecy, we needed to let others know that I was avoiding foods that were harmful.  I expanded my circle of trust to include others at work and some of my closest friends, but I could not push it further.  Let me rephrase this, I would not push it further.  I feared the uncertain.  If people knew about this would they feel guilty eating around me?  I hope not, but it has happened before.  If people knew about my efforts, would they still invite me to social events?  I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or have to think too much about my problem.  My biggest obstacle to letting more people in on the plan was the fear that if everyone knew what I was doing, then they would be watching.  Guess what - they were watching anyway; but before they were watching me self-destruct.  Everyone needd to know about my plan, so I could have a greater accountability in what I was doing.  I needed to be out of the proverbial dieting closet - exposed as someone who has made a commitment to getting healthy and fit.

In the coming weeks and months, I took one step after the other: telling my parents, telling more friends, telling several co-workers, and everyone who brought me sweets at work.  However, I still felt as though I was holding back.  This brings me to the magic of Facebook.  At the time, I had just joined Facebook and was really enjoying connecting with old friends and classmates from my hometown.  They knew me when I was rockin the speedo at the Poland Swim Club and when I fronted the one night only performance of Heavy B and the Leddicks.  It was almost as if I was remembering myself as I reconnected with old friends.  A flood of positive memories came back to me as I found more and more people who I had lost touch with over the years.  It was this social networking tool and the inspiration of one of the most courageous individuals I know that pushed me to do more and go further.

For two years, I have been mocking my friend Brent and his Wentworth Chronicles blog and Mike McD and his technology addiction.  On February 25, 2010, Brent posted a blog titled, "Courage" it was about Mike and his upcoming surgery to amputate his right leg below the knee.  I actually read it and was inspired by his words about Mike.  A little over a month later, Mike started his own blog about his life change and how excited he was about it.  I was again inspired.  If Mike could talk about this and face this with so much hope and courage, I could do it too.  It was my friends who made me realize the power of the internet for inspiration, support, and accountability.  A day after Mike posted his first blog, I posted the beginning of my story.  I linked it to Facebook and announced it to the world of almost all who know me.  It was uncomfortable to say the least.  I led off with a post that would prove to help others help me, it was titled, "How Can I Help."

I feared many things about posting my story.  I feared that I would be bothering people with my texts about the link or Facebook updates.  I didn't want to do it for attention and worried about that perception.  I just wanted to gain the accountability of knowing that everyone was aware of my struggle and my mission, but instead something incredible happened.  Many friends joined me in the fight.  The words of encouragement, support, and information has helped me gain strength and impacted me deeply.  I have considered it a blessing and have taken to heart each comment, knowing that you are behind me.  I thank you all very much.

Through all of this, one territory remained. Tthere was one last place to hide - work.  Yes, some people knew what I was doing at work, but not many.  When you are in a leadership position of any kind, being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do.  You often need to be tough, focused, and strong.  However, I needed to let everyone in on my struggle and my focus.  Finally, in the middle of April, I told our staff what I had been going through and that I vowed to make a change in my life.  It was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.  In the end, they responded with understanding and support.  I am lucky to work with a great group of people. 

I had all the major players on board, there was no choice but to refuse to lose.  This support network has been a true inspiration and motivator.  I consistently say to myself, "Don't give up.  Don't ever give up."

 ***Weekly Update***  This Saturday, I weighed in at 390.2 lbs, which is an elimination of 2.2 lbs for the week and a total of 42 lbs overall.  I am happy to have passed the 40 lb marker, but I am focused on reaching my 10% reduction goal.  I have had to keep my focus on fitness and nutrition over numbers.  I continually stress to myself that it is not about the numbers, but about how I feel.  Thanks again for all of your  support.  Have a great week!