I am taking a moment from the chronological side of events and talking about a topic that has been weighing on my mind for about a month now. It is how I have fought through some weight set backs that have come during the month of July and first part of August.
TAKING A PUNCH:
Through my previous weight loss attempts, I believed that I had sticking points, brick walls that stopped my progress and caused me to revert back to old form. It is this phenomenon that took place every time I would get to a barrier and I would see my behavior degrade into the same old, same old. In the past these barriers were events/celebrations (the holidays come to mind), weight loss numbers, or times of year (the stress of beginning school). The mental block that accompanied these barriers was often the finishing touch that would get me to quit and end promising starts to weight loss efforts. This all ranged from self-sabotage, fear of missing out on perceived fun, or lack of planning to avoid these sticking points.
However, I am redefining these barriers as punches. This goes along with my workout routines as I am learning to box from Doug (my trainer). My belief is that there never was a barrier, but rather a punch that would stagger me. In the past, I allowed these punches to get me to back down, become complacent, or even forget all the reasons why I was losing weight, and fool myself into believing that it didn't matter what I did. In life, I always looked at adversity as an opportunity to show what I was made of, except in my weight loss experiences. I can tell you that is a thing of the past.
The reality is that everyone who strives to lose weight, takes a punch along the way. Some of the punches are small, some are big, they vary in frequency, and they always come when we are at our weakest or believe that we are doing everything right.
I had small punches along the way until I took my family on vacation this summer. When we left, I weighed in at 378.6 and had been fighting a yo-yo of losing and gaining for about three weeks straight. While on vacation, I had my moments where I would eat too much or make poor choices, but these were always coupled with lots of daily activity. In fact, I would argue that I was more active that week than I had been during any week over the past five years. When I returned, I expected to see an increase of maybe a pound or two. If I was lucky maybe it would even out. After all, I was active and making decent decisions overall.
As I stepped on the scale, I was subjected to an upper cut from nowhere- 390.6 lbs! WHAT THE HELL!?!? Yes, I gained 12 lbs in one week. Needless to say I was stunned, down in the dumps, and doubting all at once. As in times past, I needed comfort and I began to eat. Another day of damage took place as I figured, I will put myself back on track - TOMORROW. What a dangerous word - tomorrow. Every great "could've been" starts tomorrow. However, by the grace of God, I caught myself. As if I was a boxer who just got knocked to the canvas and realized that the referee was counting, I got my senses and got up to keep fighting.
The first thing I did was take stock. Twelve pounds in one week, meant there had to be an element of water in all of this. I started to figure that I could flush and sweat this out of my system. The remaining weight, well I spent some time trying to figure out what went wrong. I started to think directly about my meals and calorie intake from the previous week. As I carefully thought, I realized that I was not making good choices during that week. At this point, I ended my analysis of the previous week. In fact, I ended any dwelling on the situation. This turned out to be very important, as I was fighting the thoughts of how hopeless it all seemed and how much damage I had done. This was not helping me, in fact it was tearing down my mental focus of staying positive and dwelling on the good that I was accomplishing.
I got back to basics. Positive mindset, daily affirmations, tracking what I was eating, following through with my workouts, staying away from overly processed foods, and maintaining my spiritual connection for strength. In doing this, I lost 10.4 lbs that next week. The following week, I lost the rest of the vacation weight and an extra .2 lbs. Then I got cocky, and I gained 9.2 lbs the following week. I refocused again and rebounded with a 10 lb loss. The reality is that I am sure I was dealing with a good amount of fluid, but this also was an opportunity to learn and believe in myself and the program that I have designed.
I realized that I have to stay focused and that every week will have its ups and downs. We cannot judge weight loss or any self-improvement, for that matter, on the results of one week or the desperation of a moment. The key is to take the punch and get up from the canvas. Hey, anyone can be tough when they are throwing the punches, but it is when we get hit that we find out what we are made of. As throughout all of time, I believe that people have proven, through God's grace, we are all tough as nails when it counts! DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T EVER GIVE UP!
Weekly Update: I am excited to say that I have met my next goal! I weighed in at 373.4 lbs yesterday morning (the goal was to get to 375). This is a 4.2 lb elimination from the week previous. My next goal is a short one, as I strive to get to the 60 lbs lost marker (when I reach 372.2 lbs).
Overall, I am in good place, but I must admit losing 58.8 lbs and realizing that I am not even close to my overall goal is disheartening. However, I am staying focused on going one day at a time and I remind myself that it took me 37 years to gain all this weight. It is not going to come off overnight or even in one year. I just have to keep plugging away. :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The Turning Point
Before I begin my next entry, I wanted to say thank you to so many people who have checked in with me or those close to me to make certain I was OK and still pressing forward. If you are one of those people, THANK YOU! I kept wanting to put a new post up, but I was allowing life to engulf me, thus I had to refocus my priority towards my accountability. However, I have not lost focus on my goals and my program. I am still pushing forward. In the words of L.L. Cool J, "Don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years." :)
As I started to focus more on nutrition and what was in my food, I began to think about it as fuel for my body. If I eat better foods, then it should translate into me feeling better, stronger, and having more energy. I began to wonder what it would be like to truly begin to feel good physically. I could remember my more athletic self, but I couldn't remember what it was like to feel good. I couldn't remember what it was like to run and not want to fall down exhausted, or use my muscles and not feel like I was moving a house, go up the stairs without wondering if I would make it to the top. As I began to steer clear of certain processed foods, I approached the opportunity to work with Doug Owens. Doug, as I mentioned in the last blog entry, is a world class trainer who has helped people from all walks of life from professional athletes to cancer patients, from the extremely fit to the very obese. He has the skill to tailor a program for anyone at any stage of fitness to help them build confidence and their body. His knowledge of the human body, its functions, limits, and nutritional needs is absolutely amazing. Yet he condenses this knowledge into common terms, integrates it and explains it during workouts. He has become a great resource and an essential member of the "don't give up" team.
As stated before, I knew Doug personally for about a year before I took him up on the offer to train with him. I had three hurdles to clear before I would take this plunge. First, I was concerned about the cost; personal trainers are expensive, but he doesn't focus on bankrupting his clients. He is more focused on how he can help people and makes himself affordable even though he has the credentials to be much more expensive. The second hurdle was the reality that I needed to be certain that I would be committed to this endeavor. This hurdle was cleared when I decided to make this overall change. The final hurdle was simple fear. Could I physically do this? As I gained weight, I viewed myself to be a lot fitter than I was even though I had put on all this weight. Now, I had to confront another reality of my condition: I was severely unfit.
In order to give an accurate picture of what Doug had to work with when I started with him, I submit the following information: Every day I would wake up drive to work, park my car and walk approximately twenty yards to the entry of our school. I dreaded this walk because if I walked too fast I would get winded covering that distance. Then I would get to my office, sit for a part of the day, go to meetings, visit classrooms (either sitting or walking in each), then return home and sit on the couch, absolutely drained of all energy with no ability to recuperate. I literally could not lift another finger to do anything. I was completely gassed at the end of a day. The sadder part, it would be worse on days that I had to stay late for sports or evening events. I recall the energy it took to get up from the couch and walk to the kitchen, my computer room, or my bedroom. I had no energy and was being suffocated by my weight. In the end, breathing was starting to become a difficult task. This is what Doug had to work with, a man who had heart, but could barely function physically.
On top of all the physical difficulties and limitations, I hated to work out. During the years that I coached football, I had tried a variety of programs and workouts to get fit, but none of the typical "go into the gym and walk on the treadmill or lift weights" programs even remotely interested me. When it comes down to it, I believe that you have to enjoy the activity that you chose to undertake in order to stay or get fit. I never liked those traditional scenarios. I did some things on the non-traditional side of activity; Tae Bo workouts were ordered at one point and that didn't make me feel anything but ridiculous. If those things work for you, more power to you; but standing in front of the TV, kicking and punching the air while praying that no one would see my Hong Kong Phoey routine wasn't doing it for me. I tried to take up running or walking, but running absolutely wrecked me; walking was OK, but it didn't quite hit the spot. What felt right to me was competition, physical action, and sport as a package deal. This is right in Doug's wheel house.
I remember the uncertainty, anxiousness, excitement, and doubt as I drove to my first workout. I was concerned about being able to do things well enough to matter. I was anxious and worried that I would injure myself. I was excited about a new beginning. I was doubting whether or not I would actually do this long term and pull off this whole program I had designed. After all, this is where the rubber meets the road and the real physical work begins. As these and many other thoughts rolled through my head over and over, I turned to my iPod for inspiration. After getting a little pumped from hearing The Notorious BIG's Hypnotize, I heard a song that has inspired me before - Lose Yourself, by Eminem. The lyrics were perfect, the beat was energizing me, and I focused on a vision of what all of this will produce when I become healthy and fit. I temporarily set aside my doubts and pulled into Doug Owen's Personal Fitness and Boxing. A place that would soon become a safe haven for me. A place that I would consistently use to refocus and stay positive in my fight to regain my life. A place where Doug and I would have conversations and do the work to change my life. It is a place where I would have to push myself and test my resolve to my mantra: Don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Weekly Update: Well it has been too long since my last weekly update, however I have been on the roller coaster all summer with birthday parties, travel, vacation and a lack of routine that I thought would be a benefit. However, I found it to be exceptionally difficult to stay focused and maintain my progress. I am happy to report that I have weighed in at 379.8 lbs this week. This is an overall loss of 52.4 lbs and I am closing in on my next goal of eclipsing the 375 lb mark. I am so thankful for all the encouraging messages, texts, and phone calls. Thanks and I'm back on the weekly blog schedule.
On a final note, I have received many comments about having trouble leaving comments because of the log in requirements of blogspot. I have now removed that restriction from this blog. Have a great week.
As I started to focus more on nutrition and what was in my food, I began to think about it as fuel for my body. If I eat better foods, then it should translate into me feeling better, stronger, and having more energy. I began to wonder what it would be like to truly begin to feel good physically. I could remember my more athletic self, but I couldn't remember what it was like to feel good. I couldn't remember what it was like to run and not want to fall down exhausted, or use my muscles and not feel like I was moving a house, go up the stairs without wondering if I would make it to the top. As I began to steer clear of certain processed foods, I approached the opportunity to work with Doug Owens. Doug, as I mentioned in the last blog entry, is a world class trainer who has helped people from all walks of life from professional athletes to cancer patients, from the extremely fit to the very obese. He has the skill to tailor a program for anyone at any stage of fitness to help them build confidence and their body. His knowledge of the human body, its functions, limits, and nutritional needs is absolutely amazing. Yet he condenses this knowledge into common terms, integrates it and explains it during workouts. He has become a great resource and an essential member of the "don't give up" team.
As stated before, I knew Doug personally for about a year before I took him up on the offer to train with him. I had three hurdles to clear before I would take this plunge. First, I was concerned about the cost; personal trainers are expensive, but he doesn't focus on bankrupting his clients. He is more focused on how he can help people and makes himself affordable even though he has the credentials to be much more expensive. The second hurdle was the reality that I needed to be certain that I would be committed to this endeavor. This hurdle was cleared when I decided to make this overall change. The final hurdle was simple fear. Could I physically do this? As I gained weight, I viewed myself to be a lot fitter than I was even though I had put on all this weight. Now, I had to confront another reality of my condition: I was severely unfit.
In order to give an accurate picture of what Doug had to work with when I started with him, I submit the following information: Every day I would wake up drive to work, park my car and walk approximately twenty yards to the entry of our school. I dreaded this walk because if I walked too fast I would get winded covering that distance. Then I would get to my office, sit for a part of the day, go to meetings, visit classrooms (either sitting or walking in each), then return home and sit on the couch, absolutely drained of all energy with no ability to recuperate. I literally could not lift another finger to do anything. I was completely gassed at the end of a day. The sadder part, it would be worse on days that I had to stay late for sports or evening events. I recall the energy it took to get up from the couch and walk to the kitchen, my computer room, or my bedroom. I had no energy and was being suffocated by my weight. In the end, breathing was starting to become a difficult task. This is what Doug had to work with, a man who had heart, but could barely function physically.
On top of all the physical difficulties and limitations, I hated to work out. During the years that I coached football, I had tried a variety of programs and workouts to get fit, but none of the typical "go into the gym and walk on the treadmill or lift weights" programs even remotely interested me. When it comes down to it, I believe that you have to enjoy the activity that you chose to undertake in order to stay or get fit. I never liked those traditional scenarios. I did some things on the non-traditional side of activity; Tae Bo workouts were ordered at one point and that didn't make me feel anything but ridiculous. If those things work for you, more power to you; but standing in front of the TV, kicking and punching the air while praying that no one would see my Hong Kong Phoey routine wasn't doing it for me. I tried to take up running or walking, but running absolutely wrecked me; walking was OK, but it didn't quite hit the spot. What felt right to me was competition, physical action, and sport as a package deal. This is right in Doug's wheel house.
I remember the uncertainty, anxiousness, excitement, and doubt as I drove to my first workout. I was concerned about being able to do things well enough to matter. I was anxious and worried that I would injure myself. I was excited about a new beginning. I was doubting whether or not I would actually do this long term and pull off this whole program I had designed. After all, this is where the rubber meets the road and the real physical work begins. As these and many other thoughts rolled through my head over and over, I turned to my iPod for inspiration. After getting a little pumped from hearing The Notorious BIG's Hypnotize, I heard a song that has inspired me before - Lose Yourself, by Eminem. The lyrics were perfect, the beat was energizing me, and I focused on a vision of what all of this will produce when I become healthy and fit. I temporarily set aside my doubts and pulled into Doug Owen's Personal Fitness and Boxing. A place that would soon become a safe haven for me. A place that I would consistently use to refocus and stay positive in my fight to regain my life. A place where Doug and I would have conversations and do the work to change my life. It is a place where I would have to push myself and test my resolve to my mantra: Don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Weekly Update: Well it has been too long since my last weekly update, however I have been on the roller coaster all summer with birthday parties, travel, vacation and a lack of routine that I thought would be a benefit. However, I found it to be exceptionally difficult to stay focused and maintain my progress. I am happy to report that I have weighed in at 379.8 lbs this week. This is an overall loss of 52.4 lbs and I am closing in on my next goal of eclipsing the 375 lb mark. I am so thankful for all the encouraging messages, texts, and phone calls. Thanks and I'm back on the weekly blog schedule.
