Analyze This Part 1

Now that I had my plan and I surrendered myself to making and being open to change, I began my first steps to a new life. As I looked at my plan, it inspired me, but it also seemed huge. How could I ever accomplish this? How should these 7 points look in practice? How can I change?

As I continued to stare at the magical marker board in my home office, I continued to fall into deep thought wondering why I do the things that I do. Why do I experience success and then quit? Why do I choose to damage myself? The answers, well let’s just say they weren’t on the positive side of life as I talked to myself. I did not realize it at the time, but not only was I being extremely harsh to myself, I was damaging myself mentally. I was putting myself into a state of mind that could potentially seal my fate as being and becoming more obese. We all know the end scenario to that life.

However, this negativity could not get me past the belief that in order for me to change, I had to understand why I was engaging in this destructive behavior. I felt that the knowledge of why would expose the root of my struggle. If I could deal with the root of my struggle, then I could begin the process of change.

As I have stated previously, the vast majority of the time, I did not eat poorly. My diet was not laced with wings and snickers at every turn. What I engaged in was a purely American diet. Fast food- although I didn’t think I had it often- was a staple for a couple of days a week; after all, I was working late and had to grab something on the way home from work. I rarely paid attention to how my food was cooked, and I never missed an opportunity to eat, but I truly did not believe that my eating habits should have caused me to pack on the pounds at the rate I was experiencing. But my dirty little secret was that there were those times when food was in control. I would sneak food, sneak a trip to fast food, or indulge in something because it was the last time I would eat it. Ultimately when these events were over, it was too late. The damage was done.

I can still identify most of those times, not by the event, but by how I felt after. I remember the desperation, the self-hate, the willingness in those moments to do anything to take back what I had just done to myself. I remember wishing for an eating disorder to have control, only to come to my senses and then believe that there was no way out of this cycle. The harshest realization was when I thought, I no longer worship God; I worship food. I am its slave.

It is in these moments that we have a choice to get up and do something, or wallow in self-pity. At times, I chose action and vowed to change, only to end up back in the same position. Other moments, I felt helpless and refused to believe in a possible change. Those moments were growing in number and hope was dwindling. I began to think about surgery as a way out.

I do not begrudge anyone who chooses surgery as a way to get healthy. In fact, I have two friends who have utilized these methods and they are having great results. I just don’t think it is the right fit for me. Add in the fear created as one of my brother’s closest friends almost died going through the bariatric surgery process. I just cannot bring myself to engage in that process. It isn’t the right option for me. My solution was to be through a different method. And as I struggled to press on this week, I heard the words of Jim Valvano saying, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." (Part 2 will be coming soon)

***Weekly Update*** As of this post, I have weighed in at 399.0 lbs. This is a 2.2 lb elimination from last week and at total elimination of 33.2 lbs since I began my journey. I can't believe that I am happy to be in the 300s, but I will take it for now.

This takes me to my first benchmark goal of getting under 400 lbs! My second goal is to get to 389.0 lbs, which will mark the loss of slightly more than 10% of my starting body weight. Thanks for all the kind words and prayers. It definitely paid off this week as I struggled to stay focused and really felt the enormity of this process.