Analyze This Part 2

So there I was staring down the notion that surgery was the only way out, realizing that it wasn't for me.  I began to feel overwhelmed.  I was bombarded with feelings of hopelessness and well-wishing for future miracles of modern medicine to take a way this burden.  The thoughts of a magic pill to make this all happen flew around in my head as I contemplated my next steps.  I began to doubt the validity of my plan.  I began to doubt me, again.  Who do I think I am?  Come on do you really think you can create a plan that works when you failed on so many others?  These doubts led to "woe is me wonder" where I was interrogating myself to understand why I couldn't just say no to food. As some folks know, I love to ask the big questions and I like to look behind actions to determine why people do what they do. So, I continued my internal quest of asking myself why I do what I do.  However, I couldn't grasp it. I could not figure out why I was destroying myself with food. I couldn't answer the hundreds of questions I posed to myself.  I needed to gain some insight and then deal with the root causes of my food and weight issues.  If I can't do it, then I know who can help me.  I needed to drop the pride and do something that I feared. I made an appointment to see a psychologist.

The process of finding a psychologist who could help me with my situation was extraordinarily difficult. People didn't know how to respond when I said that I was looking for someone to help me understand why I felt an obsession or controlled by food. They sort of avoided the topic and wanted to put me into a box that they could define.  Here is a summary of multiple initial conversations with schedulers:
     "Are you bulemic?"
     "No."
     "Are you anorexic?"
     "No... I am looking for someone to help me find my patterns, triggers, and underlying causes as to why I go to food for comfort and happiness; boredom and activity; rain or shine."
     "Oh, I'm not sure that we do that."

"What the hell!?" crossed my mind several times during these calls. America is dying from obesity and no one can help me figure out my behavioral patterns that lead to obesity.

I began to think that these people did not realize how difficult it is for someone to call for counseling. This isn't like going to the doctor for a checkup or illness (although, I have to be forced to do that at times). A psychologist is out of the norm for many people. The images that this foreign process conjures up in our heads scare even the strongest and most secure person. It makes us deal with our lack of control and in many ways, it feels creepy to divulge personal information to someone who does not know us and may be judging us.

Add into this equation my background. I reference the tough mentality of Youngstown, OH as a strength as to who I am; however in this piece of my plan it was a hindrance. I felt that going to a psychologist would represent great weakness. Am I displaying a lack of mental toughness? Can't I just get over this on my own?  A Youngstown therapy session would be your parents, friends, or a coach/mentor chewing you out and telling you to suck it up and work your way out of it. Get tough! Quit being a wimp! Suck it up! (If you are from Youngstown you are either nodding your head or chuckling thinking of an example in your past). I heard these phrases in my head over and over. This mentality has provided me great strength in this process and has put me smack dab where I am today; but to see a counselor with this in your belief system - extremely difficult.

Even with the ghosts of Youngstown trying to psych me up to think I can do this on my own, I continued to call other counselors. After making far too many calls to locate help, I found two people who would take my appointment. One appointment I kept and the other I didn't. Why did I go to one and not the other? The initial appointment was so difficult for me to attend and go through that I couldn't put myself through that process again. The first person I met with became my counselor by default- not by fit.

I took this step as a means to address two of my points or pillars of my plan. If I could gain insight into the reasons why I am self-destructing, then I would have a solid grasp on the behavioral and mental points to my plan. However, I found so much more than a clinical view. Jumping over this hurdle and through going to counseling, I found the person that I could be, and the beginning of the way to get him back. I was gaining strength through action and didn't realize it. Overall, I was still struggling, but I realized that my spirit was telling me, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."

***Weekly Update*** After stumbling mid-week, I have experienced another elimination of .8 lbs. This brings my overall total to 34 lbs eliminated.  I now weigh 398.2 lbs. Losing .8 lbs is a bit of a mental discouragement, but I must stay focused on how I am feeling and the realization that this is a journey for health. Sometimes, I  lose sight and get sucked into believing that this is a numbers game, but it truly is not.  The numbers motivate me and help me to experience success, but the numbers will come as I make the changes to create a better life.  Ultimately, I didn't put this on in a day and I won't take it off in a day.  I continue to approach this one step at a time.  I refuse to focus on an end goal (in fact I haven't even set it), because it can be discouraging and daunting to think of this as a big process or a big task.  Instead, I am refusing to look past my next goal of a 10% reduction in body weight (388.8 lbs).  It is then and only then, when I will decide on my next benchmark goal.