On a final note, I have received many comments about having trouble leaving comments because of the log in requirements of blogspot. I have now removed that restriction from this blog. Have a great week.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I Am What I Ate
As I was intrigued about my knowledge or lack thereof about nutrition, I started to focus on re-educating myself regarding the foods I have known so intimately throughout my life. I began with research into a common ingredient - high fructose corn syrup (HFCS). This food additive was first brought to my attention by my former counselor. She challenged me to give up this ingredient early on in my process of regaining my life and I shrugged it off. I figured at this point, why not give it a read and see what is so bad about it. So like everything else, I googled "dangers of high fructose corn syrup". What I found was controversial, debated, and disturbing; HFCS is being attributed to obesity, food addiction, liver damage, diabetes, mercury poisoning, and a host of other issues. As I read site after site, I began to google more combinations to see what else I could learn.
When I finished gorging on information three things stuck with me: 1) this additive was put in feed for livestock to make them fatter; 2) since it has been a part of the American diet, we have gained weight and have fought the weight gain with little success; and 3) its safety is the subject of hot debate. Regarding number 3, someone made this comment to me, "why is it in other countries, nothing can be given to the public without knowing for certain that it is safe. Yet we are allowing this substance to be widely used with such debate and uncertainty." If you doubt the validity of this claim, I reference the use of asbestos, lead, mercury, tobacco, Fen-phen, and ephedra, just to name a few items that prove this statement. I do not know if it is just a problem in this country though.
As I continued my research into HFCS, I found that this is in the vast majority of products that we eat. I began to become keenly aware of my food and its ingredients. I began to take the time to read labels and know what I was putting into my body. I am not going to claim to be a food or nutrition guru, people who go in those professions and have far more training and knowledge than I, but I solidly believe that HFCS is a major concern for our country and especially those who are overweight. Anyone ever hear a story where someone eliminates regular soft drinks and they drop weight? Yes, the big ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Some will say, well its about the empty calories. I partially agree. However, in lab studies animals were given sugar water and water with HFCS. The end result, those with HFCS gained weight and became overweight, those with sugar water did not.
This does not mean that we can eat sugar with reckless abandon, but it does implicate that HFCS changes us on a chemical level and may make us more susceptible to gain weight. How many of us have talked about cutting calories, but we are frustrated that the weight will not come off? I now I believe I know why. I almost forgot to mention, fast food has HFCS as a major ingredient. Could this be why it is addictive and linked to obesity? I think I the information on HFCS answers these questions as well.
As I continued to learn and develop concepts of what foods I should choose to put in my mouth, I began to watch "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution." This show really was focused on healthy eating and helping people rediscover proper nutrition in the schools, in their homes, and in their personal lives. Jamie's main premise was to eliminate products that had ingredients people were unfamiliar with. In regards to reading labels of foods people should buy, he would say, "if an ingredient sounds like it could be in a science experiment, stay away from it." I began to follow this premise along with the idea that I needed to stay away from processed foods or ready made foods when possible. He claims that we need to return to a more simplistic way of eating. Jamie stressed that we need to stop poisoning ourselves with processed, unhealthy options, and that we can't afford to cut our lives short just because our current life is hectic, we are stressed, or we don't have time for healthy options. As his show continued to unfold, my thoughts started to come together. Maybe we, as a country, aren't getting fat because of larger portions, inactivity, or the types of food we are eating. Maybe we are getting fat because the additives in our food are causing us to react and crave in a way that our bodies are not meant to tolerate? If these additives are causing us to gain weight and making us want to eat when we are full, if they are causing us to feel less satiated, which in turn causes us eat more, gain weight, which results in us not wanting to be more active then we are dealing with more than just calories. I decided to eliminate HFCS, trans-fats, and focus on a healthier lifestyle.
This brings me back my great friend, Kris. I wrote in an earlier post about her support and how she would bring healthy foods into work so we can have healthy options instead of the regular processed food that was available. Her support and knowledge became critical as I began to look at nutrition differently. As I shared my thoughts, she validated it with her knowledge. I began to ask why she ate organic foods and picked foods from a natural food store in the area. We had a great conversation and she talked to me about the knowledge of another friend. His name is Doug Owens.
At this point, I had known Doug for over a year as he and Kris had been and are currently dating. Doug is a very unassuming person. He does not brag and is a very low key individual, but his knowledge regarding nutrition and fitness, in my opinion, is rivaled by no one else I have ever talked to in my life. Doug is a world class trainer. He owns Doug Owens Personal Fitness and Boxing (http://www.dougowenspersonalfitness.com/index.html) and has trained Jody Shelly (NHL), Brady Quinn (NFL), James "Buster" Douglass (World Champion in Boxing), and many others from cancer patients to other world class athletes. I decided that it was time for me to begin the exercise portion of my life. After a few text messages, I had enlisted his help into my personal fitness. A new part of my journey would begin as I scheduled time to work with him once a week on my health and wellness. I was just about to turn the corner in my fight. I had a new level of accountability and I knew that I had my unhealthiness on the run. I said to myself, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Some links on HFCS
http://www.180degreehealth.com/high-fructose-corn-syrup.html
http://www.green-metroplex.com/Assorted/Warnings/regarding/Corn_syrup/Use.html
Weekly Update: I am excited to report that as of Saturday, June 19, I weighed in at 381.2. This is a 2.8 lb elimination from last week and gets me to another personal goal of getting to the 50 lbs eliminated mark. Overall, I have eliminated 51 lbs and I am no where near the end. It is bittersweet as I have never lost this much weight before, but I realize that I still have so far to go. The only thing that I can do is stay focused on the next step and stay committed. My next goal is to get under the 370 lb marker. Till next week, I wish you all the best.
When I finished gorging on information three things stuck with me: 1) this additive was put in feed for livestock to make them fatter; 2) since it has been a part of the American diet, we have gained weight and have fought the weight gain with little success; and 3) its safety is the subject of hot debate. Regarding number 3, someone made this comment to me, "why is it in other countries, nothing can be given to the public without knowing for certain that it is safe. Yet we are allowing this substance to be widely used with such debate and uncertainty." If you doubt the validity of this claim, I reference the use of asbestos, lead, mercury, tobacco, Fen-phen, and ephedra, just to name a few items that prove this statement. I do not know if it is just a problem in this country though.
As I continued my research into HFCS, I found that this is in the vast majority of products that we eat. I began to become keenly aware of my food and its ingredients. I began to take the time to read labels and know what I was putting into my body. I am not going to claim to be a food or nutrition guru, people who go in those professions and have far more training and knowledge than I, but I solidly believe that HFCS is a major concern for our country and especially those who are overweight. Anyone ever hear a story where someone eliminates regular soft drinks and they drop weight? Yes, the big ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Some will say, well its about the empty calories. I partially agree. However, in lab studies animals were given sugar water and water with HFCS. The end result, those with HFCS gained weight and became overweight, those with sugar water did not.
This does not mean that we can eat sugar with reckless abandon, but it does implicate that HFCS changes us on a chemical level and may make us more susceptible to gain weight. How many of us have talked about cutting calories, but we are frustrated that the weight will not come off? I now I believe I know why. I almost forgot to mention, fast food has HFCS as a major ingredient. Could this be why it is addictive and linked to obesity? I think I the information on HFCS answers these questions as well.
As I continued to learn and develop concepts of what foods I should choose to put in my mouth, I began to watch "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution." This show really was focused on healthy eating and helping people rediscover proper nutrition in the schools, in their homes, and in their personal lives. Jamie's main premise was to eliminate products that had ingredients people were unfamiliar with. In regards to reading labels of foods people should buy, he would say, "if an ingredient sounds like it could be in a science experiment, stay away from it." I began to follow this premise along with the idea that I needed to stay away from processed foods or ready made foods when possible. He claims that we need to return to a more simplistic way of eating. Jamie stressed that we need to stop poisoning ourselves with processed, unhealthy options, and that we can't afford to cut our lives short just because our current life is hectic, we are stressed, or we don't have time for healthy options. As his show continued to unfold, my thoughts started to come together. Maybe we, as a country, aren't getting fat because of larger portions, inactivity, or the types of food we are eating. Maybe we are getting fat because the additives in our food are causing us to react and crave in a way that our bodies are not meant to tolerate? If these additives are causing us to gain weight and making us want to eat when we are full, if they are causing us to feel less satiated, which in turn causes us eat more, gain weight, which results in us not wanting to be more active then we are dealing with more than just calories. I decided to eliminate HFCS, trans-fats, and focus on a healthier lifestyle.
This brings me back my great friend, Kris. I wrote in an earlier post about her support and how she would bring healthy foods into work so we can have healthy options instead of the regular processed food that was available. Her support and knowledge became critical as I began to look at nutrition differently. As I shared my thoughts, she validated it with her knowledge. I began to ask why she ate organic foods and picked foods from a natural food store in the area. We had a great conversation and she talked to me about the knowledge of another friend. His name is Doug Owens.
At this point, I had known Doug for over a year as he and Kris had been and are currently dating. Doug is a very unassuming person. He does not brag and is a very low key individual, but his knowledge regarding nutrition and fitness, in my opinion, is rivaled by no one else I have ever talked to in my life. Doug is a world class trainer. He owns Doug Owens Personal Fitness and Boxing (http://www.dougowenspersonalfitness.com/index.html) and has trained Jody Shelly (NHL), Brady Quinn (NFL), James "Buster" Douglass (World Champion in Boxing), and many others from cancer patients to other world class athletes. I decided that it was time for me to begin the exercise portion of my life. After a few text messages, I had enlisted his help into my personal fitness. A new part of my journey would begin as I scheduled time to work with him once a week on my health and wellness. I was just about to turn the corner in my fight. I had a new level of accountability and I knew that I had my unhealthiness on the run. I said to myself, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Some links on HFCS
http://www.180degreehealth.com/high-fructose-corn-syrup.html
http://www.green-metroplex.com/Assorted/Warnings/regarding/Corn_syrup/Use.html
Weekly Update: I am excited to report that as of Saturday, June 19, I weighed in at 381.2. This is a 2.8 lb elimination from last week and gets me to another personal goal of getting to the 50 lbs eliminated mark. Overall, I have eliminated 51 lbs and I am no where near the end. It is bittersweet as I have never lost this much weight before, but I realize that I still have so far to go. The only thing that I can do is stay focused on the next step and stay committed. My next goal is to get under the 370 lb marker. Till next week, I wish you all the best.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Might As Well Face It Your Addicted to Food...
As you read the words of this title I hope you hear the 1980's mega hit from Robert Palmer, "Addicted to Love"..."might as well face it your addicted to food, huh!"
Please enjoy reading my parody lyrics to this once famous song:
Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your body sweats, your stomach aches
Another burger is what it takes
You can't sleep, cuz you can eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another bite is all you need
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff,
oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough, you
know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to food
You see the signs, and then you read
A couple bucks is all you need
Your mouth waters and then you spy
Another item and a large fry
You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
Eat it tomorrow, is what I'll do
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff,
oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough, you
know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to food
And now this week's entry:
As I watched the many reality shows on TV that deal with the addictions that people face, I couldn't help but see a commonality with what I was fighting in my own life. The pain, stress, need, desire, and preoccupation that those people felt and battled were eerily similar to the emotions and desires of myself towards food. Finally, the realization hit home as I was faced with my counselor telling me that I was dealing with an addiction to food. My first reaction was one of relief, I can finally put a name on this problem and really start to deal with it. My second reaction, which I verbalized, was loaded with sarcasm "Seriously?" I then said, "Addiction is real, it is ugly, it can kill, and it is crippling. Everyone is claiming addiction these days from sex to food to the use of the internet; how can this be an addiction." I have to hand it to my counselor, who patiently pointed out that my misuse of food was doing everything that I had pointed out in that statement. My problem was real, it was ugly, it was killing me and it was crippling me in the process. I hate being wrong, but I was and my own words condemned me. I broke mentally and spiritually at that moment. The realization that I was trapped in an addiction became so monstrous that I literally broke. I didn't cry, but I could feel my will change, my heart sink, and my self-confidence die. I was in way over my head and didn't see any way out. As I sat in the chair across from my counselor, my head hung low and I asked in a low soft voice, "What now?"
In reality, I wasn't just asking that question to my therapist. I was asking it to God, myself, and my counselor. Her response was measured, "I have a book for you." The book was Addiction and Grace by Gerald May. She said she wanted me to read it and tell her what I thought about it. I remember leaving there with an internal fight taking place in my head. It centered around the overuse of the term addiction to explain so many behaviors. I could not come to terms with this being a disease or something I was genetically engineered to fight; something was not sitting right with me. Then I realized, I needed to allow myself to believe that addiction had levels of severity. Most of you just went, "DUH", I know you did, I heard it. After watching so many shows about drug addiction it skewed my thinking that all addictions had to look the same in severity. We all know and understand that addiction ranges from caffeine to drugs. I needed to find a niche where my addiction fit within that range.
As I began to read the book, Addiction and Grace, my realization grew that the same common principles that foster addiction are present in my fight to gain independence from food. I realized that just because you are dealing with an addiction, it does not provide you with a built in excuse or cop out if you fail. In my opinion, addiction constitutes an unhealthy preoccupation, dependence, or obsession about something. I am not a professional counselor and I am sure there are some holes in this definition, but I am explaining what it means to me. In order to conquer my dependence on food, I thought I needed more visits to the doctor. However, I was soon to learn that would not be the case.
Through reading this book, I began to realize that hope was growing stronger within me. As I read page 18, I realized that I would not and will not be a slave to my misuse of food any longer. I would like to share one excerpt and a quote that focuses on the spiritual side of hope. The context is centered on how the human spirit can break free and deal with the attachment to addiction:
"We are dependent upon grace for liberation from our addictions, but those very addictions impair our receptivity to grace. The message may not sound like good news. Yet God creates and cares for us in such a way that our addictions can never completely vanquish our freedom. Addiction may oppress our desire, erode our wills, confound our motivations, and contaminate our judgment, but its bondage is never absolute. Because of God's continuing love, the human spirit can never be completely obliterated. No matter how oppressed we are, by other people and circumstances or by our own internal addictions, some small capacity for choice remains unvanquished."
The word "choice" caused my heart to race because I had, up until now, believed that once addiction grabs hold of you, you are powerless. I couldn't and can't accept this. I think that as people, we are better and stronger than we believe. I have witnessed it frequently in my 37 years on this planet- the human spirit is strong. Through God you are strong, I am strong, we are strong - its true! "The bare edge of freedom is insured and preserved inside us by God, and no matter what forces oppress us from without or within, it is indestructible." (May, pg. 18) This is where I connected to one of my quotes that I mentioned in a previous post. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippines 4:13) The light bulb went on and the gears in my brain started working. (Insert ears smoking joke here.)
Addiction, in my opinion, is slavery. Slavery to a substance, feeling, or whatever the case may be; I am not saying that I lock, stock and barrel believe in all the claims of addiction, but true addiction is slavery. Time to break the bonds! It was in this moment that I began to see a greater value in the 7 points or pillars that I had written on my marker board in December. I started to think that maybe I didn't know as much as I thought about nutrition and exercise. I began to research things I was hearing about, such as high fructose corn syrup and trans-fats. My readings lead me to understand on a greater level, why I was craving food. Why I was feeling trapped and addicted. Nutrition holds a bigger stake in this fight than I had ever dreamed. It was more than just calorie burn, it was more than just what companies said was healthy and beneficial for me. It was a realization that holds tremendous power and a huge key to my success. It lead me to reach out to a powerful friend, who would be a critical part in my success. It made me realize that I was finding a key to the castle and that now was not the time to quit. I latched on to those familiar words, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Weekly Update: Sorry for the two week delay in posts, it has been exceptionally busy at work and I haven't had the time to sit down and blog. Thank you to everyone who checked on me and made sure I was still fighting! Your support and concern is very much appreciated.
As of last week, June 5, 2010, I weighed in at 385.6, this is a 4.6 lb elimination. This week, I weighed in at 384.0 lbs. This 1.6 lb elimination brings my over all number to 48.2 lbs eliminated and I feel amazing. Thanks again for all the positive support. Have a great week!
Congratulations to the Lindsey and Brent Wise on the birth of their daughter McKinley Marie Wise!
Please enjoy reading my parody lyrics to this once famous song:
Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your body sweats, your stomach aches
Another burger is what it takes
You can't sleep, cuz you can eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another bite is all you need
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff,
oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough, you
know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to food
You see the signs, and then you read
A couple bucks is all you need
Your mouth waters and then you spy
Another item and a large fry
You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
Eat it tomorrow, is what I'll do
Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff,
oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough, you
know you're
Gonna have to face it, you're addicted to food
And now this week's entry:
As I watched the many reality shows on TV that deal with the addictions that people face, I couldn't help but see a commonality with what I was fighting in my own life. The pain, stress, need, desire, and preoccupation that those people felt and battled were eerily similar to the emotions and desires of myself towards food. Finally, the realization hit home as I was faced with my counselor telling me that I was dealing with an addiction to food. My first reaction was one of relief, I can finally put a name on this problem and really start to deal with it. My second reaction, which I verbalized, was loaded with sarcasm "Seriously?" I then said, "Addiction is real, it is ugly, it can kill, and it is crippling. Everyone is claiming addiction these days from sex to food to the use of the internet; how can this be an addiction." I have to hand it to my counselor, who patiently pointed out that my misuse of food was doing everything that I had pointed out in that statement. My problem was real, it was ugly, it was killing me and it was crippling me in the process. I hate being wrong, but I was and my own words condemned me. I broke mentally and spiritually at that moment. The realization that I was trapped in an addiction became so monstrous that I literally broke. I didn't cry, but I could feel my will change, my heart sink, and my self-confidence die. I was in way over my head and didn't see any way out. As I sat in the chair across from my counselor, my head hung low and I asked in a low soft voice, "What now?"
In reality, I wasn't just asking that question to my therapist. I was asking it to God, myself, and my counselor. Her response was measured, "I have a book for you." The book was Addiction and Grace by Gerald May. She said she wanted me to read it and tell her what I thought about it. I remember leaving there with an internal fight taking place in my head. It centered around the overuse of the term addiction to explain so many behaviors. I could not come to terms with this being a disease or something I was genetically engineered to fight; something was not sitting right with me. Then I realized, I needed to allow myself to believe that addiction had levels of severity. Most of you just went, "DUH", I know you did, I heard it. After watching so many shows about drug addiction it skewed my thinking that all addictions had to look the same in severity. We all know and understand that addiction ranges from caffeine to drugs. I needed to find a niche where my addiction fit within that range.
As I began to read the book, Addiction and Grace, my realization grew that the same common principles that foster addiction are present in my fight to gain independence from food. I realized that just because you are dealing with an addiction, it does not provide you with a built in excuse or cop out if you fail. In my opinion, addiction constitutes an unhealthy preoccupation, dependence, or obsession about something. I am not a professional counselor and I am sure there are some holes in this definition, but I am explaining what it means to me. In order to conquer my dependence on food, I thought I needed more visits to the doctor. However, I was soon to learn that would not be the case.
Through reading this book, I began to realize that hope was growing stronger within me. As I read page 18, I realized that I would not and will not be a slave to my misuse of food any longer. I would like to share one excerpt and a quote that focuses on the spiritual side of hope. The context is centered on how the human spirit can break free and deal with the attachment to addiction:
"We are dependent upon grace for liberation from our addictions, but those very addictions impair our receptivity to grace. The message may not sound like good news. Yet God creates and cares for us in such a way that our addictions can never completely vanquish our freedom. Addiction may oppress our desire, erode our wills, confound our motivations, and contaminate our judgment, but its bondage is never absolute. Because of God's continuing love, the human spirit can never be completely obliterated. No matter how oppressed we are, by other people and circumstances or by our own internal addictions, some small capacity for choice remains unvanquished."
The word "choice" caused my heart to race because I had, up until now, believed that once addiction grabs hold of you, you are powerless. I couldn't and can't accept this. I think that as people, we are better and stronger than we believe. I have witnessed it frequently in my 37 years on this planet- the human spirit is strong. Through God you are strong, I am strong, we are strong - its true! "The bare edge of freedom is insured and preserved inside us by God, and no matter what forces oppress us from without or within, it is indestructible." (May, pg. 18) This is where I connected to one of my quotes that I mentioned in a previous post. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippines 4:13) The light bulb went on and the gears in my brain started working. (Insert ears smoking joke here.)
Addiction, in my opinion, is slavery. Slavery to a substance, feeling, or whatever the case may be; I am not saying that I lock, stock and barrel believe in all the claims of addiction, but true addiction is slavery. Time to break the bonds! It was in this moment that I began to see a greater value in the 7 points or pillars that I had written on my marker board in December. I started to think that maybe I didn't know as much as I thought about nutrition and exercise. I began to research things I was hearing about, such as high fructose corn syrup and trans-fats. My readings lead me to understand on a greater level, why I was craving food. Why I was feeling trapped and addicted. Nutrition holds a bigger stake in this fight than I had ever dreamed. It was more than just calorie burn, it was more than just what companies said was healthy and beneficial for me. It was a realization that holds tremendous power and a huge key to my success. It lead me to reach out to a powerful friend, who would be a critical part in my success. It made me realize that I was finding a key to the castle and that now was not the time to quit. I latched on to those familiar words, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Weekly Update: Sorry for the two week delay in posts, it has been exceptionally busy at work and I haven't had the time to sit down and blog. Thank you to everyone who checked on me and made sure I was still fighting! Your support and concern is very much appreciated.
As of last week, June 5, 2010, I weighed in at 385.6, this is a 4.6 lb elimination. This week, I weighed in at 384.0 lbs. This 1.6 lb elimination brings my over all number to 48.2 lbs eliminated and I feel amazing. Thanks again for all the positive support. Have a great week!
Congratulations to the Lindsey and Brent Wise on the birth of their daughter McKinley Marie Wise!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A Little Help From My Friends
As I began to see benefits from my work regarding my mindset and realized that a positive outlook was not too far out of reach, I started on another point or pillar of my wellness program- creating an infrastructure of support. As I took this step, I quickly realized that this was the hardest part of my process. How can I tell people what I am doing, when I don't know if I will succeed? Will I quit this process like all the other programs I've tried? Will I let myself down again? Will I let down those who support me? One thing is certain; if I don't bring people in, then I cannot succeed. But if I bring them in and fail, I fear that I will reach a new low; to fail myself is one thing, to fail them is another. I know they won't judge me, but if I lose this time I will intensify the judgment on myself.
Another obstacle was the question of "how do I want people to help?" Surely, I can't expect anyone to approach this with the same intensity and I don't want them to watch over me. I just need some support. I thought about this dilemma for a long time. It has been an issue that has created uncertainty amongst my friends and family. How can they help me?
At first, I didn't think anyone could help. I did not want to burden anyone with my problems. In some ways, I am an extremely private person, and my weight struggle is smack in the center of that privacy. At times I wondered, "Does anyone really care about this?" We all have so much going on, I don't want to burden my friends and family. However, they do care. They care more than I could ever imagine. Ultimately, I didn't know how their help should look, so I started slow, one step at a time.
First, I told Michele, my wonderful wife, that I was making this change. I told her about the program and what I intended to do. Needless to say, she was behind me and consistently has made sacrifices to make certain that I can get the help I need. She is the backbone of this operation and she has encouraged, tolerated, and supported every effort I have made to regain my life and fitness. Next, I told the two women who are cornerstones of my everyday life, Kris, who is one of my closest friends and a co-worker; and Mary who is my co-worker and guardian. Kris and I spend an inordinate amount of time together and eat at least one meal a day together. Outside of my wife, she has proven to be my MVP in many many ways. Mary is our building secretary and quite possibly a superhero. She guarded my door from allowing temptation to enter and derail my focus on nutrition and fitness. Mary and Kris would be pivotal in my early and continued success.
I asked Mary and Kris to help me by making sure no one brought tempting foods into my office to share. It wasn't because I wanted to be anti-social, but early in my fight I did not know what could or would trigger me to eat poorly, so I had to ban it all. Mary was especially effective at this, because she was at the point of attack, right outside of my office. She would banish pizzas, donuts, and cookie trays to the guidance office; everyone else knew it was there, but I was unaware of its presence due to her intervention. This was a tremendous help.
Kris kept a vigilant eye as well, but as our assistant principal, she was often out of the office, in the halls, in meetings, or in classrooms. In the midst of all of that, she was deeply invested in my cause. It took me about a month from the beginning of my journey to enlist her help, but her help was nothing short of powerful. Early in my fight, I sat in my office, engrossed in a parent meeting and I was missing a group lunch celebration, which was not unusual. Normally when I would miss something like this, someone would stop by after and tell me where the leftovers were and I would proceed to eat alone and too much due to being extremely hungry. However on this day, Kris was two steps ahead. As the parent left my office, I heard someone shout, "I'll tell him." and Kris immediately reply with "No. I got it." A minute or two later, she appeared with two plates of salad, fruit, and water. I can't say that I was excited, realizing that there was real food down the hall, but "I asked for this," I thought to myself.
First, let me say that the salad was very healthy and to my surprise it tasted amazing. Second, I went back for seconds and had no desire to have anything else. You may not be shocked, but I never had that feeling before about a salad. Kris and I had a healthy lunch together, talked work as usual, and went about the rest of our day. This moment was a catalyst for change. In the following days and weeks, Kris would bring in healthy lunches to share over and over again. This set me on a course to really look into my thoughts regarding nutrition and the foods I was eating. The foods she brought tasted amazing and were very healthy. She helped me get over some of the hardest temptations early on by showing me a different way to approach lunch. I began to think, "Help is good."
The next steps were out of necessity. Even though Kris and Mary were helping me and I had sworn them to secrecy, we needed to let others know that I was avoiding foods that were harmful. I expanded my circle of trust to include others at work and some of my closest friends, but I could not push it further. Let me rephrase this, I would not push it further. I feared the uncertain. If people knew about this would they feel guilty eating around me? I hope not, but it has happened before. If people knew about my efforts, would they still invite me to social events? I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or have to think too much about my problem. My biggest obstacle to letting more people in on the plan was the fear that if everyone knew what I was doing, then they would be watching. Guess what - they were watching anyway; but before they were watching me self-destruct. Everyone needd to know about my plan, so I could have a greater accountability in what I was doing. I needed to be out of the proverbial dieting closet - exposed as someone who has made a commitment to getting healthy and fit.
In the coming weeks and months, I took one step after the other: telling my parents, telling more friends, telling several co-workers, and everyone who brought me sweets at work. However, I still felt as though I was holding back. This brings me to the magic of Facebook. At the time, I had just joined Facebook and was really enjoying connecting with old friends and classmates from my hometown. They knew me when I was rockin the speedo at the Poland Swim Club and when I fronted the one night only performance of Heavy B and the Leddicks. It was almost as if I was remembering myself as I reconnected with old friends. A flood of positive memories came back to me as I found more and more people who I had lost touch with over the years. It was this social networking tool and the inspiration of one of the most courageous individuals I know that pushed me to do more and go further.
For two years, I have been mocking my friend Brent and his Wentworth Chronicles blog and Mike McD and his technology addiction. On February 25, 2010, Brent posted a blog titled, "Courage" it was about Mike and his upcoming surgery to amputate his right leg below the knee. I actually read it and was inspired by his words about Mike. A little over a month later, Mike started his own blog about his life change and how excited he was about it. I was again inspired. If Mike could talk about this and face this with so much hope and courage, I could do it too. It was my friends who made me realize the power of the internet for inspiration, support, and accountability. A day after Mike posted his first blog, I posted the beginning of my story. I linked it to Facebook and announced it to the world of almost all who know me. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I led off with a post that would prove to help others help me, it was titled, "How Can I Help."
I feared many things about posting my story. I feared that I would be bothering people with my texts about the link or Facebook updates. I didn't want to do it for attention and worried about that perception. I just wanted to gain the accountability of knowing that everyone was aware of my struggle and my mission, but instead something incredible happened. Many friends joined me in the fight. The words of encouragement, support, and information has helped me gain strength and impacted me deeply. I have considered it a blessing and have taken to heart each comment, knowing that you are behind me. I thank you all very much.
Through all of this, one territory remained. Tthere was one last place to hide - work. Yes, some people knew what I was doing at work, but not many. When you are in a leadership position of any kind, being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do. You often need to be tough, focused, and strong. However, I needed to let everyone in on my struggle and my focus. Finally, in the middle of April, I told our staff what I had been going through and that I vowed to make a change in my life. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. In the end, they responded with understanding and support. I am lucky to work with a great group of people.
I had all the major players on board, there was no choice but to refuse to lose. This support network has been a true inspiration and motivator. I consistently say to myself, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** This Saturday, I weighed in at 390.2 lbs, which is an elimination of 2.2 lbs for the week and a total of 42 lbs overall. I am happy to have passed the 40 lb marker, but I am focused on reaching my 10% reduction goal. I have had to keep my focus on fitness and nutrition over numbers. I continually stress to myself that it is not about the numbers, but about how I feel. Thanks again for all of your support. Have a great week!
Another obstacle was the question of "how do I want people to help?" Surely, I can't expect anyone to approach this with the same intensity and I don't want them to watch over me. I just need some support. I thought about this dilemma for a long time. It has been an issue that has created uncertainty amongst my friends and family. How can they help me?
At first, I didn't think anyone could help. I did not want to burden anyone with my problems. In some ways, I am an extremely private person, and my weight struggle is smack in the center of that privacy. At times I wondered, "Does anyone really care about this?" We all have so much going on, I don't want to burden my friends and family. However, they do care. They care more than I could ever imagine. Ultimately, I didn't know how their help should look, so I started slow, one step at a time.
First, I told Michele, my wonderful wife, that I was making this change. I told her about the program and what I intended to do. Needless to say, she was behind me and consistently has made sacrifices to make certain that I can get the help I need. She is the backbone of this operation and she has encouraged, tolerated, and supported every effort I have made to regain my life and fitness. Next, I told the two women who are cornerstones of my everyday life, Kris, who is one of my closest friends and a co-worker; and Mary who is my co-worker and guardian. Kris and I spend an inordinate amount of time together and eat at least one meal a day together. Outside of my wife, she has proven to be my MVP in many many ways. Mary is our building secretary and quite possibly a superhero. She guarded my door from allowing temptation to enter and derail my focus on nutrition and fitness. Mary and Kris would be pivotal in my early and continued success.
I asked Mary and Kris to help me by making sure no one brought tempting foods into my office to share. It wasn't because I wanted to be anti-social, but early in my fight I did not know what could or would trigger me to eat poorly, so I had to ban it all. Mary was especially effective at this, because she was at the point of attack, right outside of my office. She would banish pizzas, donuts, and cookie trays to the guidance office; everyone else knew it was there, but I was unaware of its presence due to her intervention. This was a tremendous help.
Kris kept a vigilant eye as well, but as our assistant principal, she was often out of the office, in the halls, in meetings, or in classrooms. In the midst of all of that, she was deeply invested in my cause. It took me about a month from the beginning of my journey to enlist her help, but her help was nothing short of powerful. Early in my fight, I sat in my office, engrossed in a parent meeting and I was missing a group lunch celebration, which was not unusual. Normally when I would miss something like this, someone would stop by after and tell me where the leftovers were and I would proceed to eat alone and too much due to being extremely hungry. However on this day, Kris was two steps ahead. As the parent left my office, I heard someone shout, "I'll tell him." and Kris immediately reply with "No. I got it." A minute or two later, she appeared with two plates of salad, fruit, and water. I can't say that I was excited, realizing that there was real food down the hall, but "I asked for this," I thought to myself.
First, let me say that the salad was very healthy and to my surprise it tasted amazing. Second, I went back for seconds and had no desire to have anything else. You may not be shocked, but I never had that feeling before about a salad. Kris and I had a healthy lunch together, talked work as usual, and went about the rest of our day. This moment was a catalyst for change. In the following days and weeks, Kris would bring in healthy lunches to share over and over again. This set me on a course to really look into my thoughts regarding nutrition and the foods I was eating. The foods she brought tasted amazing and were very healthy. She helped me get over some of the hardest temptations early on by showing me a different way to approach lunch. I began to think, "Help is good."
The next steps were out of necessity. Even though Kris and Mary were helping me and I had sworn them to secrecy, we needed to let others know that I was avoiding foods that were harmful. I expanded my circle of trust to include others at work and some of my closest friends, but I could not push it further. Let me rephrase this, I would not push it further. I feared the uncertain. If people knew about this would they feel guilty eating around me? I hope not, but it has happened before. If people knew about my efforts, would they still invite me to social events? I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or have to think too much about my problem. My biggest obstacle to letting more people in on the plan was the fear that if everyone knew what I was doing, then they would be watching. Guess what - they were watching anyway; but before they were watching me self-destruct. Everyone needd to know about my plan, so I could have a greater accountability in what I was doing. I needed to be out of the proverbial dieting closet - exposed as someone who has made a commitment to getting healthy and fit.
In the coming weeks and months, I took one step after the other: telling my parents, telling more friends, telling several co-workers, and everyone who brought me sweets at work. However, I still felt as though I was holding back. This brings me to the magic of Facebook. At the time, I had just joined Facebook and was really enjoying connecting with old friends and classmates from my hometown. They knew me when I was rockin the speedo at the Poland Swim Club and when I fronted the one night only performance of Heavy B and the Leddicks. It was almost as if I was remembering myself as I reconnected with old friends. A flood of positive memories came back to me as I found more and more people who I had lost touch with over the years. It was this social networking tool and the inspiration of one of the most courageous individuals I know that pushed me to do more and go further.
For two years, I have been mocking my friend Brent and his Wentworth Chronicles blog and Mike McD and his technology addiction. On February 25, 2010, Brent posted a blog titled, "Courage" it was about Mike and his upcoming surgery to amputate his right leg below the knee. I actually read it and was inspired by his words about Mike. A little over a month later, Mike started his own blog about his life change and how excited he was about it. I was again inspired. If Mike could talk about this and face this with so much hope and courage, I could do it too. It was my friends who made me realize the power of the internet for inspiration, support, and accountability. A day after Mike posted his first blog, I posted the beginning of my story. I linked it to Facebook and announced it to the world of almost all who know me. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I led off with a post that would prove to help others help me, it was titled, "How Can I Help."
I feared many things about posting my story. I feared that I would be bothering people with my texts about the link or Facebook updates. I didn't want to do it for attention and worried about that perception. I just wanted to gain the accountability of knowing that everyone was aware of my struggle and my mission, but instead something incredible happened. Many friends joined me in the fight. The words of encouragement, support, and information has helped me gain strength and impacted me deeply. I have considered it a blessing and have taken to heart each comment, knowing that you are behind me. I thank you all very much.
Through all of this, one territory remained. Tthere was one last place to hide - work. Yes, some people knew what I was doing at work, but not many. When you are in a leadership position of any kind, being vulnerable is a difficult thing to do. You often need to be tough, focused, and strong. However, I needed to let everyone in on my struggle and my focus. Finally, in the middle of April, I told our staff what I had been going through and that I vowed to make a change in my life. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. In the end, they responded with understanding and support. I am lucky to work with a great group of people.
I had all the major players on board, there was no choice but to refuse to lose. This support network has been a true inspiration and motivator. I consistently say to myself, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** This Saturday, I weighed in at 390.2 lbs, which is an elimination of 2.2 lbs for the week and a total of 42 lbs overall. I am happy to have passed the 40 lb marker, but I am focused on reaching my 10% reduction goal. I have had to keep my focus on fitness and nutrition over numbers. I continually stress to myself that it is not about the numbers, but about how I feel. Thanks again for all of your support. Have a great week!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley
The realization of my negative state of mind, produced shocking and scary thoughts. I firmly believe that if we believe we will fail - we will. If we allow negativity to permeate our thinking the proverbial dark cloud will follow us and make it nearly impossible for us to overcome great obstacles. I cannot succumb to the sense of "woe is me". I must turn this thought process around. If I can't turn this around internally, it's over before it begins. So the question arises: How do I turn my self-defeating mentality into quiet confidence and belief that I can do this, I can get healthy and fit? I knew that this whole process would be tough, but suddenly I realized that I was fighting for more than just my health, but for myself. The application of the anonymous quote, "anything worth having is worth fighting for" applies here. It is my turn to answer the bell and fight for my mentality and all that I believed I was and wanted to be in life. I thought that I had to get out of my comfort zone, my box, and listen to another perspective. Without regard to how touchy feely, weird, or ridiculous I felt it was, I began to follow the advice of my counselor.
First, I began to attend Weight Watcher (WW) meetings every Saturday morning. I never went to the actual meeting, but I had been back and forth to that same group so much over the past four years, they knew me by name, and I had developed a rapport with two of the ladies who took the weekly weigh-ins. I found myself getting personal attention and advice from them. They cheered my successes and gave me encouragement when I fell. They were always positive no matter what I had done that week. If I had gained, they would often share tips and stories of when they had a hard time and how they kept with it. If I had lost, no matter how little, they would celebrate with me. To this day, I have not gone to a single WW meeting; I simply weigh-in and leave, but that interaction is all I need.
The second piece of advice that I took was to begin saying two daily affirmations. Does anyone remember Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live? Al Franken played a strangely positive, yet bizarre self-help guru on this segment who seemed addicted to his affirmations. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me." was his favorite saying and he did so in a way to mock the whole self-help culture. This is a hilarious segment and something that I have done an impression of for years. However, I couldn't get past that image. Seriously, I'm going to look at myself and whisper sweet nothings into my own ear? I must be seriously cracked! Wait a minute. We do this all the time. I began to realize that this is just the act of making sure your self-talk isn't always negative. How many times have you looked in the mirror and said, I look awful. I am too fat. Or thought to yourself, this is too much. I can't do this. I can't..., won't..., am ... Our lives are filled with daily affirmations or destructive comments. A daily affirmation is simply taking the time to say something positive to yourself. It doesn't have to be hokey or even something you believe whole-heartedly, but it has to be something that you say that is positive to offset the destructive nature of your negative comments to yourself.
What if you don't believe it? This was my question when told this was something I needed to do. "It doesn't matter. You will eventually," was the response. This reminded me of something I heard years ago regarding politics and political viewpoints. I often wondered why politicians said outrageously polarizing and fear mongering comments when dealing with issues, so I asked about it in one of my classes at Youngstown State University. The response by my professor was that if you say it long enough and strong enough, people will believe it. It made total sense and it does again now. If you say it long enough and strong enough to yourself - you will believe it. That is how I became negative, that is how I will began to think differently about myself, and that is how I will begin to climb out of this hole. Now, I take a moment every day to look in the mirror and say two positive things to myself. They are too personal to share via internet, but I can attest that I am benefiting from a more positive mindset.
The next step was to incorporate an aspect of spirituality into my fight. As I drive to work everyday, I spend time in prayer. In doing so, I always ask God to help me stay focused on my health and fitness. I ask for the strength and focus to do what is right for my nutrition and family's health. This is important for two reasons. I say it as one of the first things I ask for because it helps me focus on these concepts and it allows me to realize that in order to take care of others, I must take care of myself. The second, but significantly more important concept is that I am asking for the power of God to intervene and to help me win this fight. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
No successful mission to gain self-confidence and positive self-speak is without a moment of great grace or success. My moment came in January on a rainy and cold night. I was working at the school, which is 35 minutes from home, and I was obsessing about a craving. This craving had haunted me all week long and was getting ready to erupt like a volcano. I had resisted the temptation to stop at this particular fast food place on the way to work, but it was about 7 o'clock and I was now starving for dinner. As I drove home, the battle raged within my head. I not only lost the battle, but went way overboard. I ordered way too much of this sandwich and did so without conscience. I didn't care at the moment. I just wanted to give in to this temptation. No thought of long-term impact or consequences were in my mind, just sweet relief from the obsession. As I was gorging in the parking lot on this food, I came to a realization. I can't really taste this. I was eating it so fast that the taste I was desiring was non-existent. So I slowed down. As I began to taste this food, I began to think, "this doesn't taste as good as I thought it would. I can't believe I am craving this." I heard myself say the words, "After this, I am done with fast food." Just like that, I finished the last of the items, threw the trash away and drove out of that parking lot. I have not eaten any fast food since. I have had my cravings, but resisted based on those feelings and experience of that night. I needed this in the worst way. This one success gave me a platform to rebuild my confidence in myself. Everyone needs a little success, I think that I found it and held on so dearly that it became a bigger impact than what it had been initially.
As I reported my success to my counselor and explained the events of that night, she asked me to read a book, "Addiction and Grace" by May. This book began to open my eyes further to the fight I was facing. She began to talk to me about my problem being an addiction, and as I read this book I observed some striking similarities. I do not believe that I am dealing with anything that resembles the grim realities of drug addiction, but in viewing my struggle in this light, I started to understand how to facilitate my plan in a greater, more specific way. I know more than ever that this was a struggle not just for me, but for all those who care about me. I continued to say to myself, "don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** As of yesterday morning, Saturday, May 21, 2010, I weighed in at 392.4 llbs. This marks an 2.8 lb elimination from the previous week and a 39.8 lb elimination overall. I am approximately 4 lbs away from meeting my 10% reduction in body weight. I am feeling great and have a great group of people in my life to thank for it! Have a great week!
First, I began to attend Weight Watcher (WW) meetings every Saturday morning. I never went to the actual meeting, but I had been back and forth to that same group so much over the past four years, they knew me by name, and I had developed a rapport with two of the ladies who took the weekly weigh-ins. I found myself getting personal attention and advice from them. They cheered my successes and gave me encouragement when I fell. They were always positive no matter what I had done that week. If I had gained, they would often share tips and stories of when they had a hard time and how they kept with it. If I had lost, no matter how little, they would celebrate with me. To this day, I have not gone to a single WW meeting; I simply weigh-in and leave, but that interaction is all I need.
The second piece of advice that I took was to begin saying two daily affirmations. Does anyone remember Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live? Al Franken played a strangely positive, yet bizarre self-help guru on this segment who seemed addicted to his affirmations. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me." was his favorite saying and he did so in a way to mock the whole self-help culture. This is a hilarious segment and something that I have done an impression of for years. However, I couldn't get past that image. Seriously, I'm going to look at myself and whisper sweet nothings into my own ear? I must be seriously cracked! Wait a minute. We do this all the time. I began to realize that this is just the act of making sure your self-talk isn't always negative. How many times have you looked in the mirror and said, I look awful. I am too fat. Or thought to yourself, this is too much. I can't do this. I can't..., won't..., am ... Our lives are filled with daily affirmations or destructive comments. A daily affirmation is simply taking the time to say something positive to yourself. It doesn't have to be hokey or even something you believe whole-heartedly, but it has to be something that you say that is positive to offset the destructive nature of your negative comments to yourself.
What if you don't believe it? This was my question when told this was something I needed to do. "It doesn't matter. You will eventually," was the response. This reminded me of something I heard years ago regarding politics and political viewpoints. I often wondered why politicians said outrageously polarizing and fear mongering comments when dealing with issues, so I asked about it in one of my classes at Youngstown State University. The response by my professor was that if you say it long enough and strong enough, people will believe it. It made total sense and it does again now. If you say it long enough and strong enough to yourself - you will believe it. That is how I became negative, that is how I will began to think differently about myself, and that is how I will begin to climb out of this hole. Now, I take a moment every day to look in the mirror and say two positive things to myself. They are too personal to share via internet, but I can attest that I am benefiting from a more positive mindset.
The next step was to incorporate an aspect of spirituality into my fight. As I drive to work everyday, I spend time in prayer. In doing so, I always ask God to help me stay focused on my health and fitness. I ask for the strength and focus to do what is right for my nutrition and family's health. This is important for two reasons. I say it as one of the first things I ask for because it helps me focus on these concepts and it allows me to realize that in order to take care of others, I must take care of myself. The second, but significantly more important concept is that I am asking for the power of God to intervene and to help me win this fight. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
No successful mission to gain self-confidence and positive self-speak is without a moment of great grace or success. My moment came in January on a rainy and cold night. I was working at the school, which is 35 minutes from home, and I was obsessing about a craving. This craving had haunted me all week long and was getting ready to erupt like a volcano. I had resisted the temptation to stop at this particular fast food place on the way to work, but it was about 7 o'clock and I was now starving for dinner. As I drove home, the battle raged within my head. I not only lost the battle, but went way overboard. I ordered way too much of this sandwich and did so without conscience. I didn't care at the moment. I just wanted to give in to this temptation. No thought of long-term impact or consequences were in my mind, just sweet relief from the obsession. As I was gorging in the parking lot on this food, I came to a realization. I can't really taste this. I was eating it so fast that the taste I was desiring was non-existent. So I slowed down. As I began to taste this food, I began to think, "this doesn't taste as good as I thought it would. I can't believe I am craving this." I heard myself say the words, "After this, I am done with fast food." Just like that, I finished the last of the items, threw the trash away and drove out of that parking lot. I have not eaten any fast food since. I have had my cravings, but resisted based on those feelings and experience of that night. I needed this in the worst way. This one success gave me a platform to rebuild my confidence in myself. Everyone needs a little success, I think that I found it and held on so dearly that it became a bigger impact than what it had been initially.
As I reported my success to my counselor and explained the events of that night, she asked me to read a book, "Addiction and Grace" by May. This book began to open my eyes further to the fight I was facing. She began to talk to me about my problem being an addiction, and as I read this book I observed some striking similarities. I do not believe that I am dealing with anything that resembles the grim realities of drug addiction, but in viewing my struggle in this light, I started to understand how to facilitate my plan in a greater, more specific way. I know more than ever that this was a struggle not just for me, but for all those who care about me. I continued to say to myself, "don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** As of yesterday morning, Saturday, May 21, 2010, I weighed in at 392.4 llbs. This marks an 2.8 lb elimination from the previous week and a 39.8 lb elimination overall. I am approximately 4 lbs away from meeting my 10% reduction in body weight. I am feeling great and have a great group of people in my life to thank for it! Have a great week!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Force From Within
I found that going to counseling was a great experience and the right way to jump start my program. During my sessions, I realized that a force from within was sabotaging me and was pushing me down a path of self-destruction. This force was my thought process, self-talk and self-image. This realization came as I was given suggestion after suggestion by my counselor as to how I could help improve my situation. As I heard myself explaining time after time, why things wouldn't work, why I couldn't lose weight, and why every suggestion was impossible for me to attempt; a freight train hit me. When did I become so negative? When did I focus on what couldn't be done? How have I strayed so far from the quotes that I hold dear and have driven me to succeed in life?
I enjoy finding inspiration, motivation, and encouragement through quotes. A select few have been the fueled me throughout my life. They have guided me through tough times and many challenges. They are the foundational phrases of how I approach a challenge. Below you will find the quotes that inspire me to succeed.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13
"Some men see things as they are and ask why? I dream things that never were and ask why not?”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The only thing we can do is play the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
- Charles Swindoll
"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."
- Vince Lombardi
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
- Jim Valvano
“Was it over when the Germans bombedPearl Harbor ?”
- Bluto (from Animal House) aka. John Belushi
I cannot find in any of these quotes any sense of self-defeat, self-pity, or negativity. Yet these concepts had infiltrated my thinking. My view of myself had changed so drastically because of my weight and my outward appearance that I could not say anything positive about myself to myself. On the outside, I tried to stay confident and brash, but on the inside, I was filled with doubt and self-disgust. What made matters worse, is that this thinking began to change who I was; it was attacking me from within. Before, I could change my nutrition and fitness levels, I had to change my thinking. The battle of negativity had to be fought and won.
During my first few sessions with my doctor, I consistently resisted ideas, strategies, and any nutritional advice. I felt that she was no guru and didn’t know anything about the subject. I kept thinking that she didn’t understand and the stuff she would say to do was so clichéd. Over the course of our first three sessions, basic concepts kept arising. In summary, she told me to stay away from high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), say a couple of daily affirmations, read a book (Addiction and Grace), go to Weight Watchers, and put myself first. My responses were simple, "not possible HFCS is in everything, that is ridiculous and too touchy feely for me, I don't have time, I hate those meetings because its only geared towards women and they talk about food the entire meeting, and I would love to, but I don't have time to worry about me." Yes, I actually said these things to her. As I consistently made these statements, she finally said to me, “do you really want my help?” I replied with a quick yes. Then she said, “I am the doctor, you are the patient. You need to do what I am telling you or this is a waste of our time.” Normally, I would fire back something mean and witty to let her know that I am in charge, but instead I took it and responded with a simple, “I’ll try. No, I will.”
I don’t know if she could decipher what I was really going on in my head, but I was protecting myself. If she had a code book to what I was saying, she would hear: I don't know if I can give up the foods that are staples in my life. I feel silly and weird saying a daily affirmation. What if I don't believe it? I would rather watch TV than read a book. I don't want to go, because in the past I struggled with getting connected and didn't find the help that I needed at Weight Watcher meetings, more often I found temptation. Plus, I don't want to get up early on Saturday to weigh in. Finally, I don't know how to put myself first. Will that make me seem arrogant or indifferent? I want to pull my own weight and make a difference in the lives of others. You can’t do that and put yourself first – can you?
Yet these statements did not come out. What came out was a stream of I can't, I'll try, that's not for me, I don't have time, that won't work because, and many more versions of negative thoughts. I came into the process saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to get healthy, because I want to be here for my children." However, that thinking was quickly choked out by negative, self-defeating, self-pitying, excuse ridden and destructive self-talk. I needed that verbal slap as a way to wake up and realize that I was mentally defeating myself.
How can anyone change if the enemy is inside of them? I had to give up some comfort and take things one step at a time. I began to take her advice and do things step by step. I wasn’t going to make a wholesale short-term change. I wanted this change to be real and lasting. In order for that to happen, I had to stay with it. I must refuse to give in. I won’t give up. I won’t ever give up.
***Weekly Update*** After another difficult week to stay on track, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read 395.2 on the scale yesterday morning. This is a 3.0 lb elimination from last week and an overall weight loss of 37 lbs to date. I am so thankful for all the encouraging words and posts. You guys have helped keep me going, THANK YOU!!!
I enjoy finding inspiration, motivation, and encouragement through quotes. A select few have been the fueled me throughout my life. They have guided me through tough times and many challenges. They are the foundational phrases of how I approach a challenge. Below you will find the quotes that inspire me to succeed.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9
"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
- Philippians 4:13
"Some men see things as they are and ask why? I dream things that never were and ask why not?”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The only thing we can do is play the one string that we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
- Charles Swindoll
"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."
- Vince Lombardi
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
- Jim Valvano
“Was it over when the Germans bombed
- Bluto (from Animal House) aka. John Belushi
I cannot find in any of these quotes any sense of self-defeat, self-pity, or negativity. Yet these concepts had infiltrated my thinking. My view of myself had changed so drastically because of my weight and my outward appearance that I could not say anything positive about myself to myself. On the outside, I tried to stay confident and brash, but on the inside, I was filled with doubt and self-disgust. What made matters worse, is that this thinking began to change who I was; it was attacking me from within. Before, I could change my nutrition and fitness levels, I had to change my thinking. The battle of negativity had to be fought and won.
During my first few sessions with my doctor, I consistently resisted ideas, strategies, and any nutritional advice. I felt that she was no guru and didn’t know anything about the subject. I kept thinking that she didn’t understand and the stuff she would say to do was so clichéd. Over the course of our first three sessions, basic concepts kept arising. In summary, she told me to stay away from high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), say a couple of daily affirmations, read a book (Addiction and Grace), go to Weight Watchers, and put myself first. My responses were simple, "not possible HFCS is in everything, that is ridiculous and too touchy feely for me, I don't have time, I hate those meetings because its only geared towards women and they talk about food the entire meeting, and I would love to, but I don't have time to worry about me." Yes, I actually said these things to her. As I consistently made these statements, she finally said to me, “do you really want my help?” I replied with a quick yes. Then she said, “I am the doctor, you are the patient. You need to do what I am telling you or this is a waste of our time.” Normally, I would fire back something mean and witty to let her know that I am in charge, but instead I took it and responded with a simple, “I’ll try. No, I will.”
I don’t know if she could decipher what I was really going on in my head, but I was protecting myself. If she had a code book to what I was saying, she would hear: I don't know if I can give up the foods that are staples in my life. I feel silly and weird saying a daily affirmation. What if I don't believe it? I would rather watch TV than read a book. I don't want to go, because in the past I struggled with getting connected and didn't find the help that I needed at Weight Watcher meetings, more often I found temptation. Plus, I don't want to get up early on Saturday to weigh in. Finally, I don't know how to put myself first. Will that make me seem arrogant or indifferent? I want to pull my own weight and make a difference in the lives of others. You can’t do that and put yourself first – can you?
Yet these statements did not come out. What came out was a stream of I can't, I'll try, that's not for me, I don't have time, that won't work because, and many more versions of negative thoughts. I came into the process saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to get healthy, because I want to be here for my children." However, that thinking was quickly choked out by negative, self-defeating, self-pitying, excuse ridden and destructive self-talk. I needed that verbal slap as a way to wake up and realize that I was mentally defeating myself.
How can anyone change if the enemy is inside of them? I had to give up some comfort and take things one step at a time. I began to take her advice and do things step by step. I wasn’t going to make a wholesale short-term change. I wanted this change to be real and lasting. In order for that to happen, I had to stay with it. I must refuse to give in. I won’t give up. I won’t ever give up.
***Weekly Update*** After another difficult week to stay on track, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read 395.2 on the scale yesterday morning. This is a 3.0 lb elimination from last week and an overall weight loss of 37 lbs to date. I am so thankful for all the encouraging words and posts. You guys have helped keep me going, THANK YOU!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Analyze This Part 2
So there I was staring down the notion that surgery was the only way out, realizing that it wasn't for me. I began to feel overwhelmed. I was bombarded with feelings of hopelessness and well-wishing for future miracles of modern medicine to take a way this burden. The thoughts of a magic pill to make this all happen flew around in my head as I contemplated my next steps. I began to doubt the validity of my plan. I began to doubt me, again. Who do I think I am? Come on do you really think you can create a plan that works when you failed on so many others? These doubts led to "woe is me wonder" where I was interrogating myself to understand why I couldn't just say no to food. As some folks know, I love to ask the big questions and I like to look behind actions to determine why people do what they do. So, I continued my internal quest of asking myself why I do what I do. However, I couldn't grasp it. I could not figure out why I was destroying myself with food. I couldn't answer the hundreds of questions I posed to myself. I needed to gain some insight and then deal with the root causes of my food and weight issues. If I can't do it, then I know who can help me. I needed to drop the pride and do something that I feared. I made an appointment to see a psychologist.
The process of finding a psychologist who could help me with my situation was extraordinarily difficult. People didn't know how to respond when I said that I was looking for someone to help me understand why I felt an obsession or controlled by food. They sort of avoided the topic and wanted to put me into a box that they could define. Here is a summary of multiple initial conversations with schedulers:
"Are you bulemic?"
"No."
"Are you anorexic?"
"No... I am looking for someone to help me find my patterns, triggers, and underlying causes as to why I go to food for comfort and happiness; boredom and activity; rain or shine."
"Oh, I'm not sure that we do that."
"What the hell!?" crossed my mind several times during these calls. America is dying from obesity and no one can help me figure out my behavioral patterns that lead to obesity.
I began to think that these people did not realize how difficult it is for someone to call for counseling. This isn't like going to the doctor for a checkup or illness (although, I have to be forced to do that at times). A psychologist is out of the norm for many people. The images that this foreign process conjures up in our heads scare even the strongest and most secure person. It makes us deal with our lack of control and in many ways, it feels creepy to divulge personal information to someone who does not know us and may be judging us.
Add into this equation my background. I reference the tough mentality of Youngstown, OH as a strength as to who I am; however in this piece of my plan it was a hindrance. I felt that going to a psychologist would represent great weakness. Am I displaying a lack of mental toughness? Can't I just get over this on my own? A Youngstown therapy session would be your parents, friends, or a coach/mentor chewing you out and telling you to suck it up and work your way out of it. Get tough! Quit being a wimp! Suck it up! (If you are from Youngstown you are either nodding your head or chuckling thinking of an example in your past). I heard these phrases in my head over and over. This mentality has provided me great strength in this process and has put me smack dab where I am today; but to see a counselor with this in your belief system - extremely difficult.
Even with the ghosts of Youngstown trying to psych me up to think I can do this on my own, I continued to call other counselors. After making far too many calls to locate help, I found two people who would take my appointment. One appointment I kept and the other I didn't. Why did I go to one and not the other? The initial appointment was so difficult for me to attend and go through that I couldn't put myself through that process again. The first person I met with became my counselor by default- not by fit.
I took this step as a means to address two of my points or pillars of my plan. If I could gain insight into the reasons why I am self-destructing, then I would have a solid grasp on the behavioral and mental points to my plan. However, I found so much more than a clinical view. Jumping over this hurdle and through going to counseling, I found the person that I could be, and the beginning of the way to get him back. I was gaining strength through action and didn't realize it. Overall, I was still struggling, but I realized that my spirit was telling me, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** After stumbling mid-week, I have experienced another elimination of .8 lbs. This brings my overall total to 34 lbs eliminated. I now weigh 398.2 lbs. Losing .8 lbs is a bit of a mental discouragement, but I must stay focused on how I am feeling and the realization that this is a journey for health. Sometimes, I lose sight and get sucked into believing that this is a numbers game, but it truly is not. The numbers motivate me and help me to experience success, but the numbers will come as I make the changes to create a better life. Ultimately, I didn't put this on in a day and I won't take it off in a day. I continue to approach this one step at a time. I refuse to focus on an end goal (in fact I haven't even set it), because it can be discouraging and daunting to think of this as a big process or a big task. Instead, I am refusing to look past my next goal of a 10% reduction in body weight (388.8 lbs). It is then and only then, when I will decide on my next benchmark goal.
The process of finding a psychologist who could help me with my situation was extraordinarily difficult. People didn't know how to respond when I said that I was looking for someone to help me understand why I felt an obsession or controlled by food. They sort of avoided the topic and wanted to put me into a box that they could define. Here is a summary of multiple initial conversations with schedulers:
"Are you bulemic?"
"No."
"Are you anorexic?"
"No... I am looking for someone to help me find my patterns, triggers, and underlying causes as to why I go to food for comfort and happiness; boredom and activity; rain or shine."
"Oh, I'm not sure that we do that."
"What the hell!?" crossed my mind several times during these calls. America is dying from obesity and no one can help me figure out my behavioral patterns that lead to obesity.
I began to think that these people did not realize how difficult it is for someone to call for counseling. This isn't like going to the doctor for a checkup or illness (although, I have to be forced to do that at times). A psychologist is out of the norm for many people. The images that this foreign process conjures up in our heads scare even the strongest and most secure person. It makes us deal with our lack of control and in many ways, it feels creepy to divulge personal information to someone who does not know us and may be judging us.
Add into this equation my background. I reference the tough mentality of Youngstown, OH as a strength as to who I am; however in this piece of my plan it was a hindrance. I felt that going to a psychologist would represent great weakness. Am I displaying a lack of mental toughness? Can't I just get over this on my own? A Youngstown therapy session would be your parents, friends, or a coach/mentor chewing you out and telling you to suck it up and work your way out of it. Get tough! Quit being a wimp! Suck it up! (If you are from Youngstown you are either nodding your head or chuckling thinking of an example in your past). I heard these phrases in my head over and over. This mentality has provided me great strength in this process and has put me smack dab where I am today; but to see a counselor with this in your belief system - extremely difficult.
Even with the ghosts of Youngstown trying to psych me up to think I can do this on my own, I continued to call other counselors. After making far too many calls to locate help, I found two people who would take my appointment. One appointment I kept and the other I didn't. Why did I go to one and not the other? The initial appointment was so difficult for me to attend and go through that I couldn't put myself through that process again. The first person I met with became my counselor by default- not by fit.
I took this step as a means to address two of my points or pillars of my plan. If I could gain insight into the reasons why I am self-destructing, then I would have a solid grasp on the behavioral and mental points to my plan. However, I found so much more than a clinical view. Jumping over this hurdle and through going to counseling, I found the person that I could be, and the beginning of the way to get him back. I was gaining strength through action and didn't realize it. Overall, I was still struggling, but I realized that my spirit was telling me, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** After stumbling mid-week, I have experienced another elimination of .8 lbs. This brings my overall total to 34 lbs eliminated. I now weigh 398.2 lbs. Losing .8 lbs is a bit of a mental discouragement, but I must stay focused on how I am feeling and the realization that this is a journey for health. Sometimes, I lose sight and get sucked into believing that this is a numbers game, but it truly is not. The numbers motivate me and help me to experience success, but the numbers will come as I make the changes to create a better life. Ultimately, I didn't put this on in a day and I won't take it off in a day. I continue to approach this one step at a time. I refuse to focus on an end goal (in fact I haven't even set it), because it can be discouraging and daunting to think of this as a big process or a big task. Instead, I am refusing to look past my next goal of a 10% reduction in body weight (388.8 lbs). It is then and only then, when I will decide on my next benchmark goal.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Analyze This Part 1
Now that I had my plan and I surrendered myself to making and being open to change, I began my first steps to a new life. As I looked at my plan, it inspired me, but it also seemed huge. How could I ever accomplish this? How should these 7 points look in practice? How can I change?
***Weekly Update*** As of this post, I have weighed in at 399.0 lbs. This is a 2.2 lb elimination from last week and at total elimination of 33.2 lbs since I began my journey. I can't believe that I am happy to be in the 300s, but I will take it for now.
This takes me to my first benchmark goal of getting under 400 lbs! My second goal is to get to 389.0 lbs, which will mark the loss of slightly more than 10% of my starting body weight. Thanks for all the kind words and prayers. It definitely paid off this week as I struggled to stay focused and really felt the enormity of this process.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I'm Giving Up!
In order for my plan to work and before I could take action, I realized that I had to give up. I had to give up my belief that I had been there done that. I had to give up my doubts and my negative thoughts about myself. I had to give up my ability to rationalize unhealthy behavior. I had to give up my personal notion that I knew more than the experts. I had to be willing to get uncomfortable in this process and then accept a new normal in my approach to eating and fitness. I had to give up and come to the realization that what I knew was not enough to produce real change in my life. Sure, I have lost weight before, but I have never produced the long-term change it takes to stay healthy.
I often thought that I had enough experience going through so many programs and methods that I could coach anyone to lose weight. I also thought that I could do it, if I really wanted to do it. This was a total act of lying to myself. I desperately wanted to be fit, but felt powerless to make another attempt. I convinced myself that I was waiting for motivation, inspiration, or an ultimatum from my doctor that would scare me straight. In my eyes, these moments never came; but the road was paved with warning signs. I kept seeing the signs, but hoping for something more, something monumental that would bring it all together. I now realize that this was inspirational Russian roulette; hoping the inspiration arrives before the bullet. I now believe that "Rocky moments" are few and far between in life. Frankly, I am wondering if they are real at all. This process to gain a higher quality of life is hard and is often void of inspiration. Yet, it has to be hard because the reward is worth it.
This concept of giving up proved to be a major challenge for me in many ways. I felt as though I knew a lot about weight loss. When you ride the yo-yo (previous post) like I had for 20+ years, I began to believe that I was very knowledgeable and knew it all. But since I perceived that I knew so much, I became hopeless about my lack of weight loss. My thinking spiraled downward into negativity, self spin or escape. I found flaws- some valid- in every line of thought, program, or effort to lose weight. The big question remained; buried deep inside, it kept rising up no matter how hard I tried to bury it. If I knew so damn much and had all this knowledge, why couldn't I change?!?
I then attempted to actively fool myself into believing things weren't as bad as I thought or that the problems could disappear. I was only trying to hide my past failure. Let me use a football analogy to explain my thinking, I was down by 28 points heading into the half and I was waiting for a moment to bring it all together. Instead of embracing the opportunity to have a monumental comeback, I kept internally destroying every method I observed, heard, and thought of to take action. In reality, I was at 432.2 lbs and 37 years old; I was insane to believe that by sudden inspiration or my cynicism I would find a path victory. Finally, I gave up.
It was in the acknowledgment of my shortcomings and my reality, that I reached out for help. And help, as I am finding out, is a powerful thing! The help I am referring to is through many special people. Some help by their example, some by their focus, some through their expertise, and some through their undying support. Why didn't I ask for help sooner? I will attempt to explain.
I have always viewed asking for help as weakness. I preached a great game about not being too proud (or stupid) to ask for help, but I have always been focused on carrying my own weight (no pun intended). Whether I was at work, in sports, in school, or in life, I wanted to be strong and dependable, a leader, self-sufficient, and someone who inspired others. I never wanted to burden anyone. I wanted to be a self made man in every aspect of life. Yet, my pride was burdening everyone in my life with the thought that Brian is slowly killing himself through obesity. I was down 28 points in the second quarter and was telling everyone that we would pull this thing out no problem. They didn't buy it, neither did I. I realized, it was time to give up.
Now that I had given up; I could begin my fight. And once I committed to this fight the words of Jim Valvano began to echo in my head, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** I am excited to report that I have eliminated 4.6 lbs this week and weigh 401.2 lbs. That is a total of 31 lbs since I began making changes in my life. However, this has been a tough week as temptation has been everywhere. If you think of it, please say a prayer for my continued strength and focus on my health. Thank you!
I often thought that I had enough experience going through so many programs and methods that I could coach anyone to lose weight. I also thought that I could do it, if I really wanted to do it. This was a total act of lying to myself. I desperately wanted to be fit, but felt powerless to make another attempt. I convinced myself that I was waiting for motivation, inspiration, or an ultimatum from my doctor that would scare me straight. In my eyes, these moments never came; but the road was paved with warning signs. I kept seeing the signs, but hoping for something more, something monumental that would bring it all together. I now realize that this was inspirational Russian roulette; hoping the inspiration arrives before the bullet. I now believe that "Rocky moments" are few and far between in life. Frankly, I am wondering if they are real at all. This process to gain a higher quality of life is hard and is often void of inspiration. Yet, it has to be hard because the reward is worth it.
This concept of giving up proved to be a major challenge for me in many ways. I felt as though I knew a lot about weight loss. When you ride the yo-yo (previous post) like I had for 20+ years, I began to believe that I was very knowledgeable and knew it all. But since I perceived that I knew so much, I became hopeless about my lack of weight loss. My thinking spiraled downward into negativity, self spin or escape. I found flaws- some valid- in every line of thought, program, or effort to lose weight. The big question remained; buried deep inside, it kept rising up no matter how hard I tried to bury it. If I knew so damn much and had all this knowledge, why couldn't I change?!?
I then attempted to actively fool myself into believing things weren't as bad as I thought or that the problems could disappear. I was only trying to hide my past failure. Let me use a football analogy to explain my thinking, I was down by 28 points heading into the half and I was waiting for a moment to bring it all together. Instead of embracing the opportunity to have a monumental comeback, I kept internally destroying every method I observed, heard, and thought of to take action. In reality, I was at 432.2 lbs and 37 years old; I was insane to believe that by sudden inspiration or my cynicism I would find a path victory. Finally, I gave up.
It was in the acknowledgment of my shortcomings and my reality, that I reached out for help. And help, as I am finding out, is a powerful thing! The help I am referring to is through many special people. Some help by their example, some by their focus, some through their expertise, and some through their undying support. Why didn't I ask for help sooner? I will attempt to explain.
I have always viewed asking for help as weakness. I preached a great game about not being too proud (or stupid) to ask for help, but I have always been focused on carrying my own weight (no pun intended). Whether I was at work, in sports, in school, or in life, I wanted to be strong and dependable, a leader, self-sufficient, and someone who inspired others. I never wanted to burden anyone. I wanted to be a self made man in every aspect of life. Yet, my pride was burdening everyone in my life with the thought that Brian is slowly killing himself through obesity. I was down 28 points in the second quarter and was telling everyone that we would pull this thing out no problem. They didn't buy it, neither did I. I realized, it was time to give up.
Now that I had given up; I could begin my fight. And once I committed to this fight the words of Jim Valvano began to echo in my head, "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."
***Weekly Update*** I am excited to report that I have eliminated 4.6 lbs this week and weigh 401.2 lbs. That is a total of 31 lbs since I began making changes in my life. However, this has been a tough week as temptation has been everywhere. If you think of it, please say a prayer for my continued strength and focus on my health. Thank you!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
7 Points to Victory - The Plan
***As I explain my plan, I want to preface everything by saying that I am not an expert, but I am being guided by experts. However, this is what I believe I need to do in order to produce a real change in my life.***
Have you ever come across the person who could stop addictions, habits, or living trends cold turkey? They have no use or need of support systems or programs. These "cold turkeys" do one thing, in the words of Droopy Dog, "they make me mad". Believe it or not, I actually come from a line of these cold turkeys. My grandfather successfully quit alcohol and smoking; and my parents quit smoking; not without some struggle, but they overcame their addictions to find greener pastures. I always hoped I could be one of these cold turkeys when it came to my food issues. However, being a cold turkey was not to be a part of my path in life.
I do believe that as a part of this life we are meant to struggle and through that struggle we become stronger. Just like the old adage, "that which does not kill me, can only make me stronger." For the first time, I am seeing my struggle as an opportunity to become a better person, a better father, a better husband, a better friend, and better role model. I am fighting this battle that I may live a higher quality of life, but I find it interesting that I am finding more reasons every day as I continue my fight. As promised here is the plan, and my path to its discovery. This plan is designed with one purpose- to bring about real change in my life.
In December, 2009, as I sat at my computer, I was playing an online game called Evony. I remember waiting on my troops to attack an opponent and I began to think about the process I used to coordinate this attack. I would love to tell you that I designed this plan through some amazing opportunity, through some life changing experience, or that I was on a beach at sunrise and God spoke to me, but its not that fantastic or romantic. It happened in the trenches of my pathetic attempts to maintain childhood. LOL! My train of thought on this does not necessarily follow normal standard trains, as I like to say, "follow the crazy, if you can." As, I was waiting for my attack to hit, I began to think about the amount of coordination and different types of fighting units needed to win a battle in this game. Then, I began to think about how difficult it was to synchronize all these units, which led to me wondering why it was so difficult to synchronize the clocks in my house. Then, I thought; I really should be doing some projects around the house, instead of wasting time at the computer (my wife could not agree more). I have to shovel the driveway at least. Also, if I shovel, that would be great exercise, but it could give me a heart attack too. I bet I could just exercise by going for a walk. No, its too cold. I would have to get dressed in layers just to go for a walk, and I probably couldn't walk for very long. Its just not worth the hassle. I need to get in shape, but its so hard. ("That's what she said." beat you to it!) I don't need to just get into shape, I need to change how I live. How do I change habits that have been established over 37 years? BINGO!!! I finally thought something worth thinking. It is my million dollar question. How do I change??? I kept asking myself that question over and over. I stood up and began to sketch the areas of life that I have to address in order to produce a real change in my quality of life and develop healthy habits. This is what I wrote on the board.
In no particular order:
1. Infrastructure: I need to create an infrastructure of support. I need people to support me, to know what I am doing, and stay with me as I struggle in this fight.
2. Behavioral: I need to address my behavior. I need someone to help me identify the triggers, patterns, and factors involved in my past failures and current behavior.
3. Mental: I need to adjust my mindset. Overall, I have a negative outlook on food and my relationship with it. I need questions answered: Why do I do this? What I am I trying to get from food? Why I am I causing my own self destruction?
4. Physical: I need to address the physical aspects of fitness. I need to reexamine what I know about fitness and exercise. I need someone who can push me and keep me going, when I can only think of quitting.
5. Nutritional: I need to address my nutrition levels. The food I was putting in my mouth was not giving me energy, it was sapping the little energy that I had; and it held some strange addictive powers. I kept wanting more and more of the bad stuff and the healthy options always tasted, well unappetizing.
6. Medical: I need to maintain a level of medical supervision and safety. Too often, I have engaged in fad diets, supplements, and dangerous practices to drop weight, and I needed someone to steer me in a healthy direction. This also would function as a support when I started to plateau; it can reveal the unseen benefits of what I was doing and buoy my efforts in those tough phases.
7. Spiritual: I needed to address my spiritual side. If I did not lean on the power of God to produce real change, I was ultimately alone and potentially powerless. I decided that part of my fight had to be done in prayer.
After I was done, my Evony attack landed and victory was claimed, but I really just stared at the marker board. I thought about all the programs I had utilized in my past. I spent time thinking about what worked, what was good, what was flawed, and how I responded to each aspect. I developed a strong feeling that if I was meant to change my behavior, my thought process, and my health, that this was my only hope. That feeling began to turn to confidence and a sneaky feeling that I had stumbled upon something that had never been in my past programs. It was the beginnings of a program designed for me, not just part of me (physical, nutritional, or behavioral), but for all of me.
I believe that changing me is the hardest task I have to accomplish. It is the scary skeleton in my closet. I could change jobs, houses, cities, become a father three times, and experience life, but I was afraid to change myself. However, the habits that had become so comforting, safe, and at times defined me, were also slowly choking the life out of me. If I changed, I was challenged with the thought of losing a group of adjectives that had become synonymous with who I was...big, fat, chunky, chubby, thick, fluffy, pleasantly plump, or even morbidly obese. Unfortunately, I have attributed a lot, if not all, of who I am to these labels. However, I must, can and will embrace this change. I will move toward a new life with fear, anticipation, anxiety, and hope that I can be defined without those labels. This is a new challenge with a tough battle, but I believe that those seven points I have gathered will lead me to victory. I firmly believe that all of us have the ability to overcome great obstacles and whatever challenge you may face in your life, you can beat it as well. Just remember, don't let it get the best of you, fight with all that you have, and don't give up, don't ever give up.
Have a great week!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Riding the Yo-Yo
A month before I saw that dreaded number of 432.2, I put together a plan to produce a real change in my lifestyle. A plan to produce real weight loss and get myself healthy. This plan came from a wide range of experiences in the dieting world. Although the experiences varied, they were unsuccessful for multiple reasons. In this post, I share most of these programs and methods that I have experienced. I am not an expert by any means, but through these opportunities, I gained a pretty strong perspective on what I should do and what I should not do. This may not be my most uplifting post, but it is a reality for myself and an important piece of who I am and my plan.
My dieting journey started when I was about 11 years old. My doctor gave my mom a diet plan that is similar to the diabetic diet. At 11 years old, I wasn't slim and I wasn't obese, but I wanted to be thinner. I didn't like being considered fat by other kids and adults. I had become very conscious about how I was viewed and fitting into the mold that didn't get you made fun of or looked at differently. Guess what? Didn't work. The next plan was Weight Watchers (WW) at age 12. It was too difficult for a kid and really not geared for one either. This program was very different than the WW plan of today. Over the next year or two, I intermittently took diet pills in secret with little success. Then slim fast, which lasted less than a week. I mean seriously, that "delicious shake" tasted grainy and was like a milkshake prelude to a real meal.
The first two years of high school, I didn't really worry about dieting. My hope was that I would hit a growth spurt and it would all go away - it didn't and I kept gaining weight. However, towards the end of my junior year I received "the challenge". My football coach challenged me to lose weight and get down under 200 from 235 in order to be considered for playing time going into the season. I did everything possible to lose weight with a very limited knowledge of what I should do, eat, and how I should exercise. I wanted to play football more than anything else and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I kept working out with the team, but then began taking diet pills, missing meals, wearing plastic sweat suits to get the weight off. Luckily, nothing damaging happened to me, but I was only able to shed 20 lbs before the season - failed. I want to stop here for a moment. Does anyone see anything wrong with giving a teenager this challenge without any guidance? Kids blindly follow those who they look up to and this person gave little concern to how I was losing weight or what the consequences would be if it goes wrong. I would have done anything to take the weight off and I was engaging in some dangerous behaviors to make it happen. Overall, I am glad that "the challenge" did not work, except for paying up on a side bet.
I bet a friend that I would make the weight. The stakes, if I won he would have to have my number shaved in his hair, if I lost I would have his number shaved in my hair. Needless to say, I hated having that 61 carved into my hair. However, I earned playing time during some games of my senior year, after I recovered from a serious car accident, which is another story for another day.
My high school years end with a different doctor recommending me to take Fen-Phen. I remember my mom getting angry and moving our family out of that practice. I couldn't understand why. If the drug could help me and make this problem go away, then let's do it. Thank God for my mom! Fen-Phen was later considered dangerous and linked to a variety of serious birth defects in the children of those who took this drug. Thanks again mom!
During my college years, I tried to watch what I was eating and the amount of food I was taking in and I stayed in the 250 to 275 range. I had an extended tour of college with a couple of stops on the way. I went to Youngstown State University (YSU) for a year and wanted to be a college football coach, but that gave way to the belief that I was destined to be a pastor. Some of you know this and remember my enthusiasm; and those that know me now have just passed out. The karaoke icon - a pastor?!?! Yep, its true, but the reality is that it didn't take. That was not my path in life. I believe that God leads us in a lot of different directions, but we don't know why at the time. Later it may be revealed to us, but no guarantees. I left YSU for Pensacola, Florida and Pensacola Christian College (PCC). I spent three years at PCC only to realize that my calling was in education. I transferred back to YSU with enough credits to be a senior, but not having any that applied to my program. This meant that I would have to work almost four more years to get my degree in education to become a social studies teacher and football coach.
The first three years of my return to YSU, I stayed steady at the 270 - 290 mark. But I was still trying to lose weight. I was bouncing back and forth trying fad diet after fad diet: the 3-Day Diet, more slim fast, starvation cycles, I was exposed to the cabbage soup diet, and the revolutionary Atkins diet; only to gain back and then some when all was said and done. During this time, I also worked with a nutritionist and I started to gain information that would be imperative for true weight loss. Unfortunately, when someone starts telling me something radically different than what I am used to and comfortable with, the natural reaction is to not believe, resist, or twist the information to meet my comfortable parameters. I did this and eventually abandoned the nutritionist. In the spring of my last year at YSU and that following summer, I had a back injury from work that severely limited my ability to be active. I then had to fight for a year to get the appropriate treatment with the Bureau for Workers' Compensation and people who I thought cared about me. At the same time, I believe that I was battling through depression (self-diagnosed) as I struggled to find a job coaching or teaching. During this struggle, I turned to food for comfort and I saw my weight skyrocket to 370 lbs. All this before I would even enter the classroom as a professional teacher.
After I went to court and won, I was able to get the appropriate treatment for my back, which ended up being surgery and physical therapy. I spent more time on Atkins, experimenting with my own ideas, and then I ran into another "miracle drug" - Xenadrine. I say this completely tongue in cheek. As this was popular in a lot of weight loss supplements. I took Xenadrine for about three weeks, lost 25 lbs, and had a doctor immediately remove me from it, due to extremely high blood pressure and heart rate. Oh well, it kind of worked. Shortly after my doctor intervened, Xenadrine was pulled from the shelves as people were hurt from its effects. I went to another nutritionist again with no success and then tried a program that will forever be know as Fat People Anonymous (FPA) for two reasons. One, I can't remember the real name. Two, I referred to the program as FPA to entertain my friends and share with them some of the stuff that I experienced in this program, it seemed fitting. FPA was a program through The Ohio State University and seemed to be a precursor to getting gastric bypass surgery. This program was about $700 for twelve weeks and included group meetings, two sessions with a behavioral counselor, supplements, and a couple of sessions with a nutritionist. This program was a flop for me and all but one person in the group. I think it was a flop because of the lack of individualization, the readiness levels of the group, and the lack of connection with the counselors. However, this was the first time that I believed there was more to weight loss than just diet and exercise. I just needed a break after this program. I started to think that the multiple failures meant something. I began to accept the belief that I was meant to be big. I would think to myself, "maybe I'm just different that way. I think I need to embrace who I am." So I did. I became proud of what I could eat.
As I became an assistant principal, I remember using food as a stress reliever. This lead to me taking on and promoting food challenges and never losing. I would eat it all and look for more; and for a short time, I was able to keep my weight in check. If any of you watch the show Man v. Food, I could have buried that guy.
As I was taking down these food challenges, a new reality show hit the airwaves, The Biggest Loser. What an amazing inspirational show for health and weight loss! Is it realistic though? The people on there are in a bubble, they don't have to deal with the world. Wait!!! Maybe that's what I need, I could be on that show - I'm going for it! I'm going back to Cali, Cali, I'm going back to Cali - hmmm, I don't think so. What am I thinking?!?! I can't leave my home, job, and family for months to do this; how will I pay the mortgage? No, this isn't the path for me. Even though, I firmly believe that I would have become the next "IT" guy for Hollywood. This would eventually land me some cameos, then TV/movie roles, but then eventually on the Belushi/Farley path. Nope, I'm not going to be the next E True Hollywood Story.
I digress, the people on this show made me realize one thing; this weight can come off. Shortly after this show started airing, I began to see more shows pop up that dealt with obesity success stories and then The Biggest Loser challenges started at work. We decided to put some money on the line and get in shape as an administrative team. We all ponied up about $50 and began the challenge. I opted for another go at Weight Watchers (WW) and I was fired up and ready to go. In the end, I won! I took all those punks down. Its over, right? I kept going, right? Unfortunately, no.
I soon put the weight back on and then some. I remember a good friend telling me a year later, that I should be ashamed of myself for putting the weight back on. I laughed it off, but behind the laugh I was more than ashamed. I had started to hate myself, not dislike, hate. I began to lose belief in myself, my abilities, my control, and my worth as a person. My career was booming, but I was hurting like never before and I worked hard at making sure no one could know my pain. How did I do it? I got funnier, more outrageous, put on a front of total confidence and focus, and I consumed myself with my career. If everyone saw how successful I was, then everyone will be proud of me, everyone will forget about my size, that is what I wanted, right?. Wrong! I wanted to gain approval from myself. Ironically, the approval from others came, my career soared and I found that my internal dialogue did not change. I also discovered that it could counteract any external positives. No matter what anyone said, I was still fat and that was how I defined myself. God, I hate that word. No other word brings up such fear, loathing, and discomfort for me than fat.
In a plot twist, it was this negative self speak that triggered something in me, it kept eating at me, I could not get rid of this one instinct - to FIGHT! Let me explain, I grew up in a very nice suburb of a tough steel town (also a mob town), and suburb or city, you learn three things growing up in Youngstown, Ohio: loyalty, work ethic, and don't go down without a fight. Now, combine that will to fight, with the experience-based knowledge that I had gained, and perspective from two more reality shows that dealt with addiction, and I had the inspiration and know how to develop a plan.
Before I go down this road, I am not comfortable saying I am dealing with an addiction that is anywhere near as powerful as drug addiction, but I do see some similarities. Watching how these people battled substance abuse made me think. Almost everything I have done to fight my battle with obesity has been limited, single or double faceted. Since I see similarities in my condition, with those who are battling substance addiction, why not incorporate a more whole person approach? It obviously wouldn't be the same, but what if I put every concept together that I have experienced (that were healthy and positive) and added some pieces that would support real change in my life? After all, the hardest thing to do for a person is to change their behaviors, habits, and way of thinking. It hit me. This can't be done with one method. It has to be done with all methods in a coordinated effort. My battle is not just with what and how I eat, my level of exercise/activity, my behavior, or my mind and its workings; its with all of it. That is the epiphany I had while sitting at the computer, playing a game, listening to the song about 10,000 lightening bugs giving me a thousand hugs. Creepy, doesn't this guy have any raid or a wiffle ball bat?
Now I realize that this is not my funniest post and please know that I am not looking for any sympathy. Sympathy actually makes me uncomfortable and I am in such a good place now that it would irritate me. I am putting this out there, because it is a part of my process of going from here to there. If anything look at this post through the lens of the old proverb, "it is always darkest before the dawn". Because I'm coming back baby!
Weight Update: As of April 10, 2010, I weighed in at 407.6 lbs; a loss of 6.6 lbs for the week and a total of 24.6 lbs since that fateful day. More importantly, I am feeling better and getting stronger.
My next post, will start to give you a look into the plan and some of the successes that are coming out of it. Until then, I hope everyone enjoys life and has a great week. And remember, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
My dieting journey started when I was about 11 years old. My doctor gave my mom a diet plan that is similar to the diabetic diet. At 11 years old, I wasn't slim and I wasn't obese, but I wanted to be thinner. I didn't like being considered fat by other kids and adults. I had become very conscious about how I was viewed and fitting into the mold that didn't get you made fun of or looked at differently. Guess what? Didn't work. The next plan was Weight Watchers (WW) at age 12. It was too difficult for a kid and really not geared for one either. This program was very different than the WW plan of today. Over the next year or two, I intermittently took diet pills in secret with little success. Then slim fast, which lasted less than a week. I mean seriously, that "delicious shake" tasted grainy and was like a milkshake prelude to a real meal.
The first two years of high school, I didn't really worry about dieting. My hope was that I would hit a growth spurt and it would all go away - it didn't and I kept gaining weight. However, towards the end of my junior year I received "the challenge". My football coach challenged me to lose weight and get down under 200 from 235 in order to be considered for playing time going into the season. I did everything possible to lose weight with a very limited knowledge of what I should do, eat, and how I should exercise. I wanted to play football more than anything else and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I kept working out with the team, but then began taking diet pills, missing meals, wearing plastic sweat suits to get the weight off. Luckily, nothing damaging happened to me, but I was only able to shed 20 lbs before the season - failed. I want to stop here for a moment. Does anyone see anything wrong with giving a teenager this challenge without any guidance? Kids blindly follow those who they look up to and this person gave little concern to how I was losing weight or what the consequences would be if it goes wrong. I would have done anything to take the weight off and I was engaging in some dangerous behaviors to make it happen. Overall, I am glad that "the challenge" did not work, except for paying up on a side bet.
I bet a friend that I would make the weight. The stakes, if I won he would have to have my number shaved in his hair, if I lost I would have his number shaved in my hair. Needless to say, I hated having that 61 carved into my hair. However, I earned playing time during some games of my senior year, after I recovered from a serious car accident, which is another story for another day.
My high school years end with a different doctor recommending me to take Fen-Phen. I remember my mom getting angry and moving our family out of that practice. I couldn't understand why. If the drug could help me and make this problem go away, then let's do it. Thank God for my mom! Fen-Phen was later considered dangerous and linked to a variety of serious birth defects in the children of those who took this drug. Thanks again mom!
During my college years, I tried to watch what I was eating and the amount of food I was taking in and I stayed in the 250 to 275 range. I had an extended tour of college with a couple of stops on the way. I went to Youngstown State University (YSU) for a year and wanted to be a college football coach, but that gave way to the belief that I was destined to be a pastor. Some of you know this and remember my enthusiasm; and those that know me now have just passed out. The karaoke icon - a pastor?!?! Yep, its true, but the reality is that it didn't take. That was not my path in life. I believe that God leads us in a lot of different directions, but we don't know why at the time. Later it may be revealed to us, but no guarantees. I left YSU for Pensacola, Florida and Pensacola Christian College (PCC). I spent three years at PCC only to realize that my calling was in education. I transferred back to YSU with enough credits to be a senior, but not having any that applied to my program. This meant that I would have to work almost four more years to get my degree in education to become a social studies teacher and football coach.
The first three years of my return to YSU, I stayed steady at the 270 - 290 mark. But I was still trying to lose weight. I was bouncing back and forth trying fad diet after fad diet: the 3-Day Diet, more slim fast, starvation cycles, I was exposed to the cabbage soup diet, and the revolutionary Atkins diet; only to gain back and then some when all was said and done. During this time, I also worked with a nutritionist and I started to gain information that would be imperative for true weight loss. Unfortunately, when someone starts telling me something radically different than what I am used to and comfortable with, the natural reaction is to not believe, resist, or twist the information to meet my comfortable parameters. I did this and eventually abandoned the nutritionist. In the spring of my last year at YSU and that following summer, I had a back injury from work that severely limited my ability to be active. I then had to fight for a year to get the appropriate treatment with the Bureau for Workers' Compensation and people who I thought cared about me. At the same time, I believe that I was battling through depression (self-diagnosed) as I struggled to find a job coaching or teaching. During this struggle, I turned to food for comfort and I saw my weight skyrocket to 370 lbs. All this before I would even enter the classroom as a professional teacher.
After I went to court and won, I was able to get the appropriate treatment for my back, which ended up being surgery and physical therapy. I spent more time on Atkins, experimenting with my own ideas, and then I ran into another "miracle drug" - Xenadrine. I say this completely tongue in cheek. As this was popular in a lot of weight loss supplements. I took Xenadrine for about three weeks, lost 25 lbs, and had a doctor immediately remove me from it, due to extremely high blood pressure and heart rate. Oh well, it kind of worked. Shortly after my doctor intervened, Xenadrine was pulled from the shelves as people were hurt from its effects. I went to another nutritionist again with no success and then tried a program that will forever be know as Fat People Anonymous (FPA) for two reasons. One, I can't remember the real name. Two, I referred to the program as FPA to entertain my friends and share with them some of the stuff that I experienced in this program, it seemed fitting. FPA was a program through The Ohio State University and seemed to be a precursor to getting gastric bypass surgery. This program was about $700 for twelve weeks and included group meetings, two sessions with a behavioral counselor, supplements, and a couple of sessions with a nutritionist. This program was a flop for me and all but one person in the group. I think it was a flop because of the lack of individualization, the readiness levels of the group, and the lack of connection with the counselors. However, this was the first time that I believed there was more to weight loss than just diet and exercise. I just needed a break after this program. I started to think that the multiple failures meant something. I began to accept the belief that I was meant to be big. I would think to myself, "maybe I'm just different that way. I think I need to embrace who I am." So I did. I became proud of what I could eat.
As I became an assistant principal, I remember using food as a stress reliever. This lead to me taking on and promoting food challenges and never losing. I would eat it all and look for more; and for a short time, I was able to keep my weight in check. If any of you watch the show Man v. Food, I could have buried that guy.
As I was taking down these food challenges, a new reality show hit the airwaves, The Biggest Loser. What an amazing inspirational show for health and weight loss! Is it realistic though? The people on there are in a bubble, they don't have to deal with the world. Wait!!! Maybe that's what I need, I could be on that show - I'm going for it! I'm going back to Cali, Cali, I'm going back to Cali - hmmm, I don't think so. What am I thinking?!?! I can't leave my home, job, and family for months to do this; how will I pay the mortgage? No, this isn't the path for me. Even though, I firmly believe that I would have become the next "IT" guy for Hollywood. This would eventually land me some cameos, then TV/movie roles, but then eventually on the Belushi/Farley path. Nope, I'm not going to be the next E True Hollywood Story.
I digress, the people on this show made me realize one thing; this weight can come off. Shortly after this show started airing, I began to see more shows pop up that dealt with obesity success stories and then The Biggest Loser challenges started at work. We decided to put some money on the line and get in shape as an administrative team. We all ponied up about $50 and began the challenge. I opted for another go at Weight Watchers (WW) and I was fired up and ready to go. In the end, I won! I took all those punks down. Its over, right? I kept going, right? Unfortunately, no.
I soon put the weight back on and then some. I remember a good friend telling me a year later, that I should be ashamed of myself for putting the weight back on. I laughed it off, but behind the laugh I was more than ashamed. I had started to hate myself, not dislike, hate. I began to lose belief in myself, my abilities, my control, and my worth as a person. My career was booming, but I was hurting like never before and I worked hard at making sure no one could know my pain. How did I do it? I got funnier, more outrageous, put on a front of total confidence and focus, and I consumed myself with my career. If everyone saw how successful I was, then everyone will be proud of me, everyone will forget about my size, that is what I wanted, right?. Wrong! I wanted to gain approval from myself. Ironically, the approval from others came, my career soared and I found that my internal dialogue did not change. I also discovered that it could counteract any external positives. No matter what anyone said, I was still fat and that was how I defined myself. God, I hate that word. No other word brings up such fear, loathing, and discomfort for me than fat.
In a plot twist, it was this negative self speak that triggered something in me, it kept eating at me, I could not get rid of this one instinct - to FIGHT! Let me explain, I grew up in a very nice suburb of a tough steel town (also a mob town), and suburb or city, you learn three things growing up in Youngstown, Ohio: loyalty, work ethic, and don't go down without a fight. Now, combine that will to fight, with the experience-based knowledge that I had gained, and perspective from two more reality shows that dealt with addiction, and I had the inspiration and know how to develop a plan.
Before I go down this road, I am not comfortable saying I am dealing with an addiction that is anywhere near as powerful as drug addiction, but I do see some similarities. Watching how these people battled substance abuse made me think. Almost everything I have done to fight my battle with obesity has been limited, single or double faceted. Since I see similarities in my condition, with those who are battling substance addiction, why not incorporate a more whole person approach? It obviously wouldn't be the same, but what if I put every concept together that I have experienced (that were healthy and positive) and added some pieces that would support real change in my life? After all, the hardest thing to do for a person is to change their behaviors, habits, and way of thinking. It hit me. This can't be done with one method. It has to be done with all methods in a coordinated effort. My battle is not just with what and how I eat, my level of exercise/activity, my behavior, or my mind and its workings; its with all of it. That is the epiphany I had while sitting at the computer, playing a game, listening to the song about 10,000 lightening bugs giving me a thousand hugs. Creepy, doesn't this guy have any raid or a wiffle ball bat?
Now I realize that this is not my funniest post and please know that I am not looking for any sympathy. Sympathy actually makes me uncomfortable and I am in such a good place now that it would irritate me. I am putting this out there, because it is a part of my process of going from here to there. If anything look at this post through the lens of the old proverb, "it is always darkest before the dawn". Because I'm coming back baby!
Weight Update: As of April 10, 2010, I weighed in at 407.6 lbs; a loss of 6.6 lbs for the week and a total of 24.6 lbs since that fateful day. More importantly, I am feeling better and getting stronger.
My next post, will start to give you a look into the plan and some of the successes that are coming out of it. Until then, I hope everyone enjoys life and has a great week. And remember, don't give up. Don't ever give up.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Where I Am
"It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it. " (Jim Valvano, ESPY Award Speech, 1993)
In December of 2009, I had an epiphany that led to the creation of my plan to regain control of my health and as I started the process of implementation in January, I did so without urgency. Its not that I didn't care, sometimes you just need a spark to get things started. Well that spark came in early February in the form of a number, 432.2, my God what have I done! I don't like that the spark had to come from panic, but its here nonetheless. I have tried to hide this number from everybody, including my wife. Ultimately, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to admit to anyone let alone everyone. However, I am doing it because I believe that it is critical to my success and to let everyone know that it is never too late to change.
Let's take a step back and catch everyone up to speed. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would become this out of shape or heavy. Yes, my mom bought me husky jeans growing up, but really they were quite manly. Hey baby, you like dogs? Cause I'm a husky (one eyebrow raised and a wink). I mean seriously, the older chicks at the swim club totally dug it when I posed on the high dive in my swim team speedo (this was pre-Goonies and the truffle shuffle days). OK back to reality, I was always thicker, but not obese. I was athletic, I was on the swim team, played football, baseball and later softball, and I loved being active. What happened???!!!
Things started slowly, never too drastic or outrageous. I started my senior year of high school at about 218 and ended it around 235. I went to college and pushed up to 270. I started coaching football and went to 290. This all happened over the course of 7 years. It was done in small increments, easily justified, and easily ignored. Next, I hurt my back at work and went from 290 to 370 in a year. This scared me, but I was limited in what I could do and I ended up fighting down to around 340 after I healed. Things stayed steady for a while, but then work stress went through the roof as I became a school administrator and well, I put my health on the back burner. The numbers didn't scare me, although I tried to find any motivation to change, I was healthy and able to do almost everything I could do before. I mean seriously, I was doing the worm and dancing the soldier boy at pep rallies, and to my friends I became a karaoke icon. I could do it all baby!
However, when I hit 432, I became more worried about my overall quality of life and ability to live life. I mean the number greatly concerns me, but its being out of breath all the time, not being able to play with my kids, or giving friends BS excuses as to why I can't play golf or whatever to hide the fact that I can't function the way I want to function.
The strange thing is and was, I was not eating bad foods all the time. I tried to exercise at times, I kept working on dieting, but I seemed powerless at times for the inevitable weight gain. My biggest problem was a combination of lack of knowledge, destructive routines and wishful thinking. I thought if I ever crossed the 250 pound mark I would get fit, then it was 300 lbs, then it was 325, 350, 400, and so on it went; a new rationale, a new reality, and a whole new set of excuses to not deal with my worsening condition: I know I can do anything I set my mind to, just not right now; this is going to be too hard; I can’t afford healthy food; I don’t have any time to work on this; that looks so good – tomorrow I’ll do it, I promise; and so on it goes.
I always thought that the magical tomorrow would arrive some day and in Rocky Balboa type fashion, it would all kick in and I would overcome this physical condition that is choking the life out of me.
That gets us to where I was in February. Where I am now, and Where do I want to be? I will give a more detailed look in future posts, but let me just say this, I have a comprehensive plan that is working, some actual numbers that I want to reach, but overall I just want to be healthy and fit.
I will be sharing my progress giving you an update on pounds eliminated (I try not to say lost, because inevitably I find them again- haha). My ultimate goal is to be fit, live life, and touch the lives of others with my story. I am as excited as I have ever been to recapture what I have lost and regain my inner studness. I know, many of the ladies are saying - you always have been a stud. I know, but I'm raising the bar! :) Till next time - dont' give up. Don't ever give up.
In December of 2009, I had an epiphany that led to the creation of my plan to regain control of my health and as I started the process of implementation in January, I did so without urgency. Its not that I didn't care, sometimes you just need a spark to get things started. Well that spark came in early February in the form of a number, 432.2, my God what have I done! I don't like that the spark had to come from panic, but its here nonetheless. I have tried to hide this number from everybody, including my wife. Ultimately, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to admit to anyone let alone everyone. However, I am doing it because I believe that it is critical to my success and to let everyone know that it is never too late to change.
Let's take a step back and catch everyone up to speed. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would become this out of shape or heavy. Yes, my mom bought me husky jeans growing up, but really they were quite manly. Hey baby, you like dogs? Cause I'm a husky (one eyebrow raised and a wink). I mean seriously, the older chicks at the swim club totally dug it when I posed on the high dive in my swim team speedo (this was pre-Goonies and the truffle shuffle days). OK back to reality, I was always thicker, but not obese. I was athletic, I was on the swim team, played football, baseball and later softball, and I loved being active. What happened???!!!
Things started slowly, never too drastic or outrageous. I started my senior year of high school at about 218 and ended it around 235. I went to college and pushed up to 270. I started coaching football and went to 290. This all happened over the course of 7 years. It was done in small increments, easily justified, and easily ignored. Next, I hurt my back at work and went from 290 to 370 in a year. This scared me, but I was limited in what I could do and I ended up fighting down to around 340 after I healed. Things stayed steady for a while, but then work stress went through the roof as I became a school administrator and well, I put my health on the back burner. The numbers didn't scare me, although I tried to find any motivation to change, I was healthy and able to do almost everything I could do before. I mean seriously, I was doing the worm and dancing the soldier boy at pep rallies, and to my friends I became a karaoke icon. I could do it all baby!
However, when I hit 432, I became more worried about my overall quality of life and ability to live life. I mean the number greatly concerns me, but its being out of breath all the time, not being able to play with my kids, or giving friends BS excuses as to why I can't play golf or whatever to hide the fact that I can't function the way I want to function.
The strange thing is and was, I was not eating bad foods all the time. I tried to exercise at times, I kept working on dieting, but I seemed powerless at times for the inevitable weight gain. My biggest problem was a combination of lack of knowledge, destructive routines and wishful thinking. I thought if I ever crossed the 250 pound mark I would get fit, then it was 300 lbs, then it was 325, 350, 400, and so on it went; a new rationale, a new reality, and a whole new set of excuses to not deal with my worsening condition: I know I can do anything I set my mind to, just not right now; this is going to be too hard; I can’t afford healthy food; I don’t have any time to work on this; that looks so good – tomorrow I’ll do it, I promise; and so on it goes.
I always thought that the magical tomorrow would arrive some day and in Rocky Balboa type fashion, it would all kick in and I would overcome this physical condition that is choking the life out of me.
That gets us to where I was in February. Where I am now, and Where do I want to be? I will give a more detailed look in future posts, but let me just say this, I have a comprehensive plan that is working, some actual numbers that I want to reach, but overall I just want to be healthy and fit.
I will be sharing my progress giving you an update on pounds eliminated (I try not to say lost, because inevitably I find them again- haha). My ultimate goal is to be fit, live life, and touch the lives of others with my story. I am as excited as I have ever been to recapture what I have lost and regain my inner studness. I know, many of the ladies are saying - you always have been a stud. I know, but I'm raising the bar! :) Till next time - dont' give up. Don't ever give up.
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